Newlywed and experiencing a sex drought - advice needed!!!

[NewWife]

The header pretty much says it all

Since getting married 9 months ago we've been through 2 house moves and DH has started a new job. He works long hours and the role is very pressured and stressful so by the time he gets home we only ever eat, watch a bit of crappy TV to unwind and then go to sleep.

He does have problems with sex when he is stressed and so I am reluctant to instigate anything for fear of him being unable and then feeling crapabout himself. So far this year we've managed sex about 3 times. We've never been hugely active on that front due to the stress thing but 3 times in 5 months is pretty poor!! Especially as in previous relationships I have been used to 5/6 times a week

I love him to pieces and he is my best friend but I worry that the lack of sex is going to ruin an otherwise brilliant marriage. HELP!!!

I'm going to Relate counselling with my DP about similar issues. It's early days yet but it's already made a really positive difference, so I would recommend looking into it.

that is quite a change in frequency for you Newwife! How are you coping? apart from err obvious personal releases! Does he appear to enjoy himself on the 3times/5 months that things do occur?

Citygent, are you always such a complete tosser?
NW, if he has erectile difficulties, he needs help, sooner rather than later, the longer it goes on for the harder it will be to "cure".

If you're afraid to even instigate sex, there is a huge communication problem, I understand that you don't want to make him feel bad but it's not helping long term.
You need to sit him down and have a calm conversation with him, ask him if he's happy with the lack of sex because you can see it turning into a serious problem if you don't sort it out. Tell him that the only reason you haven't initiated sex is because you can't bear to make him feel bad.
There are plenty of things that can help with ED, before resorting to medication.
Start with his general health and fitness, stress is serious and should be addressed, he could take ginseng, which is a stress adaptogen, it helps the body deal with the physical symptoms of stress.
You could also give him a massage to relax him. He needs to learn how to cope with pressure too, or find a less stressful job.
For both your sakes, you need to open up to each other, a sexless marriage is a horrible prospect for most people.

I could have written your post.

The only difference is that I (as well as my DH) also work long hours and am stressed and so it's both of us who have had a real reduction in sex drive. (Also, DH doesn't have physical issues, but I have some problems down there myself, which doesn't help).

It's not that we don't enjoy it when it happens - it's that we are so mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day that sleep seems more attractive.

The only thing I can recommend is your DH trying to relax more and go to bed earlier. How about the weekends? Long lie ins (if you don't have kids) or early nights make a really big difference to us. By Sunday evening we might have caught up enough energy to be up for sex again.

Also, plenty of kissing and touching - even if it doesn't lead to anything more - just to remind you both of the physical side of things.

Have patience with him and remember it really is about the tiredness and stress, not about you. And in the meantime, having loads of sex isn't the be all and end all, provided you can maintain intimacy in other ways.

Please talk about it sooner rather than later. From my own experience, it was the elephant in the room for years. More recently we have talked about it. Things have since improved a great deal, BUT I think they are also damaged because we did not act soon enough.
Please don't let this lie!

go for it this weekend Newly!!

Thanks girls!!

I've instigated it a few times this month and it was all good ;)! Am hoping that things will improve going forward. Thanks for all the tips on the stress front though. I know how bad it is for the body but with the market as it is he's not really in a position to find another job. Will try the Ginseng as suggested and hopefully that will help!!
x