Awful row with mum - don't know what to do next (sorry, long)

[jambutty]

I've changed my name for this thread.

I've just come back from DM's house. My two dds were staying with her for three nights and I went up last night for the third night. To cut a VERY long story short, we don't have a great relationship, DF was violent towards us both, and DM and he had to marry because I was on the way and I don't think she has ever forgiven me - she often compares me with him as he is not a nice person and she knows that upsets me, and so on.

Yesterday when I arrived she started with comments about the children - I pick up dd2 too much and she is clingy as a result; dd1 didn't have a vest on when she arrived; dd2(conversely) had too many clothes on for bed last night; dd1 is crying out for attention (she wet her pants three times in two days at their house - hasn't had an accident at home in over six months but apparently this recent spate is all my fault and a cry for attention); and on and on.
On my DS's advice I've started saying "it's none of your business" and changing the subject every time she starts criticising. This seemed to get her back up so much that this afternoon she announced that she has "sleepless nights" over the children because she believes that I don't look after them properly. My DH assures me that I am an excellent mother, that our children are very loved, wanted, nurtured and well cared for, however you can imagine what this statement has done to my confidence. It resulted in a huge row in front of the children with a lot of muck-raking, mainly on DM's part, and I'm so deeply hurt by it all that I don't know where to go from here.
She tells me that she will leave me no money in her will because I can't be trusted with money. I don't care if she leaves me nothing - I don't think like that - but to be told it's because I can't be trusted to use money properly at the age of 40 is offensive and hurtful.
I don't want to lose contact with her because she is my mum, and particularly because my dd1 has an excellent relationship with her, we have no family living close by and she's the nearest at about 45 minutes away, and none of the other grandparents are much cop either, but she needs to know she has hurt me and that that was not acceptable behaviour.
I'm thinking of writing a brief letter returning some (unsolicited) money she sent last week and telling her how much she has upset me.
Any ideas/suggestions?

Really really difficult one. I would be tempted to put the money in the envelope and tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine, because that's what I think of her bloody money. However... I know that's not very constructive.

I think the idea of writing a brief (polite!) letter returning the money is a good one. She sounds like she's trying to use the possibility of future money as a means of control over you and I don't think you can possibly allow that.

You could also tell her (perhaps in the letter) that in future, you are not prepared to discuss your children with her unless she has first sought some therapy to deal with the issues she obviously has. Frankly, she's had her chance of parenting, and from your post it sounds like she's made a bit of a hash of it. She can't go round doing a second chance thing on your children now, at your expense. Sounds brutal (and is, I guess) but tbh you don't need someone in your life who has so little respect for you and your children that she would have a row like this with you in front of them. Such a negative model of inter-generational relationships is not a particularly positive thing for them.

not very constructive here am afraid. just becuase sh'es your mother doesn't give her the right to treat you like shit.

i would return money with a note saying "have returned your money, from jam"

thats it. i would instigate no further contact. if she wants to see your kids - then she will have to contact you. if she doesn't then you may have overrated her relationship with your children on her part.

My mum had an argument with me after i wrote a letter asking why she didnt send birthday and xmas cards. the intonation was that i wanted her money? well she can fucking stick her money and give it to battersea dogs home. just becuase shes my mother it doesnt give he the right to treat me in a sub human way. i expect a certain amount of respect from every other human being i meet - why is she so different?- becuase she has the title mother? well i hope her money makes her happy.

Thanks - the thing is, I know I've hardly been a model daughter, and also I'm really scared of the possibility of no longer having a relationship with my mum. You're both right really (Custardo, blunt as ever!) and my sensible head says that is what I should do, but I always give in when we argue because I think it is so sad when family members don't speak to each other. She is a very stubborn woman and finds it very hard to say what she is feeling whereas I am very open and almost too honest, so I normally do all the running.
I can't sleep so I guess I'll have to think on this one a bit more. God knows how she'd react to a letter.

i do completely understand - i do i really do. i do actually on the other hand hold the view that lifes too short to not speak to someone, my dad died when i was 4 - yet people actually chose not to speak to people for seemingly trivial reasons.

so needless to say when you get to that point - you just get to that point. i just can;t stand the threat of money. if your going to have it out with her and clear the air you have to mention the money and tell her you dont want it - your not being melodramatic - but its her money and not yours and you dont want it - you never want the assumption that your hanging around for it, that your waiting for her to die to get it. that your being nice becuase of it. just tell her you want to eliminate it from the equasion. do tell her that she can look after the kids - but only if she ants to - not to give you a break and not to be a martyr for you - becuase she wants to and no other reason. then tell her with that being said you do not want any more comments from her regarding how you bring up your children. remind her that you have your family unit - you your partner and your children. and your partner is happy, you are happy and the children are happy, therefore her comments are not needed.

i would be extremely offish for a long long time

Hmmm. My stepDF (?) asked DH what he thought when he came to pick us up tonight and he said "if (jammy's mum) doesn't like what she sees she doesn't have to look, and her comments are not required" which I think will get back. It's stupid, I'm just fretting about what she will think ALL the time! I think the cold shoulder for a while, and definitely a letter tomorrow.

I completely echo custardo! How dare she try to manipulate you like that and to abuse you in front of your children.

Make no mistake, just because she's your mother and her and your DD get on well doesn't mean that your kids don't know what they see. They love YOU. You are their mother. They will see your mother for what she is. She will poison her own relationship with them if she is not careful.

Return the money. Don't accept any more. If more unsolicited money comes your way, return it immediately.

As you say, you are a 40yo woman. You know yourself. You are a good woman and you have a good marriage. Don't let her jealousy put you down.

Dd1 (who is 5) walked up to mum when she was having a go at me and said "stop shouting at my mummy, it's not very nice" and then came up to me with a big grin and said "I told her, mum". Gutted she had to do it but SO proud.

told you! Kids won't be fooled!

OKAY - letter, written but not sent:

Dear mum,

I'm returning the cheque you sent. Thank you for sending it, but in the light of some of your comments today I can't accept it.
I don't care whether you leave me money in your will or not; I never have, and personally I don't think you should leave a penny.
You have really, really hurt me today and it is going to take me a long time to recover from that so I won't be in touch for a while but I'm sure dd1 would love a call from you.
You should never, ever feel that my children will get anything less than the best from me in terms of care, nurturing, love and support. If you believe anything else you are extremely misguided.
I will always love you because you are my mum, but your behaviour today was completely unacceptable.
Love jb.
What do you think? Too emotional? Anyone?

sounds very adult to me, jb. But you have to mean what you say, don't make any more effort to get in touch or approach her. Leave the ball firmly in her court; let her work at the relationship (?for a change?)

Letter reads fine, although i'm concerned that you really want to maintain this relationship for dd1 if no one else. How about phoning her and arranging to meet her, tell her you feel you need to talk about the whole situation and how upset you've been. Meet her without children and tell her honestly how you feel. Keep letter and can always leave that if it falls apart, but if you leave it with letter and are waiting for her to call and she doesn't then it could be hard work to get back in touch, it may make it uncomfortable for dd1.
Just a thought, good luck

Oh Loupylou, the letter went at 8am! To be honest, although my instinct would be to be more cautious as you advise, DM has had the upper hand in this relationship for so long that it might be about time she was outflanked and not in control for a change. I was honest about my feelings yesterday and she refused to listen to me - in fact as I spoke she started work on some embroidery...I've tried over the years to have sensible conversations with her, but she can't get out of parent mode. I intend to call her in a month or so and will make sure that she speaks to dd1 within the next week and regularly thereafter. Also, my DSis can make sure the lines of communication are left open. Having said all that, I am very nervous about how she might react.

oh well done - i agree nice adult letter - much better and grown up than anything i would have done - again, well done you. how do you feel now?

Thanks Custardo. I feel s**t scared and like I'm going to get a telling off or a detention (she's a retired teacher ). No, seriously, worried about losing her but it clearly can't carry on like this. She told me yesterday that she feels sick before I come over and sick all the time I'm there, and I didn't tell her but I feel the same, so the relationship obviously isn't doing either of us any good at present.

Sometimes the best means of defence is attack.

At the risk of sounding like George Bush

hi, I'm having similar things going on with my mum, although she isn't bitter - & if you don't mind me saying so, Ithink your mum is VERY bitter.

I know you've sent the letter now & so it's too late, but when/if you do speak to her again, forget about the money.The issue isn't about the money, I suggest she is just using this as a way to control & bully you.

A few tips for when you are being attacked are, say why ? as in why do you think picking up DD2 is making her clingy ? I can almost guarantee that she will be so amazed at actually having to think, she'll start to back off. of course if she doesn't she'll probably come back with another accusation, but again you can say why or what makes you say that ? This will also give you a couple seconds to compose yourself & think, right, here we go again.

What is happen is she is bullying you & the way you are reacting (& we all do) is just fuelling her for more insults.

I suspect she is also jealous of what you have, which means you really must feel sorry for her.

Remember, you are a wife & a mother & it sounds like you have a lovely family . She is bitter & twisted , don't give her the satisfaction of unjustly putting you down.

Good luck & don't forget to update us all !

is there any update?

Not really, Custardo - didn't expect anything to be honest. She will not call me. It will, as ever, be up to me to maintain the relationship but at least I was able to let her know how I feel. DSis has strict instructions to call me when DM (inevitably) tells her version of what's happened. Dd1 will call her in a couple of days. Thanks for asking .

no probs

Update (slightly convoluted):
DM called Dd1 after Dd1 left her a message and had a nice chat with her on Sunday.
DM also rang my DSis and told her that she didn't think I would be in touch with her for a while, to which DSis replied that it was her fault for behaving like a child (inaccurate, still DSis standing up to DM is a breakthrough!).
When DSis didn't call mum when she had said she would this week, our StepDF called her and said DM was expecting a call - unheard of. She also offered to have DSis's boys to stay which she has never done in 15 years. So, she may not even be DREAMING of picking up the phone but hopefully there is some form of introspection going on there.
I haven't wanted to call, although I have thought about the situation most days but I'm just keeping busy with the girls. Also considering counselling to help me deal with issues around all this.