Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum and her manipulative, selfish husband

5 replies

DalbySun · 08/06/2010 10:06

God this is going to be long, apologies in advance.

I'll try and be brief: My mum was married to my dad, that broke up, she hated being alone, she dated numerous men in an attempt to get "someone" and basically had a string of disastrous relationships. But she put these crap men before EVERYTHING, including me (I was about 10, 11 at the time).

Finally she met someone as desperate for a relationship as she was. Within a year they were living together, married with a child on the way. I was an irritating bit of baggage at this point but I'll try and keep my bitterness out of it!

So fast forward 17 years they're still together but she is desperately unhappy. He takes no responsibilty for anything. Their aspergers daughter, the house ... ffs his mother has just died and he decided he needed a break and has fucked off to the other side of the country so my mum can deal with all the hassle of tidying his mothers house, arranging funeral, dealing with solicitors etc etc ... all whilst his father lies in a hospital bed dying on phneamonia!! (sp!!! soz)

Anyway she regretted moving to his old house pretty much as soon as she did. It was in the other end of the city (where she was not familiar), it was damp, it stunk, old fashioned, falling apart ... but he refused to move saying it was "where he was used to" - fuck what she was used to iyswim.

He's always had his heart set on retiring on a narrow boat and wanted to sell the old house when he retired to buy one. DESPITE KNOWING FULL WELL MY MUM DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS. Everytime the convo came up he'd say "when we retire on the narrow boats" or "it won't be like this when we're on the narrow boats". One day she told him she would not go on them to live so he went upstairs crying and started packing his stupid boat books away saying he "didn't need them anymore" childish bastard.

BUT I know he has ALWAYS had intentions to fuck off on these stupid boats anyway and everytime he's pretended to listen to her, he's just been pretending. She thought he had a load of money saved up for their retirement, yet when he was forcedto draw it out she found he'd invested it in shares ready to cash in when he retired (IMO, to blow on a boat).

Anyway they did move in the end, into a house she loved in a nice area. Everyone was like "aww isn't he sweet, leaving that house for her" and I'm thinking the twat is up to something here ...

His big mistake came next when he told someone at work, during a conversation about relationships that whilst he and my mum are "kind of compatable" at the moment, it may not stay that way as he WILL be going to live on the narrow boats. This someone he told happens to be the husband of my best friend.

So I know he's planning to leave as soon as he retires leaving her with the responsibilty of a child she cannot cope with and a house she will not be able to pay for.

The most annoying thing is I knew what he was like from the beginning but everyone just thought I was being a jealous teenager. I KNEW because he said nasty shit to me when nobody else was around to back me up. My mum won't have a word said against him. I have told my grandmother who suprised me and said she knew he'd do something like this too, he'd let it slip to someone she knew also and she'd realised he's not as sweet and innocent as he has made out all these years.

But what can you do??? my mum has no idea he has said these things. If I tell her, she'll kick off and say I've always had it in for him. I'll look like the bad one again. But why can't she see it?? I feel guilty knowing what's coming and not telling her.

OP posts:
titchy · 08/06/2010 10:37

Only a short reponse - but really it's your mum's responsibility to deal with whatever comes her way, not yours. She's an adult not a child who needs warning or advising about the future. Their daughter on the other hand - what is your relationship with her - your half sister like?

If you want to be supportive support your sister, and maybe make sure you are up to date with what benefits she would be entitled to, and what sort of spousal and child maintenance your step-father would be likely to have to pay in the event that they separate.

The scenario you outline may not happen of course....

pollyblue · 08/06/2010 11:02

Oh Lord I feel for you - my Mum is about to marry for the fourth time to someone she's known only briefly - her previous two marriages were "on a whim" and both men turned out to be vile - the one she married when i was 10 was abusive and I had an appalling time until I was able to leave home. The next was a drunk and a gambler who almost left her broke.

What I've learnt over the past few years really echoes titchy's post - it doesn't matter what you say or do, your Mum is an adult who will do as she wishes and, if she's like my Mum, if you're openly critical or express concern, you'll be the bad guy.

It's difficult but all I think you can do is maintain a good relationship with your Mum so if things do go seriously wrong, she'll feel she has your support.

lucky1979 · 08/06/2010 12:14

Leaving aside everything else...if he has always had every intention of retiring on to a narrow boat and your mother hasn't then he's right, they are ultimately incompatible. And if it took her a long time to tell him straight out that she didn't want to do that, and in the mean time let him talk on about "when we're on the narrow boats" then he's probably feeling that she's changed the goal posts on him rather than the other way round.

Either way, there isn't much that you can do, your mother is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. Just be there for her if the worst happens.

coppertop · 08/06/2010 14:41

From experience I would say that this part of your post gives you your answer:

"My mum won't have a word said against him."

It won't matter who tells her or how they phrase it, she almost certainly won't want to listen. It may even be that she knows exactly what he's planning but is in denial.

All you can really do is to carry on with your own life and leave them both to it.

Miggsie · 08/06/2010 14:48

If your mum has her head in the sand, only she can pull it out.

How dreadfully frustrating for you.
I watched a friend's marriage go like this. It is horrible to see someone you care about totally screw up, and also deny it is really happening.

Your mum sounds emotionally needy and not able to admit her errors.

The only good thing being it has made you strong and able to recognise a git when you see one.

All you can really do is be there to help when it all hits the fan.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page