Have namechanged for this, I don't want to live with dp

[mychoicesarealwayswrong]

I don't even think I want to be in a relationship with him. Maybe I'm just not that type of person.

Before I met him I used to get lonely, but I was happy 95% of the time. I had a social life, friends, and I enjoyed my time. I had friends over for dinner, I was happy. Now I just feel bleurgh. I'm not sad, or depressed, but I'm not happy. I have no friends any more, they have all drifted away. An example - I was meant to be going to an afternoon party last Saturday, but he held us up so much it had finished when we got there, and he wasn't invited anyway, he just tagged along. Tonight, however, he is out with his friends, having fun. He doesn't have many friends, and doesn't socialise often, but it makes me so sad to think of all the friends I have lost through having to spend time with him instead. He resents me going out without him, yet would not think twice of not going to something he wanted to. He persues his sports and hobbies, yet I get to do none of mine.

He is not a typical controlling b***d, everyone has been saying how wonderful he is etc. Dd adores him, and he is fabulous with her, and we are due to complete on a house next week. I really resent him being in our lives, but don't know how to get him out of it. He doesn't do anything wrong really, so am I just crazy? Am I doomed to be on my own forever? What on earth do I do?

some people just genuinely prefer to live without a partner around....me,for one!!

i have a boyfriend,but no way do we live together or even want all that.

its not obligatory to have a live in relationship to be happy

I am (thankfully) not living in the new house for the time being, we only have another three weeks together until I move away for work. We have bought the place together but he is living in it, I am renting elsewhere, and cannot wait. He is a perfectly nice guy, there is nothing wrong with him, I just shudder at the thought of having to live with him for a prolonged spell.

It sounds to me like he does do stuff wrong though.

My dh can dawdle and make us late often. It infuriates me. Of course, when it's 'his' events, he's super fast.

I just leave without him. He's realised that I will do it now and he hurries up. I've never seen him shower, shave and dress so fast.

In a way, it's up to you. You do want you want to do if you can see you're doing nothing wrong i.e. socialising with your friends. It's your choice just like it's his choice to socialise with his.

Why did your friends drift away? Can you make contact again?

YOur friendships are your responsibility to maintain, aren't they?

Perhaps we need a fuller picture.

Have you told him this?

I've tried talking to him but he shrugs it off. Aparently he "understands" that I need a life too, but then gets really huffy if I organise anything, and tells me that I make his life too stressful etc. Or I get "dd needs you" if I'm planning on going to an exercise class, then dd kicks up a huge "I neeeeeeed you" etc. Dd goes to her dad's every 2nd weekend, and I used to spend those meeting up with friends etc. Dp now wants them for "us time", which is fair enough, but then deesn't do anything with it bar watching me clean etc. Admittedly, my friendships are mine to maintain, but most are mid twenties singles, so feel like gooseberries coming to mine, yet I cannot go to their's, as dp kicks up a stink. I'm just sick of having to fight to have some form of life away from him, I don't feel that it is worth it, and I would rather just be on my own so I don't have to answer to anyone when I have free time.

This guy sounds totally wrong for you. You obviously dont love him..what are you doing with him??

To spell it out clearly: You were happy before DP; you are less happy now. That's all you need to know.

You don't need justifications, excuses, analyses or anything else. You don't have to fix anything. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. There doesn't have to be anything 'wrong' with him (though he does sound like a bit of a pain to me). What you've done just turned out not to be best for you, after all.

Break it to him gently, ask him to move out, and invite all your old friends round for one of your famous dinners

Hope it goes fairly painlessly for you. And well done on knowing your self so well!

Have to say that reading your responses I agree with IGA - move him out and you move on.

Ok, think of your relationship as a bank account (cheesy I know but bear with me!) To keep it healthy you both need to put things in and take stuff out.

If one is doing all the putting in and not getting anything out then its not going to work. Sorry.

Youre not right for each other. Why the drama, cant you just end it?

It sounds to me like he does quite a lot wrong, actually. And frankly if he does this kicking up a stink when you want to meet friends but only behind doors, while everyone else thinks he's wonderful - and manipulating your child to stop you going out - then he is a typical controlling b*d, of the passive aggressive variety. Totally textbook in fact.

You've got two options for a happy future here: (a) get rid. (b) put your foot down and stop letting his strops rule your life. I have a slight preference for (b) because everyone deserves to be given a chance to mend their behaviour, and there may be some positives to rescue. You can always revert to (a) if it doesn't work.

You are currently allowing yourself to be controlled!. Abuse like this as well is insidious in its onset but now you think there is something wrong you must go with your instincts here.

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world; they don't get to see what he is like behind closed doors though. He is reserving all his crap for you instead. This man of yours is a passive aggressive controller. Get rid of him asap for your DDs sake as well otherwise she could end up with someone like him as a adult for a partner. Not a legacy you want to leave her either.

Would also suggest you subsequently read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

You are responsible for your own happiness, not him. If you want to go out with friends, make that happen for yourself. If you want to pursue your hobbies, make that happen for yourself.

If he views himself as your partner then of course he wants to spend time with you. If that doesn't make you happy then you need to cut him loose and allow him to find himself a partner who wants the same things as him. Don't hold on to him just because he's 'good to your dd'.

You seem very selfish to me - not letting him go because you're scared of being on your own.

Dump this wanker NOW. He is an abuser, he wants you isolated, friendless and under his thumb (the delaying you so as to spoil your outings is a classic tactic).

Um. He is an arse if nothing else.

He is controlling, and you were happier before he came on the scene. No more information required. Break it off.

Hully, chicken, solid and attilla have this spot on. Kick the fecker to the kerb.

It might be worth taking the hit and pulling out of the house purchase. If you don't, make damn sure you've got a full charge on it.

It probably won't take him too long to find somebody else to spend her weekends cleaning while he watches ...
... meanwhile, you can get your nice life back. DD will stop her neeeeedy act, as soon as he's not around to prompt it.