How to tackle OHs behaviour

[Wonderingwhat]

My OH has regularly gone awol for hours over the past couple of years, up to 3 times a week but the frequency varies. He will just decide to be uncontactable after work, not answer his phone or texts, and just not come back. Often he will have told me he will back by say the kids dinnertime or bedtime and not come. He seems to either just sit at his desk at work, or on a park bench, or a pub with or without friends/acquaintances, previously he would have been drinking/getting drunk, but more often than not he is now eating junk food/dinner or whatever... popping to some venue to see whoever, any reason really? When he comes home if I question his behaviour he is very defensive, towards aggressive, as if it is my fault for nagging, not his for lying. He does have depression, not that that is any excuse for what he does. And it stresses me out to the extent I had 6 mouth ulcers at one point. No amount of talking or getting mad has stopped this. I am not a wuss, but have very small children and sleep deprivation and being on call 24/7 with no respite, away from family and lots of promises of change, have stopped me taking more drastic action. I feel bad in a way, because of his diagnosis should I be more forgiving, or am I just being emotionally abused by this treatment? The relationship is not at its most stable at the moment, much of it because of the way he has no thoughts for me. I am pretty sure he is not having an affair... and besides nagging him for being a shit, I don't think I am a bad partner...

Can a man change? Or am I letting him walk all over me... hmmm just venting here a bit...

Hmm, he has depression? sounds like he IS struggling.

I know you are stressed, I know you are being run ragged with childcare etc, but try and talk to him and get him to open up.

He possibly feels, as you are so stressed too, that he can't talk to you, for fear of burdening you more.

Depression is a selfish disease, it introverts all it takes over.

Is he attending any therapy? CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) pretty much saved my life, can he go back to the Dr to get referred?

Has he got any books to read, the Feeling Good Handbook, again, was illuminating. Perhaps there are other books available now that could help him. Is he on meds?, are they helping, if not, get them changed. There are many, many depression medications, you have to keep going till you find one that takes the edge off, AND do the talking therapy/read the books. Tis pretty much the only way out.

Can you get him out for a family walk? instead of him walking around by himself, could you all go? gets you some well needed fresh air and change of scene too.

Hang on in there, try to be supportive, i KNOW it's almost impossible, and I feel for you.

Good luck

Thank you that is really supportive and helpful. He has severe depression, to be honest this has been going on some years. He has been on ADs since Jan, just started a second one recently. And is going to CBT and has lots of books. It is just so hard for me to see the exit sign... the getting better bit is incredble slow and painful. And I cant help worrying that there is no "out" of the depression. I do try and talk but it is hard, when he is on a downturn, he convinces himself that I am the cause, as there are no concrete reasons why he ended up with this, bar some distant family history of the same.

Can you possibly agree some down time for both of you so you are free to do what you want, e.g. what he does after work on Wednesday is up to him, you won't cook him supper and will leave him free to enjoy the evening. Likewise you will have the same time free of all family responsibilities at another time in the week. Again I also think it would be good to schedule in some fun / relaxing family time together too.

promises mean nothing - actions are what count.

there is no excuse for agression....

first - is he able to get to work on time, maintain his work commitments? does he walk out of work and disappear? does he have a good job, eanring well, managing to maintain that?

if he is coping fine with getting to from work and meeting commitments there then you need to set clear boundaries about what you expect from him as a father.

ask him what he think he should be providing as a father/husband.

contact when he goes off at the very least. if he can manage work times - he can manage home times too - maybe agree certain days of the week he is free to wander but be more strict about the others... set clear boundaries

if he does do this from work - then work should be addressing it too, occupational health service etc. do you know for sure if he is coping at work or not?

what was he like before the depression?

is he committed father when he is there?

how old are the children? if under five seek support from sure start centre, get a weekly volunteer in to help you, speak to your HV / GP for support for you.

can you ask to go to a joint session with the CBT therapist? or attend his session? if s/he is only getting his side s/he may not be realising stuff eg the way he blames you....

or get some joint sessions with a different family therapist experienced in depression?

read depresion fallout.
www.depressionfallout.com/

set your boundaries - just set it out clearly -we have children together i need help. i need your commitment - just as you commit to work - on these days a week. at these times.
you may agree that - the rest - you can wander as you like...

ask GP about seeing a counsellor for you - you need support to deal with this. a counsellor can help you think through and tease out his behaviours - maybe think thru what he can/cannot control; what is depression related? what may amount to him "taking advantage"?; why he might think you are the cause?

a family therapist/psychologist trained in depression could also help you deal with the depression related behaviours.

the last post had good suggestion about fun/family time - but is this something you can achieve?

with my exP fun family times just didnt happen when he was like this.... it would always be a disaster (from his point of view) eg lovely country walk = mud on shoes = complete meltdown from him... it was easier to do stuff (and more fun) without him...

He doesn't want to come home. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I have done this in the past and it is usually because I just don't want to face going home.

You say he is depressed and I'm sure that is true. He just probably knows he is desperately unhappy and is probably blaming it on the "stress of family life". You sound quite stressed and unhappy yourself (unsurprisingly).

What you have to do is decide whether having your dh in your life is making things easier or harder for you. If it is making things harder then take some action.

Can you get any help with the children at all to give yourself a break? I don't think you are going to get the support you need from your dh at the moment and constantly demanding it of him is getting you both into a downward spiral. I really think you need to put in place a plan to get YOU the help you need to manage without your
dh.

When you are more in a position of strength you can look again at your relationship with your dh and make a decision then.

I agree with trying to get yourself some support, it may help you deal with the rest of it.

IME, it was a very long slog. It took a lot of effort to keep going, day after day, and in the end only an attempt on my own life shook me into reality... wouldn't obviously recommend that..

No-one gave me much chance of getting through it, they thought it'd kill me, but it didn't. I don't know what the key was, short of staring my own death in the face, knowing what it would do to the rest of my family and generations after me, but I did find my way out.

It took about 2 years though.

I agree with the calmly sitting him down approach and gently telling him that you are behind him all the way, and want in the very fibre of your being for him to get better.... (it's worth a try.. pick your moment though)

BUT..

that you do need help, that he has to put some time in, and give you a hand, that he has to talk to you about what he's feeling, where he's going and he has to keep his promises. I'd also say to him that aggression is not welcome in your relationship either, so to either get help with it, or make it his number one priority to cap it right now.

Ask him to help you to help him help you, iykwim...

If that fails, then you are going to have to look out for number 1, and get yourself some practical help, to take the strain off your shoulders.

Let us know if and how we can help you, wishing you strength!