Why is jealousy so often a problem in relationships?

[electra]

My marriage ended because of it and I have been with quite a few jealous men who don't like me having male friends.

I think jealousy is very destructive, and whilst I know it's a natural human emotion to have about someone you fear losing, I have learned to keep mine in check over the years because.......at the end of the day you have to let people do what they want.

Would you have a problem with your husband / dp meeting up with an ex girlfriend for a coffee? I have met people who say if you're in a relationship you should entirely cease contact with anyone you've ever slept with. I think this is really silly. But am I in the minority?

electra, I don't think jealousy is normal in a relationship to the extent that one person starts to dictate what the other can or cannot do or wear or go etc.

I think meeting up with ex-es for a coffee is fine.

If the next man you meet is the jealous sort, you should run for the hills.

I dont' do monogamy or couple-relationships, really. So it doeesnt matter to me if someone I shag, also shags other people. It didn't matter to me when I did date; I used to explain this to partners ie I am not monogamous, I don't expect you to be either.

However, I did fall foul of a couple of raging arseholes who were determined to make me feel jealousy, because of their own wierd issues - basically, they were abusers who wanted to hurt anyone they became romantically involved with. Luckily I was able to run away before much damage was done.
Whatever your level of sexual exclusivity, it's very important to be kind and courteous to people - even in a thoroughly agreed open relationship, it's still nasty to tell one partner that one of your other partners is prettier/better in bed/cleverer etc.

Irrational jealousy is a big red flag for abusers, though. People who want to stop you seeing your friends, socialising, people who want you to get rid of (or seize and destroy in front of you) belongings that were given to you by a previous partner, these people are Not Good Partners. You have to either put your foot down firmly with them or run like fuck.

My jealousy isn't just in my relationships, it extends to friendships but with a different slant to it. With friends it is more being sure that people want to be with others instead of me iyswim