Advice needed - this sounds hateful

[Palomino29]

Please could I ask for your advice. This is going to sound nasty and shallow and I like to think I am neither of those things, but here goes...I've been married reasonably happily for 20 years, have 2 DC. In a nutshell,my feelings for DH have diminished, classiccase I guess of I love you but I'm not in love with you. He's a totally decent kind loving hardworking man. We rub along okay day to day, a bit more like brother and sister but then I guess a lot of couples do at our age (50 ish) Here's the shallow bit - as is the case again with folks our age, he is losing his looks, getting fat around the middle, losing his hair and well, the sm total is, I simply don't fancy him any more and can't evoke those feelings of attraction any more. I feel I've worn well, tallish, slimmish, same dress size as 20 years ago, look after myself. He still fancies me. The worst thing is I've got so "consumed" by these negative feelings I can' bring myself to have sex any more - certain aspects of his body just repulse me. I think he senses this and has stopped asking me.
I know he knows he needs to lose some weight but he makes no proper effort.
Is this dreadful/awful/understandable/okay to feel this way? Or are we doomed?
I hate myself for being so superficial as he's one of the good guys, but am starting to crave sex with someone sexier and more attractive.
I'm uncomfortable reading this back but need some words of wisdom/kick up arse as you feel appropriate.
Going to be offline for a few hours now but hope some of you will chew this over for me/with me?
I'll be back later today. Many thanks to all.
Palomino

ive been here myself, with a guy 7 years and pretty much allll the same things as you have said.. i simply had to ask myself. can i live the rest of my life like this? can i live in a loveless relationship, without the passion, chemistry, closeness? or can i just put it to the back of my mind and get on with it for the sake of everyone else?

the answer for me was no, i just couldnt picture myself living like that, listening to my girlfriends as they cooo over hot new dates or the excitment of being with someone new, or just being withsome that you absoltley fancy the pants off!!

im now in a relationship with a guy ive been with for nearly two years we have a lovely little baby girl and i fancy him more every day, we have sooo much passion and love for each other and i couldnt be happier, thats not to say things could change in ten years time!?!?! but i just know that i did the right thing all those years ago,
sometimes you've got to be a little selfish, you only live once! you only have one shot at life, so why not live it the way you want and the way your happiest??
i dont think you soundsuperficial i think you sound like a normal red blooded woman!

have you talked to him about it? xxx

Mandy, thanks for your input, I am glad you found happiness and contentment. I'm fearful that at fifty though no one else would want me...
I don't really want to split with DH it's just that he seems to take me for granted and does little or nothing these days to keep me interested.
Our sexlife was ever very exciting; he's always been a bit shy and unimaginative whereas I'm more up for adventure and variation.
I just feel despair at present.
It was brought to the surface when some months ago an attractive male family frien flirted quite strongly with me, and I responded. I sort of hoped it might lead to a fling of some kind even though I know it could only have led to heartache in the end as he too was married with children. It gave me a huge ego boost but now he is off the scene again and I feel deflated and totally pessimistic.
There doesn't seem to me to be any way of raising this subject with DH without massive hurt to his feelings. He has got so"middle aged" before his time but I am still lively and energetic, trying to look good in both face and figure...but for what?
Anyway thanks for responding; if anyone else has any thoughts I'd be so grateful, I feel very alone

See... now this is going to sound hateful, but be grateful you're the hot one! I personally feel that someone else's strong feelings for me can override the fact that I don't have that strong feelings for them, but you might not be the same. There's nothing wrong with a bit of flirting to boost the ego as long as you don't let it go too far or become emotional

Palomina

I do hear you. But I think you should channel your energies into encouraging your husband to recapture his youthful physique and energy... not into looking elsewhere. I know that's the boring answer but if you love him and like him and have DCs with him (ie you already know most things are right) then I think that is the most likely way for you to find happiness. You could find someone you fancy the pants off only to find a year down the line they are an a**ehole in all sorts of other ways.

Can you imagine if it was the other way round... if you'd aged worse than him and he was on a forum saying "she's great in other ways but I just don't find her attractive because she's got a bit fat and old"?

Can you encourage him to join a gym? Take him shopping? Dig out some old photos and make comments about how you used to love his slim waist/lovely shoulders/whatever? (Obviously the hair he can't do much about).
And the same in respect of personality - make positive comments about the more youthful things he does/used to do, and encourage more of that?

It's almost impossible to say "You're getting fat and boring" in a nice way, isn't it?

Reading your OP, I did feel you're way too hung up on looks and you're going to come a cropper over it, one day soon. Then I came to the bit where you say "he seems to take me for granted and does little or nothing these days to keep me interested." So that's bad.

Without wishing to take away from your pride in your grooming, sex happens mostly in the mind. Your H would probably still fancy you if you grew a spare tyre & forgot your roots - but you can't fancy someone who's taking you for granted and forgetting to please you, can you?

I wish to mention the menopause. One of its long-term effects is a marked increase in independence and personal selfishness. I'm loving this! But it's going to lead to hideousness in your marriage, unless you do something now. Poor DH doesn't deserve the buffetting he's likely to get from a post-menopausal, bored & dissastsfied wife.

My advice would be to hit him gently with the news that you're not very happily married, and get him to Relate. That way you can air your concerns in a safe environment with guidance.

I'm sure the menopause has plenty to do with my situation, IGA, I definitely have mood swings and I'm sure can be quite unbearable. Take your point about being hung up on my looks - a glamorous friend 5 years younger called on me today and I made some despairing comment to DH. I'm just at that age where I'm becoming invisible to the opposite sex and the bit of attention from the other guy boosted my ego as he was a few years younger.
No I have to reiterate, DH isn't bad looking or vastly overweight, just doesn;t mke much of an effort, isn't well groomed for instance. Not a capital offence, I know, and I do agree he doesn't deserve a nasty "buffetting"
No really easy way to do it. Will give some thought to ouchpainful's suggestions.
Thanks all for trying to help me...good to be able to get it off my chest!

I'm your age and (because my husband had an affair and dumped me) I am seeing another man, a few years older than me. He is seriously sexy and fancies me like mad, as I do him. The sex is wonderful.

So though I am not saying you should have an affair or split up with your husband your attractive days are definitely not over and you should not resign yourself to a life without passion.

Good luck...