Child in an alcoholic/binge drinkers care.

[xfiles001]

Hello all.

This may come as a surprise to you but you may guess I'm a man ( last time I looked anyway). Well here goes. I'd like a female's input to this drastic situation I am facing.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 3 years now. Previously I was with another woman for 15 years and had children. My latest partner and I have one small boy, aged 18 months and he is the bees knees. Anyway, she has a child aged 8 from a previous relationship too.

My partner has since the age of 15 been a binge drinker, verging on alcoholism. Has been in and out of counselling, psycho therapy, was advised at one point in her life to be sectioned and on anti depressents. She hasn't had the best upbringing, losing two fathers ( her natural father when she was only 4 who was also an alcoholic and the other, the step father, when 15 who was strict). She has been to the AA ( though quit after a couple of months), seen her GP and an Alcoholic Counsellor who was to be honest absolutely useless.

Here's my dilemna. My partner and I don't live together. It's impossible with her binge drinking which sends her violent and argumentative. I have in all events done my best to stand by her, trying to support her both through encouragement or through trying to show her alternatives to seeking help. Even though she understands her problem and admits it, she doesn't seem too interested in seeking the right help. She's 28 and also two years into a counselling course, undergoing counselling at this moment in time and also trying to establish a career. She's very intelligent, when sober the most loving, caring and sensible mother anyone could ask for. My child is bathed regularly, beautiful clothes, healthy foods ( especially as I have a heart condition) and encourages him with his devleopment. In fact when sober I cannot fault her.
The problem is her drinking. Several times the police have been called because she creates an atmosphere. She was recently in a fight because of drink ( does a 28 year old woman act like this) with another woman and got a pasting. She has had social service investigations in the past before because of her drinking and the police have even removed her 8 year old and placed him in my care for 24 hours because she was drunk and agressive.
I feel my child is at risk. We have recently split and now I am nolonger there to watch over my child and her other. Whilst she agrees that I have my son at weekends which allows her to drink, there have been times when I have called or cold called on her and found her drinking, either alone or with friends whilst in the charge of my son. This creates an argument as I see my son at risk later on when she is absolutely hammered. Only a few weeks ago she had a nasty injury when falling asleep with a cigarette and set fire to her breast! Another recently was her falling asleep with a cigarette and burning her dress! Luckily I had my son with me and her other was with his father. She has also attacked me with a knife whilst I am holding our baby boy and he was terrified because she had been to a party and got hammered and came home in a rage whilst I was looking after her other son too. He is very distressed!
I have spoken to her mother who admits she doesn't know what to do. Police cannot become involved unless a crime is committed and social services are neither here or there and usually whn they act it's too late!

As a man I am asking for a woman's opinion on this. We read so many articles about men being drunk and threatening partners and mothers. This is a role reversal. I do not know what to do? I fear contacting social services because I don't want to cause her too much grief and send her over the edge. On the other hand I have my son's well being and best interests and safety at heart. What is my best course of action and who can I speak to who can help me for my son? I do not wish to take him from her at all, I am just concerned that despite her guarentees she won't drink with him that she might and something terrible will happen. This is because I've caught her doing it! Someone please help or point me in the right direction for the sakes of my little boy.

Thanks all.
C

Used to work dealing with a lot of social services referrals, believe me, every time recommended Social Services intervention, even on a couple of occasions removing the child from the home, it was with a LOT of reflection, remorse and consideration! I know the picture of SS is as hard nosed jobs worths, but that really isn't my experience at all.

Good luck. God will protect and guide you, I am sure.

MIL is a social workers - children and families (basically she deals with the situation where children are in trouble). They try everything to help and support the mother/father/family. Removing a child completely is a real last resort and only used when the child is in immediate danger.
I suppose what I am saying is I think you are doing the right thing and they will help her (and your DS of course).

Good luck Craig, you do need to put your son first because, unfortunately, your ex can't while alcohol is number one in her life.

I think you would also find a call to the NSPCC Helpline 0808 800 5000 would be beneficial. They offer advice (you don't have to identify yourself) to anyone concerned about the welfare of a chld.
It might help you to talk this through with someone?

FWIW, I agree entirely that you should do something constructive (now!) to save your son, and his brother from the danger they are currently in. I could expand re what it's like to live with a volatile alcoholic....but you've been there. It's not to be wished on anyone.

Hi,
Just wanted to ask, have you asked your ex to give you custody of your son?

XFiles: What a very sad situation for you to be in, I am so sorry, I can see why you are desparate about your little boy.

Have you spoken to your own GP? I wonder if you might all ve referred to a service like family therapy, in which you could have calm, constructive discussiona about the care of the children?

I wonder if you have been able to talk calmly about taking over care of your little boy, without 'threatening social services'? If she is an impeccable parent when sober, she MUST be able to see that setting herself on fire when drunk is a lethal risk, would she not willingly let you take the main responsibility for care until / (if) she sorts herself out?

Good luck - you sound a lovely Dad and I'm sure with help you will find a safe and secure solution for your little boy.