Puzzled re relationship with ex MIL - need help

[feelrubbish]

A bit of backgroud.
Had been with exDH 11 years when I left him 2 years ago. I have dc (5 and 4).
Left ex because he was abusive, emotional manipulative, would smash things and push me about if he didn't get his own way and never helped with dc or house or anything but could sometimes put on a good act when it suited him.
I moved out one day with dc - didn't tell him. I was in a terrible state emotionally, was barely coping, he wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem and I was terrifed of him.

Ex bad mouthed his mum for the first have or our time together. She was useless, selfish, a bad mother. Then when we had dc and she wanted to watch them while I worked I was told of course she will be great -I was confused.
Anyway the truth as I see it now is that ex MIL has been in abusive relationship with exFIL he treated her really badly she has no rights when the house, does everything for him, they do nothing together. ExFIL filled my exDH head and he beleived it.

Anyway since dc born I have has am amicle relationship with her as she has watched dc 3 days a week for years whilw I worked - now theyu are at school she helpsin the holidays.

This has continued after we split - if I need her help I make all the arrangements with her directly as exDH does not help out during the week at all.

She sympathised with my plight when I tried to exlplain that exDH sat and played computer games all day and night and was aggressive to me and the dc. She saw it for herslef (I spoke to her to try and get her to speak to her son as a desperate meausure osave my marriage - she didn't speak to him as she believed he would then treat me worse)

Since then she has never accepted that I had valid reasons for leaving and defended her son and felt that my actions were not jutified. Very little said to my face usually to my mum at family events.

More recently I feel ganged up on by the pair of them - ex is very manipulative and difficult to communicate with and I have said I want all dicussions by e-mail or text. They wont accept this and yesterday while dropping of the boys wouldn't leave my doorstep despite me saying that I didn't want to discuss it at that time. She told me I was wrong and should be able to -(discussing him altering the already unreliable contact plans) and I wanted to sort it out later. I felt really harrassed and my neighbours would have heard the whoel thing. They also brought up that I had been taling about him to my best friend ( I had) but she had mentioned something to another friend and it somehow got back to him. So I had to deal with other accusations on my doorstep.

So she is totally on his side and sees me as the evil ex wife- faire enough, her perogitive but when I am dropping the dc's at her I get 30 minutesor her woes, friends illnesses, her hospital trips etc. She phones me to talk about things. I have tolerated this because she has such an awful life and nobody listends to her (even ex he tells her she is boring and wont listen) and becuase she helps with dc and just because it is a nce thing to do.

I am so mad now and I feel so manipulated but not sure what I should. Clearly being civil for sake of the dc is the best but I feel like I am being used as a source of help and support on one hand while while despies me and open talks about as well.

What do you think?

Sorry is so long!
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I think you need to find alternative childcare in the holidays. Once that is sorted, you need to distance (emotionally if physically isn't possible!) yourself from ex-MIL.

It was highly improbable that she'd ever see the realtionship between you and your ex-H from a neutral position - she's his Mum, so is going to take his side. Stop offering to be her personal counselling service and distance yourself.

Good luck

Yes your right - if only it was that simple. She hassles me to see the dc in the holidays.
I am happy to make other arrangement but she pphones about a month before every holiday and assumes that she will have them
If I say I am off she is not happy and will create reaons to have - like jessie down the street hasn't seem them for months and the only chance is in the holidays bring them on Tuesday.

This summer holidays she is assuming that she will have them everyday I am a t work.
I wanted to give ds1 more to do over the holidays so have arranged some activity days/camps to break it up. She is not happy and sees this as me taking them away from her.

If she hears that the local school have an inservice day she is on the checking that I haven't left her out of plans.

Also I don't volunteer to listen to her she just wont stop talking when I go in to collect dc's - it is so hard to get out. She ddoesn't respond to "normal" clues that I want to go. I have to be rude to get out.
I dont phone her for a chat - only talk about dc when I talk to her.

But yes I have to emotionally distance myself from her.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound as though it would be simple. I can only imagine how difficult it must be

Apart from all the emotional blackmail with you, what is she like with your children? do they enjoy spending time with her?

Have you got caller display on your phone? or could you start letting all calls go to the answer phone and screen them a bit? the less often you speak to her the better really.

Trying to see things from her point of view, she must be very worried that you're going to stop her seeing the children now you're not with her son. Not that that excuses her behaviour though.

Have you tried warning her when you drop them off that you need to collect them promptly? I was thinking maybe you could have something else planned that meant you couldn't hang about being moaned at. Gas man or courier coming etc. Or if it's when they collect or drop off, you have another appointment to go to party / swimming / hairdresser / doctor etc etc. Might be worth trying.