I have come to the conclusion I need to cut ties with my parents

[LittleMarshmallow]

I feel a huge amount of guilt yet deep down I know they won't change and I will never be good enough for them.

That's not the way to think about it......

They're not good enough for you.

I agree with LL. They are not good enough for you. They should feel guilty about the way they have treated you which has been so bad that you feel you have no choice but to cut ties with them in order to preserve and protect your self and well being.

Yeah I know that this is right it's just very hard but I can't have a mother who turns everything into her problem and how it makes her feel last night she told I had made her feel so bad that she wanted to kill herself said in front of my nearly four yr old ds

marshmallow, I don't know your history, I put a parental post on here once and someone directed me to the stately homes thread, i have found it helpfull x

I have done this.

It is easier than having them IN our lives. I will not tolerate what was done to me being done to my children. Look forwards. It's very, very brave of you.

Accepting and realising that they are never going to change is a big positive turning point and will hopefully make you happier as you have given up on getting what you want from them and they will no longer have the power to disappoint you.

I considered doing this, because of the relationship with my mother, which over many years has led me to having breakdowns, and ending up on antidepressants. Because I have a good relationship with my dad, I decided to keep in contact, because a) I love him, and b)she would make his life a living hell if I stopped talking to her. I once stopped talking to her for two weeks, after she said some unforgiveable things, and she then fell apart, and although he supported me and agreed totally with me - he pleaded with me to make it up with her. Before you cut them out completely, could you think of a basis where you could cope with them with limited contact? This is what I do. I don't tell either of them any more than I have to about myself or the kids or hubby; I stop conversations "turning personal", I ration the phone calls and how long they last; I never see my mother alone. I can cope with this, whereas I know that apart from making my dads life hell, which I would hate, I don't feel the guilt of having no contact whatsoever. The hardest part for me was the realisation that my mother is truly toxic, and that she never was the mother I deserved, and in effect, I don't have a mother. Realising that I'm not the one in the blame, and that the problem was hers and not mine, made me view our relationship differently - and now it works in a fashion. It's fine cutting them out completely, and I admire people who can do this - but you have to live with consequences - so perhaps try lowering the contact and setting some boundaries first? Good luck.

Her reaction to me limiting contact with ds was to turn up last night where I was accused of being a gold digger and how I had made her want to kill herself which looking back is her way of controlling me.

She told ds that he had better give her a kiss goodbye as it would be her last. Then she brought up the fact I allow ds to see his dad's family which she thinks I should cut off.

The final straw was today when I had yet another email from my father telling me how much a disappointment I am and how unless they see ds weekly then they will not have a grandson anymore. I feel sad for them that they are that bitter to be jealous of the dead, my son had one dad only one and he has only been dead for 197 days there has been enough bloodshed. She my mother promised over my estranged husbands death bed in icu she would never stop ben seeing his dads family.

LittleMarshmallow - that is heartbreaking, I cannot understand how parents can be so cruel - you look after yourself, and cherish your son - your parents have behaved appallingly - they have no right to demand anything of you. I wish you and your lad well.

LMM - I really feel for you. How dare your mother behave like this and you dad enable her to do so, especially when your ds has lost his dad so recently. How cruel, if they can do this under such circumstances what are they like usually!

I'm sorry but they do not sound good role models for your son, and are at risk of damaging him (and you further) if they continue to manipulate you both in this way. They can't dictate who your ds does and doesn't see - that's your job to decide what's best for him, and I would start by withdrawing or severely limiting contact with your parents to protect yourselves!

Sorry if that's too blunt, esp as you will be going through a difficult time with the loss of ds dad, but they don't sound like they are at all supportive or worthy of you and your ds. They should be enveloping your ds in support and love just now, not bullying you and not laying on the amateur dramatics for good measure.

I have experience of parents that mirror yours so my thoughts are with you and hoping you can be strong and true to yourself and ds, it might be difficult, but this is all you are responsible for - not your parents behaviour. You can move on from them to a better life.

Mynewname - you are not being too blunt at all. This is what I need to hear. Limiting contact has made them worse and I reset greatly being called a gold digger. I know that walking away is the right thing to do. My mther has had so many chances and will never accept responsibility for her behaviour.
It does hurt a great deal as other than ds I have no family and feel a little alone. however I do know that I deserve to be happy and I will not allow that manipulation of my son. So for now I will ignore the email which doesn't give them the satisfaction of a response which they can use against me in the future with ds.

LMM - I was thinking about your situation this morning and was thinking along the same lines as you, although I have dh, but if I didn't have him I would have no family.

However, me and ds would be a happy family - I owe him that, and who knows, maybe I would meet someone else in the future and have my own little family. But I know me and ds would be better alone than with my maniac parents! Plus my parents would stand in the way of me moving on with my life if I let them any closer.

Your parents are getting worse because they don't like you setting boundaries and asserting yourself, so they are reacting - maybe because they don't like to see you see you as an adult with her own mind? You need to stay consistent in your response to them - I know, its hard!. But you are not responsible for their reactions and behaviour. My mother reacts the same and like you, am moving towards no contact at all because she is not going to change.

The stately homes thread is an eye opener and might help you make sense of what your parents are doing and help give you strategies to deal with them and to move on.

LMM - I had a similar situation with my Mum when my OH died before my DD was born.

To say that she was cruel, would be a joke.... I really don't know what it is with these parents, really I don't.

I ended up turning my back on everyone for a few months and enjoying my maternity leave with DD. I was dealing with terrible grief and didn't have enough emotion to spare to deal with my Mum's bloody drama... And it was all about her too....