My mum is my life hell!

[AnotherHelen]

I will try and make this as short as possible, my mum and i are not getting on - although this is something i think has passed her by, we used to be very close until i had my first child and since then she has behaved like he is HER son, she assures me when she found out i was pregnant as i hadnt been with the father long and was only 20 at the time, she thinks she had a hard time accepting it, and convinced herself she wouldnt even like my baby when he was born, she hasnt stopped telling me how to look after him, how to feed him,change him discipline him from the moment he was born!! not just your usual interfering mother - she goes WAY further than that, i was went round one evening with ds1 (who was then 4 at the time) and we had had a little tantrum as he wouldnt go to the toilet and i knew he needed to and so on the way round to my mum he wet himself, i simply said when we got there that i wasnt going to change his pants yet he could wait a minute, i had told him to go and now he knows why! well my mum went and walked off to sulk - quite literally sulking! and my step-dad (who is just as bad) followed me into the kitchen and started shouting at the top of his voice im a f*king sht mother!! this went on for a few minutes before i returned fire and all hell broke loose! this was about a year ago and i very literally bent over backwards and made myself a door matt by saying it was my fault and we should just get on! and so we did but i have to say the shock of his behavior and how my mum just stood there acting like it wasnt happening really really hurt and still does, but he is my mums third husband and i know how much it would hurt her to have a wedge put between us all. Well my ds1 had his 5th birthday yesterday, and we had a little party at my house for him and a bbq, after an hour or so myself and some friends were sat in our house chatting and on of my friends said 'is your mum lighting birthday candles?' i jumped up and went outside, to where my mum had gathered all the kids and some of the adults, she had lit the candles and had started everyone singing 'happy birthday' like i just simply did not exsist!! she just completley took over like he is her son and i had nothing to do with it! We didnt discuss it as obviously it was a kids party and she really doesnt do confrontation, so she went home soon after and i expect she will call me at some point and act like nothings wrong! im soooooo unbeleivably furious i cant think straight, i really need some help and advise as to how to deal with her and how to deal with this dilemma! im sorry it so long but i cant describe how stressed out i am from her behavior - not just yesterday but for the last 5 years!! xxx

Anotherhelen,

Put it in a letter to her. Take some time writing and rewriting it to get it just right. Show it to a friend for opinions before sending it.

The point of the letter should be - in as diplomatic a way as possible - to explain your hurt feelings to her; in the hope that she feels sympathetic to you and ready to change and accomodate your feelings.

Btw - telling someone they are a crap mother is just about the worst thing you can say imo. at your step dad on your behalf

AH, you need to talk to your MOm about this...your Mom probably only wants to help, but I do find that age and the fact that she probably sees you as still being "her baby" muddies the waters, why do women have a tact transplant when they become grandparents??
My Mom is overbearing and soo eager to please (she is in the room next door at the moment doing my ironing, even though I have begged her not to...she's been here 3 days and I NEED my space!) that sometimes she does things that I could get offended at. The thing is, we are both very fiery and tend to have a heated debate about it and then it is all resolved! You sound like you need to clear the air and stop stewing about things.

Sorry you are feeling so bad about this. Agree with hmc that a letter is a good idea, even if you never send it. It will help you to get to grips with what the real issues are for you and if you ever actually talk to her about it, will enable you to stay rational and to the point.

Reading your post, it seems to me that you've made too many compromises in order to keep the peace and now feel (quite understandably) resentful about it. You need to decide what you want from this relationship: the more you compromise, the more you will feel that others are taking the p. In particular I wouldn't take those kind insults from anyone, whether or not he's married to your mother. It is time to take control of the situation and make the relationship work for everyone, most importantly you, your son and your mother. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you will reap the benefits in the long-term.

Sorry you are feeling so bad about this. Agree with hmc that a letter is a good idea, even if you never send it. It will help you to get to grips with what the real issues are for you and if you ever actually talk to her about it, will enable you to stay rational and to the point.

Reading your post, it seems to me that you've made too many compromises in order to keep the peace and now feel (quite understandably) resentful about it. You need to decide what you want from this relationship: the more you compromise, the more you will feel that others are taking the p. In particular I wouldn't take those kind insults from anyone, whether or not he's married to your mother. It is time to take control of the situation and make the relationship work for everyone, most importantly you, your son and your mother. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you will reap the benefits in the long-term. hth and good luck

oops

Thanks hmc! he was out of order and i still cant believe he said that, he does tend to get sulky or just walks out when ever i tell ds1 off, its like he isnt my child and i have no right to say anything to him aaarrgghhh the other problem being i am due to have my thrid baby in about 5 weeks and i am booked for an elective c-section and will obviously need to stay in the hospital for a few days, mum is upposed to be staying here and helping out with ds1 and ds2 i know if i talk to her about this she will make it blow up! she once threw herself on the floor and claimed she was 'having a stroke and i was killing her!!' when i fell out with her over something similar, she is just off her tree! and i just want nothing more at them moment to sell my house and move me and my family FAR FAR away from her and him! im so fed up with feeling like a crap mother!

AnotherHelen I think you are being too tactful. I think you need to be firmer with your mother. Try and think of some of the strategies you use with your son and see if they would work on your mother.

I can totally understand why you would be furious at her for lighting the candles and singing 'Happy Birthday' when you were not there. I am afraid I find it hard to believe that she would do this without thinking that it would hurt your feelings. However, if she really does these things and has no idea then you have to let her know. Sometimes people carrying on behaving a certain way if they are allowed to.

I don't see my mother often but when she came to stay recently, she was soooo interfering. I put dd down for a nap (which she needed)and next thing I know, my mum had gone into dd?s room, picked her up and said to her in a baby voice 'mummy is mean putting you down for a nap when all you want is a cuddle'. I blew my top and told her if she didn't let me get on with things then she would have to leave. She has behaved herself since.

Well she just called and left a message about picking her bouncy castle up that we used yesterday and 'i know that what i did was out of rder yesterday and i realise that now, i didnt see it at the time but i do now, but u know me i will probably do it again, its just the way i am, i suppose your not talking to me, so let me know when you are' - like its nothing, i really think im either going to explode im so mad, or im just going to have an absolute screaming fit at her! i really cant face calling her back right now as she will just coninue to be a cow about it! lizzylou - i wouldnt feel as bad i dont think if she was the kind of interfering mother who was ironing my stuff and takin over my house, but she has never done anything like that, she never even comes round just for a chat or cup of tea, we have a second son who is 2 and she has told me a few times that when ds1 is at school she will come pick up ds2 and play with him for the day so i can have a break, every tuesday she said about 6 weeks ago, and she has had him once, she calls monday night or early tuesday morning to say oh sorry iforgot i have to go and see 'someone' or its such a nice day and i havent done any of my gardening for ages, excuses and bullshit is all she gives me, my sister who also has a 2 year old and had her second baby about 10 weeks ago, rings her all the time and asks her to come and take her 2year old for a while as he is driving her nuts and she does! my mum was supposed to have my ds1 last tuesday and called to say she couldnt as she had 'something come up' i had made plans that i then had to cancel (again!) and i saw her a few hours later and she had my sister ds!! i asked her about it and she said well beth (my sister) was getting fed up and wanted a break! nevermind the fact i have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and another due in a few weeks, im sorry if it sounds petty but i think I need a break! my mum has never been round to help me out when my second baby was born and i know she probably wont with this one either, she has ds1 every thursday night to stay over and she has NEVER EVER cancelled once!! not even when she has been sick! she has never had ds2 overnight once and when i ask she just says no he's to clingy with you! i cant believe what a 2 faced person she has become! she never used to be like this! i know she will call again in a minute and i know it will all just go into 'meltdown'!!

i would be furious about the cake thing. i am v lucky with my mum but i find that even though she doesnt go against my wishes, she does a lot more (and sneaks them a lot more treats) when at her house. i think its a bit of left over 'under my roof' mentality. would it be possible for your mum to just see you at your house for a bit? i know the cake incident was at your house so you do need to explain to her what the problem is, but you might feel a bit more in control in your own space

I think it would be best to talk to her quietly about how you feel. A letter can be misinterpreted as you don't have voice intonations and facial expressions. So far as the party is concerned, of course she should have asked you first but maybe she just wanted to get the party moving for the birthday boy. Perhaps she thought you had taken your eye off the ball.

AH, it sounds like your Mom thinks you are more capable than your Sister at handling the stress of parenthood...Do you ask her to take DS2? Perhaps she needs to feel needed and she gets this from your sister?
You do need help, I feel awful for moaning about my Mom ironing now, ask her outright, say you "need" her help and she may well be flattered into action...

my mil used to show a lot of favouritism towards ds1, exactly same stuff like she would have him overnight but not ds2. i put my foot down and said they were a package and both to be treated equally. if she had ds1 she had to have ds2. if you dont give her a choice she will have to accept it.

is there any chance you and your sister could exchange children for a few hours a week so you both geta break and dont have to depend on your mum? you could always take them to a soft play centre or something when its your turn (i realise you must be rather exhausted at this point in your pg!)

Well i just spoke to her and although we didnt come to any particular solution we didnt have a screaming row as i had predicted! She made alot of excuses and we left it at that, i really wish i had the ability to be better with words and satnd up for myself more, but i guess im just naturally a door matt! My sister bless her has had my kids occasionally and i have had hers, but like most 2 year olds, hers and mine clash - ALOT!! and ds1 who is a sweetheart despite all the attention he gets from everyone is very good with the little ones (im sure he's an old man in a 5 year olds body bless him) and he intervenes and sorts them out, but of course it does mean we occasionally avoid doing things together as we cant handle all the chaos that the 2 year olds cause! anyway i guess this problem isnt going to get sorted, and its a shame as my mum and i used to be so close

Well done for talking to her. I am sorry that it didn't turned out as you hoped but at least you let her know how you felt. Have you spent any quality time with your mum? Maybe you could go out for lunch just the two of you and talk things through properly.

Thanks lmn! that might be a good idea! i suppose it may help if we had chance to sit and chat about things without all the chaos of kids and so on around us! - it cant hurt can it?