Tired of the shouting

[overlysentimental]

I know what you are all going to say as I've lurked on here for long enough but, I'm tired of my husband's shouting.

He's always been quite shouty - not in a nasty aggressive way, but more in a flappy, histrionic way. He's quite negative about most things and when we were younger I actually found this attractive as he can be very funny and charismatic (in a Charlie Brooker kind of way).

But it's getting me down. When he's stressed he gets even more shouty and just blusters around the place. He has toddler style tantrums if he can't find things or they go wrong. And he seems to find the world more stressful than most.

Things have been made worse as DD hasn't been sleeping well recently. I do all the night time wakings and early mornings as he works and I am SAHM but he just then starts shouting and slamming doors, saying I should be doing more to get her to stop crying.

I'm just so worn down by it. He's going away for the weekend to see some friends and I'm actually really glad he's going. I can have some peace, and at least I won't have to cope with him on top of DD.

What I really want him to do is come home with a big bunch of flowers or something as a thank you for looking after things on my own while he's away but I know he'll just come in, flap around about getting his stuff ready and flounce off complaining about how much work he will have to do when he gets back.

We haven't had sex for ages, partly because I'm so exhausted but partly because I can't be bothered if the rest of the time he is just so hostile.

He's not all bad I hasten to add, and can be kind and funny and affectionate.

I'm just feeling tired and unappreciated.

talk to him....this behaviour has become ingrained and it will not be easy to change. But it sounds as though he needs some outlets for his stress. Does he have any hobbies? How does he relax?

Meant to add - he needs to think about the effect of his behaviour on dd ; point out to him that monkey see, monkey do.

Alterntively, she might grow up terrified of him as a shouty man.

No he doesn't have any outlet for his stress, and has never sought any. I try to encourage him to take up a sport, exercise or something but he won't.

Hopefully when he's away he will realise how much he misses us!

And also, that is one of my main concerns. I don't want my children thinking it is OK to speak to people like that and spend my days trying to teach a toddler how to manage her anger.

But it's all pointless if Daddy is allowed to get away with it.

I realise now that my Dad was also a 'shouty' type, and I think I just thought it was normal behaviour to be forever blowing up about something.

I have similar with my DH and worry about the passing on of grumpiness to kids. It is so wearing to be faced with this on a regular basis, I find it drains me and then when H goes away, the mood in the house lifts and all are happy again. I have even said that to my H and he feels really sad that it's that way but seems a bit powerless to change.

So, I have decided to give it 6 months of me taking active steps to change the family dynamics before I go down other routes, like leaving him. I feel I owe it to the boys to try everything in my power to change this.

I'll tell you my steps in the hope something might resonate with you:-

1. I am reading Lundy Bancroft's book on angry and controlling men. It actually doesn't reflect my H very well as he is not abusive (just exceptionally grumpy, stressed by normal-life and occasionally aggressive) but I am hoping for some tips on standing up to the occasional verbal aggression.

1. I am confronting the behaviour whenever it appears - so saying infront of kids 'that was very snappy, I don't think xx deserved that' type thing. Just trying to make it adult and open and not allow H to get away with being snappy and walking off.

1. I am about to book some babysitting time so we can have some evenings together in june and july. This is hard for me as it's the last thing I want to do, but I'm going to try and get some light back into our relationship. My theory is if we can have some fun, a few drinks and enjoy a meal together maybe I'll feel like shagging him when we get home!!

1. I am focusing on me and what I want from each day/week/month. So making sure I have enough positives into my system to be able to carry on supporting H and kids. I am not getting the 'positives' from H so need them from elsewhere. I find running really helps me and arranging regular coffees with girlfriends and ignoring any sign of a dig coming from H about me having coffee etc.

Hope you can think of things to help you

loves2walk, it sounds like we are in exactly the same position.

I really don't want to leave him as I love him very much and want him to be happy.

I have become much stronger at just not reacting to his grumpiness at all or just calmly telling him that it's not on - but you're right, it's incredibly draining all the time.

I think you almost have to divide up what is personality, and therefore really hard to change, and what is them 'giving in to themselves'.

So I've told H that I don't expect him to be an optimist or cheery all the time as he is just not like that and never was. However he needs to be stronger in not allowing himself the luxury, if you like, of bad moods. Sounds a bit odd but he is very alpha male, type A personality, really high achieving and has incredibly high expectations of himself. So I thought if I phrased it in a way which meant he would feel he was being weak by being grumpy he might take notice.

Think he did as well, for a bit....

Sounds good.

I think DH gives into it as he thinks it's a sign of working hard. As if I can visibly see how stressed and 'up against it' he is I will appreciate him more.

And that he can't get up in the night or be woken up as he has a job to do and he obviously isn't trying hard enough if he can do it with broken sleep.

It's not like he's a surgeon or anything.

And even if he was a surgeon, still no excuse for making those people that love him, unhappy!

Yes, I get that sign of working hard. I also think it is maybe a strategy so that I won't ask for too much from him during the week. Bedtime story for one child is all he does because I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of asking for more.

Nightimtes on your own are tough though if you're at home in the day.

How old is your dd? Is this behaviour new or aggravated since her arrival? Does he have good, nice moments amongst the flapping and hystrionics?

My dp sounds like he has some of your dh's traits. He gets too stressed about nothing things. For instance, if he can't find dd's goggles in the morning he chases around the house looking in a really panicked way, turfing piles of clothes over his shoulder leaving a trail of destruction behind him, and bewailing the disorganisation of the house. It will become the end of the world and he will shout that the house is falling to chaos and we really have to start being more organised, then it will emerge that the goggles (or whatever) are in the right place it was just that he was too frenzied to look properly. And by the way, the house is actually pretty organised and straight.

As Loves2walk has done, I have labelled the behaviour and so he knows what I am talking about when I tell him to calm the fuck down and stop being so hysterical. I tell him to breathe, I tell him to get it in proportion, I tell him to go away and calm down before we talk about whatever it is. He admits he does it, and he regrets it. As I have named the behaviour it is also possible for me to make jokes about it and take the piss, I think that has taken some of the sting out of it.

I think it is important to find a way to show the children that it is not acceptable behaviour. As well as them modelling themselves on that, I worry that for girls they may accept it as normal behaviour in a man and chose their partners accordingly.

I have that stressed behaviour about the state of the house.

When my H is unable to find something or comes home to shoes in the hall, coats strewn about the place, toothbrushes lying on floor of toilet (which I have a wonderful capacity to ignore!), he will say 'we live in squalor, I can't believe you think it's acceptable to live in such squalor' I mean, what is that about? Way over the top, we actually have a lovely organised house in which children live therefore is messy sometimes. I just don't rise to it anymore I tell him it is ridiculous ranting and he should get on with some tidying rather than wasting his energy ranting.

Hmm, very familiar.
"It's not squalor, it's called lego. In 2 minutes that could all be back in the box. Would you rather they were tied down to the sofa in front of the TV so that we could then pretend they didn't live here??"

Shouting a lot is learned behaviour and i reckon when people did this when younger their mothers should have told them its unacceptable and to shut up. My DS of 9 yrs is so like his dad (my Ex) who used to shout and tantrum... Its so childish and attention seeking and horrible intimidating. When son does it i tell him to be quiet and stop over reacting. A male voice is very loud and its not nice to frighten little ones.
Tell Dp to be quiet and control his immature temper.

Plus, he needs to know that you are already worn down with DD not sleeping well. Who knows. . cant imagine his shouting really helps DD to settle well at night. Tell him she will learn his behaviour and be ranting like a nutter in her teens if he doesnt zip it. !!

my exP was (still is) like this - catastrophising everything.

what is he like in a real emergency/crisis?

maybe tell him you have a real toddler now - he has to seriously consider how he behaves?

doubt will impact much - only he can decide to change his behaviour. and he is responsible for his own happiness... you cannot make someone happy with life.

but you can set a few boundaries/decide how to react - as has been suggested.

"he just then starts shouting and slamming doors, saying I should be doing more to get her to stop crying." he doesnt seem to acept any repsonsibility for input into shaping or modelling her behaviour does he? and yet he is setting an example of getting hysterical over nothing...

Would CBT be appropriate for this kind of behaviour?

CBT will only work for somone who admits/recognizes what the issue is and WANTS to solve it....

overly, me and my Dh have this, and like other posters say, it is learned behaviour. We are having to gradually redefine what is asseptable (sorry, I love Supernanny) and what's not.

We have groundrules that shouting and name calling is not allowed, and will therefore now pull each other up on this kind of behaviour. We had to sit down calmly to discuss this though, and entailed us both recognising that we had some problems and being as open as possible. We had to do this as our behaviours spiral out of control and were seriously threatening health of our relationship.

Your dh will be happier when he knows that he can't resort to major grumps and shouting. You deserve a peaceful home life.

Hello, I'm a newbie, on here because I was looking for advice, but our situations are very similar.
I told DH to get help or leave. He ignored this for a bit, until I started shutting down our relaionship, behaving as if it was just me and the kids. He made an appointment with his GP and got referred for counselling, which starts this week. I guess sometimes actions speak louder than words, is what I am trying to say. Good Luck.