Advice on post-break-up dealings with newly ex-dp

[DivineInspiration]

DP of more than three years and I broke up at the weekend at my instigation, after a big argument which then turned into a realisation mostly on my side that the things we argued about make us too attitudinally mismatched for the relationship to continue. So it's not exactly an amicable break-up, but not a hostile one either.

We're meeting on Saturday to exchange house keys and possessions left at each others' houses, settle the dust. When the hurt is a little less raw, I'd like for us to be friends - I care about him immensely and he's a great laugh and a I like him a lot, I just know that we're not working as a couple - so I'm going to float that to him. (Or is it too soon to suggest it? I just don't know.)

What I'd like advice on is this: I said a short while ago that I'd give him some money to help with a printing venture he wants to set up - not a great amount, just a couple of hundred pounds. Also, I didn't buy him a birthday present earlier this year because he wanted a camera but didn't know which one; so I said he should shop around and then let me know when he'd found one he liked and I'd buy it for him. What's the Mumsnet consensus on giving him money when we meet on Saturday? Is it an inappropriate thing to do after a break-up of any kind? I want him to have it, partly because it was a 'promise' on my part and also that I'd really like for him to get his printing thing off the ground because it's something he's wanted to do for a long time. But I can also see how it might be the wrong thing to do and that my guilt at being the instigator of our break-up might be subconciously making the decision for me. I've asked a couple of my friends, and they've both said they wouldn't give money to an ex at a break-up, but then I also know that neither of them have ever had a relationship end without hostility and hatred and screaming, which obviously affects how they see it.

Anyone feel really strongly about giving money being the totally wrong thing to do? Thanks.

It's a wierd thing to do. TBH your whole post sounds more like you think of him as a child or an improvement project rather than a partner. As you don't have DC with this man I would advise you sort out the keys and possessions etc then leave him alone - you are coming across as a bit controlling and as though you want to carry on medddling staying in his life, as though he doesn't get a say in it at all.

Don't hand over any money at all in these circumstances. Its kind of you but its really not at all appropriate now to do this. Also you'd never get that money back again and he'd need more than a couple of hundred pounds to get such a business started.

SGB - this is more or less why we're breaking up, so I suppose you've hit the nail on the head. I can't think of him as an equal partner because his lifestyle is so immature for a grown man.

He doesn't have any money to speak of and really can't afford to set this printing thing up alone - which is why I said I'd help him. It's an attempt for him to get off benefits and start building a life and an income, and whether he's my partner or not I'd still like for him to do that.

But, I know deep down you're both completely right. Reality check. Thanks.

I can understand why you want to make good on your promise but I think if I were him I'd feel a bit offended - especially since it was your idea to end the relationship, I'd feel 'paid off'.

That said, he'll probably secretly be wondering whether he's still got a chance of getting his hands on your cash so I would try and approach it in a way that doesn't dent his pride or dignity so that it doesn't seem like your guilt money, nor does he have to broach the awkward subject with you and lose face by begging.

How to do that, though? Ha! Maybe other mumsnetters have some suggestions as to how to make him the offer tactfully, I'm struggling to think of the right words at the moment.

Maybe say something like, "I understand that you probably won't want the loan now, but I'd still really like you to have it if you don't mind. How about I post you a cheque (or insert other method of delivery here) and if you really don't want it, you can post it back."

Anyone else?

Don't give money to him, it would seem horribly patronising.

Hmmm just saw your post about him being on benefits and not having much going for him - if that's why you're breaking up with him then presumably you don't want to be carrying him any more, so why then are you perpetuating this carer role of yours by offering to give him money?

Sounds like you don't want it to be your problem any more so don't make it your problem. Would it not be more about assuaging your guilt anyway?

Scratch what I said above, in light of new info I don't think you should give him anything.

just look on it as a painful but necessary cutback
very now
don't give him the money!

I can totally understand re. patronising. I was just to-ing and fro-ing over whether the patronising could be overruled by it being something that was promised before now. Madonnawhore, I did consider doing as in your first post, but I wouldn't want him to send it back, I don't want to go through some big drama over it.

I do feel guilty about not being prepared to stick around and accept him for what he is - he hasn't changed, I knew what his lifestyle was like when we met, or should have done - which just adds to the guilt. But I've been trying not to focus on all this crap. I just know that I have to end the relationship for my own wellbeing and his as well, really. Deep breath and plunge, rather than niggling at all the doubts.

Again thanks. I know how it needs to be done, I just didn't expect it to be so hard.