tentacles

[thisishowifeel]

Some of you know my back story, but briefly, I came from a very toxic family, and have had two abusive marriages.

I am sepeated from h, and have cut all contact with my family, although both former husbands are still in touch with them regularly.

Yesterday my 13 year old ds had a friend request from his cousin. She will be 18 in August, there will be a big party.

The last time there was a big family party, my sister and her coke addicted partner said they would bring ds home, as the organised bus had gone without most of the people it was supposed to carry.

They did not bring him home. They went on to another party, someones house, a kebab place in a rough area of town, finally getting home at gone 4 am. Then they gave him whiskey.

I was furious, they said that I was mad, had a persecution complex and needed help....which I duly got, found out it was them not me, cut all contact, and here I am. Getting there!

So how to deal with the friend request?

Any ideas gratefully received.

so is you sister the mum of the cousin?

THere's nothing wrong with your DS and his cousin being FB friends, and that's quite nice and sweet. But it's completely reasonable for you to say your 13 year old son can't go to the party - regardless of your family issues, it's not really appropriate for a 13 year old to be partying with a load of pissed-up 18 year olds.

Yes, the cousin is my sisters daughter.

The party will, in all likelihood, be a full extended family thing. Although since my late father's family know a bit of the reality of things now, that will be an interesting scenario.

I just KNOW that this will be used to try and suck us back into all that crap again. setting people against people, divide and rule etc etc. It makes my heart sink to the floor.

I agree with Hassled.
Although you could also quite reasonably advise him to ignore the friend request if you would feel more comfortable with no lik being made at all.

As for the unsuitable party with irresponsible and unpleasant family members,say no way.
I'm sure you would have no problem explaining to him why it was not ok for him to go if the party invite was from a friend whose party had led to a similar outcome previously.
You would also find it straightforward saying no thank you to the friend.

As you know only too well,it is the family stuff that is pushing buttons here.

You know it is them and not you.And that you represent a serious challenge to their shared distorted reality.

Hang on to your freedom from them.
Protect your son and yourself from the bad guys.

And be proud your reality is the healthy one.
xx

definitely a no to the party.

but i'd leave it up to your ds wether or not to accept the friend request.

Yes PM, if it were anyone but family, it would be a straight no.

My ds and his cousin were always very close when they were little, as I looked after her a LOT. Her mum's social life was always more important than her daughter. I picked them both up from school every day, she always had her tea at mine, waiting for her mum to get back from whatever bar she'd been in after work that day.

Their relationship was my only real regret about breaking contact....I feel so desperately sorry for her, and Ds misses her.

My neice allegedly has adhd, a diagnosis I am doubtful of personally, but there was certainly a deficit of attention for her from her mother. She takes Ritilin, although her step father steals it from her.

You really wouldn't want people you care about to be within a million miles of this mess.

How does your DS actually feel about the friend request, though? With any luck, he may not want anything to do with the people who dragged him out till all hours and made him sick the last time he saw them.

SGB I think he feels quite conflicted. I am delighted that he mentioned it to me as soon as it happened though.

He knows it's a mess.

He was extremely close to her when they were small.

He has learned that sometimes seeing the bigger picture can cause unforeseen benefits.

His stepdad, offered up a trip to New York for him a few weeks ago apparently, as a way of "rebuilding trust". I could see (with the help of WA) that this was manipulation of the highest order and stood firm. I told h that a better way of rebuilding trust would be to seek therapy and face his own shit.

Ds was furious with me at the time, (who wouldn't be?) but has learned that it was partly our refusal to play the game that triggered h to seek therapy...which he is now doing.

From everything you've said about your family so far, thisis, it's more than reasonable to ditch the party invitation on behalf of your kids & you. I should think DS will understand perfectly well. It'd be like walking into an episode of Shameless

13 to 18 is a big difference but, if it turns out DS wants to pick up his friendship, you can invite the cousin over to you for a weekend.

Sounds like you're still worrying about what they will think. Don't! You already know what they think

It'd be like walking into an episode of Shameless

It really would Grace

I don't know that I care what they think, because I know that they are the unwell ones....not me.

My neice is extremely immature..she has never been allowed to grow up properly. She is not at all independent physically or emotionally. I feel very sad for her...I was there when she first emerged into the world.

But there is NOTHING I can do about them, or sadly her. She is totally controlled by them. There is where my problem lies.

It's not that she simply wants to be fb friends with ds, it's them trying to ensnare us in their tentacles again. Co-inciding perhaps with h distancing himself from them. (he says). They won't let go...and I want rid.

If it was just her, if she had left home, whatever, thet would be a different thing entirely.

See what you mean! You're probably right, unfortunately. You seem to be doing a brilliant job of explaining to DS what's happening with them

Has he said he wants to be friends with her?

Dunno if this has any relevance for you, but my Lovely Aunty had me to stay on my own for a week in my mid-teens. She treated me like a grown-up, took me to the theatre, and was nice to me. I was stunned by how un-dramatic and enjoyable it was! Stayed with me for life

I would, when I am "more fluffed out" wing wise, love to have her to stay, but as an independent soul. I need to be aware of my need to save and be saved...it's got me into a lot of trouble over the years!

I do fear that she is being used and manipulated here, and I trust my instincts now.

He just doesn't know. I am proud as anything that he is showing so much maturity, and is so keen to discuss things and think things through. He wants what I have just said I think. That he would like to be friends, without all the double dealing and dysfunction. Unfortunately, that cannot be.

It can't, can it?

It's just fantastic that you have learned so much & gained such perspective, thisis, and that you've helped your DS to develop emotional intelligence like this.

Don't let him go...he won't have the emotional maturity to resist their crap and get sucked in, and yes, they'll use it as an occasion to get back at you.

All you can do is discuss their weird attitudes with your son and tell him it would be like going into the lion's den and just because you were close to someone as a child you may not be when you grow up.

Has he read the book on toxic families? It might be worth trying to discuss it with him really in depth. I think he is old enough to get the ideas, although he would not be emotionally old enough to deal witht he manipulation if it was being practised on him.

My 6yo DD has been told we do not visit her cousins as my SIL has banned us all from the house. She does not really understand the whys and wherefores of what led up to this, BUT she does understand sometimes people are not nice. I think it is important to be honest with children. Children who are "protected" manufacture unbelieveably weird ideas about things and there is no one to correct them.

I think you are doing the right thing by protecting him from the actual but discussing it as a concept. (i.e. you tell kids fire is hot, you don't stick their hand in a flame and say "didn't that hurt"?!!!)

a side issue perhaps but i think 13 is too young to have a facebook.

He's only allowed if I am always his friend, never blocked and have all his passwords, and can go on his pc at will. He's happy with those proviso's

Pretty much ALL his friends have it. I mean they REALLY do, not just in that pleading kid kind of way. He mainly plays cafe world and farmville.

The fact that he spoke to me about this immediately reassures me that he is mature enough to be on facebook, I held out for a LONG time

Thank you all for your thought on this, it has helped me think clearly.

xxx

Funny, she made fb friends with his estranged father at the same time.

The father that after fighting for full residence half a dozen time or more, just walked out of court on day saying he couldn't be bothered anymore. Since then nothing, no birthday or christmas cards, nothing.

I have been accused of "fighting to the last drop of blood". Except when they kept appplying for custody, (based on my insanity of course) what the hell was I SUPPOSED to do...not turn up and say "whatever"?

What do these people want? Why can't they just LEAVE ME ALONE?!!!!

I say don't go, discuss with DS the reason why the request ought to be refused.

TBH your DS FB account needs to be utterly off the radar too - pull his privacy settings back to the max, so he's not searchable or contactable by anyone other than safe people, his genuine friends.

I say go with your gut feeling, which is to be extremely wary of this and not want anything to do with it.

When she has grown up, left home etc etc, then you can revise the situation, but while she's still under that kind of influence, then you have to do what you can to protect your family.

I think that that is right Littlemiss.

And once again I had that "is it me?" moment again.

I am fairly sure that this coincides with h cutting them out, so they've had to find other ways of getting to us. If I thought for one moment that this was a genuine attempt at a relationship with ds, it would be different, but those of us who have these kinds of families know that it is not genuine....anything but.

Thank god for here,if I wasn't mad before, without the validation I get from others in similar situations on this site, I would be well on the way to madnes I think.

My RL friend reckons I should await their appearance on Jeremy Kyle at some point.

"Fighting to the last drop of blood" is the right thing to do when defending your children. It's something you should be applauded for rather than accused of. I hope we would all have the strength to do so.

When we stop and ask ourselves 'is it me?' usually it actually isn't!

I think you are right to be sceptical of the motives, and if you are proved to be wrong, so what? Everyone will be a little older and a little wiser and in your DS case better equipped to deal with potentially toxic people on his own,or at least with less supervision/stress from you, IYKWIM...

I think your RL friend is BANG ON.... as much as I hate that programme, do give us all a shout when they do get their 5minutes of infamy won't you...

The funny thing is, they think they are SOOOOOO superior. With high powered, high profile jobs and mega salaries.

Both husbands put so much energy into hating them, and disaproving of them, and now, literally "ganging up" with them against me. If I hadn't read on here about people in similar situations, I would struggle with my sanity I really would.

The scapegoat from Narc's R us...that's me.

Ds was horrified that his sperm doner popped up simultaneously. He's no fool.

Have a really good excuse to be doing something else and interestingly different, and stick to it. The cousins will have another opportunity (maybe of your making, if you so choose) to be in touch. You can be in control of events and when they happen.

oh yes, those toe nails won't paint themselves you know!!