Been with Dh for 12 years and married for 8 with DS (5). Had alot of ups and downs, more downs than ups in the past 5 years and I'm hitting a point where I feel that it maybe just isn't worth hanging in there in the hopes it will get better.
I don't even know if I love DH anymore.... I love him when he is the man I fell in love with (if that makes sense) but it feels like he is that person less and less.
We are fighting ALOT, and I feel relieved when he isn't here.
when it works well DH is my best firend and the only person I feel I can be myself with and share certain things, but then I feel that maybe I've let that feeling cut me/us off from other people. I dont' ahve any close friends although before DH I did have a good circle of friends. DH doesn't have friends full stop.
DH is currently in bed, possilby asleep,possibly sulking/sad after a fight. And I dont' actually care - I feel I ought to worry about whether he is upset but as I also had the fight, and I then ironed DS clothes, tidied up after DH had made himself some food, watered the plants DH asked me to buy I just feel tired and cross.
What was the fight about?
DH works away in a high pressured job mon-thurs. We agreed that once DS was in school I would gear up my career again so that DH could go back to university. I got the job (sooner than we'd planned for), I also manage ALL the childcare that is needed for both our jobs, do most of the things needed for DS (eg school stuff, ironing washing etc). We agreed that for me to take this job DH had to be able to help out, eg my job couldn't come second because that woudl scupper my chances of getting promotion etc to enable DH to give up his job. (I got the promotion and extension of my contract too)
All DH has to do is be home by 6.30 on thursdays, cover 4 events a year when i work very long hrs or am away overnight and take some of his holiday time in school hols to share the chidlcare.
I have been let down so many times in 6 months, and the altest straw. I was asked to go on training which will pretty much guarantee me a chance at promotion a year earlier than normal AND gives me a recognised qualification for jobs elsewhere. I'm away for 2 overnights, back late on the 3rd night. I told DH as soon as it was offerred to me and he said no problem of course he could be here. I booked before and after school childcare so all DH had to do was drop DS at 8am and pick him up at 7pm on the 3 days.
3 days ago DH calmly infomed me that he was away at a conference and wouldn't get back until 9/10pm on one of those nights.
now DH claims that saying "I can't get back in time to collect DS from childcare - what are we going to do about it" is solving the problem!
Is it so bloody unreasonable for me to want him JUST ONCE to actually sort it out...
its like he is sabotaging my job all the time, its worse than if I was a single mum because I can't rely on DH and colelagues at work wonder why I cancel evetns on them and then I have to explain its because my bloody husband and childs father can't look after DS after all.
DH plays the wounded innocent every time we discuss this, tonight he went on about how he had taken 2 days off at half term, So did I!
He also tonight said well before DS started school you didn't work.... erm excuse me? I went back to work f/t when DS was 7 months old. I changed jobs because I couldn't get childcare to cover my hrs as DH was (suprise suprise) never around but for those 4 years i worked for 3 of them and completed my OU degree at the same time.
Thing is if DH simply said he'd prefer it if I stayed home or only had a lowkey job and he earnt the wages I'd agree to that for a couple of years. But he has CONSTANTLY moaned about how he has 'supported' me whilst DS has been young and how he hates his job and 'when will it be my turn to go to uni'. I WANT to be the main wage earner, I WANT DH to go to uni, but to do that I need him to live up to our agreement that now I have this job and I am back on the career ladder we are putting MY job first.
the way I feel tonight I want out of this relationship, I like my job, its what I've trained to do and I am good at it. I've started building myself a network of friends and support again.... and unfortunatly DH is no longer someone I can rely on to support me, cheer me up or take a real interest in my life.