anyone any good at reframing crapping things that have happened to you?

[Mummiehunnie]

I have been ok about a situation regading myself, I am just sad for my children. There are thoughts beginning to enter my head regarding finances. I have been done over legally, and although I am not obsessed by money we do need it to house ourselves etc after a divorce.

What is annoying me is that ex has done us over time and time again, no need to go into details just yet, all you need to know is that he has been a spendthrift to avoid paying maintenance etc.

What I had a thought about today, is that I am bankrolling his life when you look at the big picture regarding managing to rehome the kids and me, and us managing to live financially, and I have just paid for his new wives wedding and her engagement ring, her honeymoon etc, as not only did ex steel 30k from the mortgage account and add it to the mortgage, he has upped his debts, stopped maintenance etc, and it is something I don't want to have to think about in that way again.

I am trying despirately to reframe it all, and think about all the good things in life etc, I know he is unwell (i suspect npd) and doing this sort of stuff to make me upset, and thankfully apart from the one thought it has not!

I just don't want to go down the road of anger etc over this new shitty thing, I am trying to limit hurt for my children about what he has done to them, and help them reframe things and help them through what he has done!

I knew he would do this if we had not finished finances before the divorce and the dammed judge pushed the divorce through before finances were sorted, grrrrr.....

I don't think you can or should 'reframe' what your ex has done/is doing. You have every right to feel angry at him. The important thing to do is to direct your anger at him and not eg your DC's or other innocent people. If it is not possible to direct your anger at your ex, you need to vent it in a safe way eg punching a pillow and pretending it's his head, smashing something and again pretending it's him. Anger is a normal human emotion and should not be suppressed or avoided or it will cause problems later on down the line.

I think you're absolutely right to be angry.

Thing is, it's one of those "what's done is done" situations. I know what you mean; I'm still in poverty while X sails from one success to another on the backs of my compliance and his wife's money ...

I tend to think about it as if I'd been involved in a natural disaster (I was: it was called NPD!!) Say you'd lost everything in an earthquake, a hurricane or something. You'd feel sad, angry and bitter, but you would accept your situation for what it was, and get on with things.

For your children, you probably don't need to say any more than the divorce didn't work out too well for you all, money-wise, but you still have each other blah blah blah.

Any help? Oh, and here's to both of us performing phoenix-like revivals, with new & better feathers

phoenix love it, yes that has helped guys, I know I have a right to feel anger, I have felt so much already, I don't want to feel anymore, I want to enjoy life as we are nearly at then end of all the crap from hpd ex! and I am getting myself sorted emotionally!

The kids thing is fine, they are just reeling from his remarriage and he not letting them know or letting me tell them, another kick in the face after they had not seen him for over a year and when he did how he treated them!

I like the idea of the natural disaster, that is going to help me reframe, actually I am not that money orientated, I need a home for the children and the way the state system works, if I don't get a good settlement it will mean loosing what equity we have blah blah blah... feel for kids...

Sorry you and your DC have been treated so badly by the person who was supposed to love you all most, mummyhunnie.

Can only advise that you count your lucky stars that he is not your day-to-day problem any more. What is done is done, but by separating yourself from him, you have protected your family from any more damage from this man. Without the poisonous influence of his presence, you have the rest of your life to live, and DCs have their whole lives before them, clean and open, to enjoy and explore.

You have all escaped, you may have the scars (financial and personal) from what you went through, but that part is over now and the next part of your lives can begin.

Hope that makes some kind of sense.

yes it makes sense elephants and I know that hun now, the problems will end soon when the court case is over and I manage to get into a new home, the thing is he loves having me where he can cause problems and knowing where I am, so I know that there will be more awkwardness to come from him yet!

Imagine how he will end up, if he does not have a complete personality change, that is...

Alone, having driven everyone away eventually, his children most likely wnating nothing to do with him, or barely tolerating him on the periphery of thier lives...

Broke - when you get into the easy way of stealing taking money off people, it becomes addictive and all too soon runs out. As someone with NPD it may well be beneath him to work honestly and diligently to support himself.

Bitter, angry, unloved, friendless, desparately lonely, but unable to change any of the above as it's the world that's wrong, not him.

I know it seems like he's won at the moment, but trust me it is true that what goes around comes around - eventually.

nemo, thanks for reminding me about his life from his viewpoint, kiss and hugs to you for that x x x

I agree with those that said you shouldn't force yourself not to feel what you feel, but if you want a way to reframe things you could try looking at it as more life experience which makes you more knowlegeable about the world and people. Look at what you have learnt from it which will help you live more happily in the future and what you have learnt that will help you empathise with others. Focus on making yours and your children's lives as nice as they can be, without him, in an "I'll show him" way, that you don't need people like him in your life and you are great as you are.

A kiss and a hug back to you too!

My mum has NPD so I am used to re-framing!
Also my dad left when I was very young and has now refused to acknowledge my existence - I have had enough of being hurt and thinking 'poor me,' the truth is both my mum and dad are going to be very sad, twisted and lonely before too long. It is, completely and utterly, their loss that they don't have me and my wonderful dd in their lives. They are seriously missing out as I am a great person and they are quite shit.

Simples!

Easier to say that to really feel, but we will get there!