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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a confession?

65 replies

redblue · 11/06/2010 12:14

Not sure but I suspect this is a bit of a silly one - best friend is convinced her husband might be having an affair although she has no proof and has not found any evidence. Her husband is quite an unemotional type and a bit of a workaholic, he comes home regularly at the same time every day but he has a bit of a thing about not being contacted whilst at work because he is so busy. I think this is fair enough although friend goes thro phases of interpreting this as him having something to hide yet at other times she thinks this is fine.
Anyway friend told me that they had a conversation they other day when she said (half joking) i know what you are up to / about the other woman and he replied "Mummy knows nothing". She has taken this to mean that there is something to hide but he has hidden it so well she would never find the evidence.
My immediate reaction was that she was over reacting. She is a bit hormonal at the moment, although I am being diplomatic about how I tell her that I think she does not have anything to worry about. Based on this alone am I right that she is over reacting or should I be taking this more seriously?

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 11/06/2010 12:15

This sounds like someone I know. Is she younger than him?

redblue · 11/06/2010 12:18

If by "she" you mean the wife then I don't think so although not 100% sure of his exact age

OP posts:
citygent · 11/06/2010 12:23

do you know the hubby. Is he a player?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/06/2010 12:31

A grown man calls his wife Mummy?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 11/06/2010 12:32

It just sounds like someone I know. His wife is a far bit older than him and he has been a bad boy in the past.

citygent · 11/06/2010 12:33

is she is older and hes not a bad catch, that is going to happen.

CrankyTwanky · 11/06/2010 12:35

What is, citygent?

citygent · 11/06/2010 12:36

that he will be tempted to play away from home. New here and dont think i will be making many friends

redblue · 11/06/2010 12:39

I don't know him very well but he doesn't strike me as a "player". Quite conservative with a small c but then it is always the quiet ones isn't it. The "mummy" bit is just third person speak, nothing weird, I thought it was when I first heard him do it but I don't think it is weird now, maybe a bit patronising if anything but I would guess nothing more creepy than that..
So I am concluding from these answers that he might indeed by a bit of a creep and I should be a bit more attentive to my friend on this

OP posts:
redblue · 11/06/2010 12:39

I don't know him very well but he doesn't strike me as a "player". Quite conservative with a small c but then it is always the quiet ones isn't it. The "mummy" bit is just third person speak, nothing weird, I thought it was when I first heard him do it but I don't think it is weird now, maybe a bit patronising if anything but I would guess nothing more creepy than that..
So I am concluding from these answers that he might indeed by a bit of a creep and I should be a bit more attentive to my friend on this

OP posts:
citygent · 11/06/2010 12:42

i think a good test of the guy will be how he behaves around you. Have you ever been alone with him and had the feeling that he hsa been a little flirtatious or at lesat checked you out.

redblue · 11/06/2010 12:54

citygent are you really a city gent (i.e do you work in the city?)
but back to your question, hmmm, well not really, other than maybe in a very low key kind of way. I would not say he was "predatory" in any obvious way. I think from what my friend has told me he does not (so far as she knows) have a long history with the ladies before he got married, although I would guess if a girl was particularly friendly with him he might show some interest but I would guess (and i might be wrong) that the interest would be not much more than a straight guy registering female attention on his radar. As for actively persuing other females I don't think he would do this as he sometimes comes across as too tired to do anything or not wanting the bother / too risk averse but again maybe that is me thinking there is nothing in it when infact there might be...

OP posts:
citygent · 11/06/2010 12:58

redblue..I am indeed although sadly for me (not an overpaid trader).

As you say, its the quiet ones you have to watch out for. I would always be more concerned about those men who do not have a lot of history of previous relationships. They are much more likely to get their heads turned and flattered by a bit of female attention to which they are not used to.

After all , secretly every man wants to feel like he is a bit of a stud.

IsGraceAvailable · 11/06/2010 13:03

He calls her MUMMY???!!! When not speaking to a child? That's not a bit weird, it's downright freakish.

Oddly enough (perhaps), a lot of Aspies call their DWs Mum. They also treat them as if they were their mothers. Quite unpleasant for a supposedly equal, adult partner.

At the end of the day, she feels nervy and unhappy in her marriage. That's more important than the did-he-didn't-he question: yes, I think she could do witha good friend.

redblue · 11/06/2010 13:07

hmm interesting. it is useful to have a male perspective on this. i hope you are wrong for her sake. if you are right I will persuade her to leave him and I suspect she will leave him anyway if he is being unfaithful. they have two young babies and i know their sex life is not exactly active at the moment (nor has it been for a while during pregnancy etc). but i suspect she has no hope of finding any absolute proof, he is according to her, very good at being "vigilent" - from which I have assumed he never comes home with "lipstick on his collar" and all of the equivalent which I take to mean from my friend that there would be nothing traceable if she started actively looking on his phone etc.
however sounds like it might end in tears somewhere down the line. sad for the babies but I guess that is life

OP posts:
squeaver · 11/06/2010 13:10

I can't get past the "mummy" thing either.

citygent · 11/06/2010 13:11

redblue - this site is an eyeopener for me! Do you and your friends really discuss how often you sleep with your husbands? I would never have that kind of conversation with my mates, no matter how many drinks had been had.

foureleven · 11/06/2010 13:15

citygent, i kind of want to hate you but am also tempted to ask you for more of an insight in to the minds of men...

citygent · 11/06/2010 13:17

foureleven..you can do both of those things

foureleven · 11/06/2010 13:21

haha how funny are you.. go on then.. insight pls?

(apologies if I have hijacked thread!)

redblue · 11/06/2010 13:23

citygent, not in graphic detail but yes she has told me that she feels very sad that her sex life is on the wane. although previously she has confided that although her first baby took a long time to conceive her second baby was the result of her sex life resuming very suddenly and very passionately and was conceived much more quickly than either of them expected. so again i have maybe been over optimistic for them as a couple and concluded that they may not have quantity but they do have quality when it happens.
does this level of knowledge about your best friend freak you out? my reaction to these "confessions" is from a perspective of looking out for and caring about my friend. Men do confess but through their actions rather than their words, I am guessing you might be able to spot a man who was unhappy at home through their actions, staying too long at work, visiting the lap dancing club a bit too often, always finding a reason not to go home etc Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they aren't disclosing what is going on inside

OP posts:
foureleven · 11/06/2010 13:25

'visiting a lapdance club a bit too often...'

citygent · 11/06/2010 13:25

redblue very true. I guess most men dont do the emotional heart to heart conversations with friends though.

foureleven..ask away

foureleven · 11/06/2010 13:26

What do men think when their partner crys?

citygent · 11/06/2010 13:27

depends on how often they cry