Does time apart ever help?

[ermmmmmmmmm]

That's it really. I'm not sure if I want DP and I to get back together or even if we did how we could make it work but I just wondered if time apart ever helps.

By time apart I mean him moving out, renting somewhere and us having minimal contact. not time apart to send time together IYKWIM?

I'm guessing it wont help matters one bit. Just trying to manage my expectations.

i'm afraid i don't have any advice but am v interested to see what other people think, will watch with interest.

I think it will help you see how you feel.

If you dont see your dp and find that you dont miss him then you have your answer.

I don't ever really miss people though I don't think. Time will tell I guess but that doesn't help in the here and now!

If he said to me right now lets stay togethe rI would still suggest he move out as I do think space is needed. I keep listing to that beautiful south song, "a little time" and i'm worried that will be us

Mini bump

In my case it did, but things aren't perfect now either so whether it actually did work or just drag things out I can't tell.

I can say that when we had time apart we both absolutely thought that is was over forever so when we realised we both still wanted to be together it was a nice surprise.

However now things are a bit wobbly again we're about to try the whole 'time apart' thing again to see if it works. Maybe it's actually over and we haven't got the guts to finish it. I'm hoping that will become clear while I'm away.

If things aren't working when you're together sometimes it helps to just take the pressure off and chill on your own for a bit while you both figure out how/if you want to move forward.

Time apart might help if connection is strong but you have some issues, but generally I don?t believe in it. I had 3 months apart with my ex first husband, then we moved in back again (we loved each other) and divorced about a year afterwards. I guess because the problems persisted, and only feelings weren?t enough to maintain the marriage.
I wouldn?t do time apart with my 2nd husband, because I believe in working it through together. However, odd few days away would help to settle your mind, if one of you feels confused and needs it.

We're doing time apart atm, but we are doing it apart to spend together.

It seems to be helping. I have no idea how things will pan out, but things are so much easier between us than they were. It has taken the pressure of life off of our relationship.

I think it all depends on your issues though tbh. I don't think it would work for us if we weren't seeing each other as DH just goes into his own little hibernation and wouldn't miss me much .

Flame, I think that's what my DP will do - basically just work work work and if he doesn't see me then he will "forget".

Think I'm just going to assume it really is over and anything else is a bonus. I'm not even sure I want to be with him, like I said, I do need time to think. He ended the relationship though.

It's just, I don't know. What happens if in say 6 months time I find I do love him and want to be with him! Should I wait for him to be the one t say it, as he is the one who ended it?

Such a minefield.

I tried this.

In my situation it was me who was having doubts and wanted to be sure before I ended it that it was really the right thing.

I didn't miss him that much. And that was my answer.

DH is the kind that once he has a computer he doesn't miss anyone much regardless of whether or not he loves them.

Why has he ended it?

With us, things had hit a rocky patch and I was stupid enough to ask if he loved me. When put under the microscope, he wasn't sure. I still maintain having read "I love you but I'm not in love with you" we're just at that stage of it all getting too comfortable, plus piles of stress, and a "helpful" female friend giving him "advice". We tried to fix it together, but the stresses and friend were all still there. Now he has moved out, things are a lot easier with us.

The thought of being without DH forever made me realise how much I do love him (I was having doubts when it all kicked off too). But I am actually fairly happy living as we are.

Flame, I think you might have been on my other thread. Long story short, he was detached for 6 months and I was asked him why (quite a lot) he said nothing at all we're all good etc.

We've spent about 1.5 years living separate lives in the same house due to work commitments and buying a house that needed a lot of work.

Anyway we went to see some friends who have been together for years and I relaised we are just not entwined enough; so we had words.

He told me he had drunkenly kissed another girl (from work) 6 months ago - he is at fault but this girl is a bike, she now goes out with a married man from work.

We tried to make it work together but really I tried he didn't. He told me he loved me and cared about me a lot but wasn't sure if he was in love with me as he didn't have that 'feeling' any more. He then admitted he kissed another different random girl who is physically the opposite of me (I asked him for this info). So for the whole time we were trying he was still lying. He swears blind it was just those kisses.

He says we have fun together and he enjoys spending time with me but making t work felt uncomfortable. So with this info coupled with the news about the 2nd kiss and I suggested he move out.

He also works in IT and I think he will find it easy to forget about me - until it's too late and I'm with someone else!

I've read a few self help boks (which is a first to me) and I could recognise that the problem was not working enough at "us" and taking our eye of the ball. But he thinks it all went wrong because I'm not the "one".

Who knows eh?!

I'm quite destructive person when I'm hurt and I'm fighting every urge not to hook up with as many men as I can right now. Partly due to self preservation but also because I know if I do that my heart will be closed to him forever.

It's a right pain in the arse!!

Oooh I'm not sure I could cope with knowing that there were two kisses. One I could probably, with time, move past, but two would lead me to assume he was at it with everyone in sight the second my back was turned (I do have myriad trust issues though).

I know what you mean with the hooking up with men thing . We are still a couple, we are still hugging and kissing, but sex and passion will apparently "complicate things" (). I can see where he is coming from in some ways as he is trying not to get my hopes up when he is still trying to work out his feelings, but imo, the connection and desire is still there so we should be doing things. My libido may be talking more than my brain though . Anyway, back to the point. Part of me feels "well if you don't want me someone else will", and it would be interesting to see how I felt about someone else. The other part though tells me he is staying faithful during this, so I have to too.

I'm not sure any of that helped

That did help flame. I don't know if I could forgive 2 kisses part of me thinks I could because I would just know if he did it again and this time I would trust my instincts.

I think the problem is that I could entertain the idea of a future possibly but I know he will be off on his merry way and will be too fucking stupid to put it out there.

Oh well I suppose I deserve someone less emotionally stunted or similar. I'm young and quite attractive and funny etc so no doubt I will meet someone. Just not sure it could ever feel as right as it did with him!

Flame if I were you I'd be dying to reconnect in a sexual way - you're a big girl surely you would know that if you did have sex then it wouldn't nec be a "sign" of anything? Sometime you just need that connection and need to feel like you're wanted!

Would you "know" though, or would you just suspect and assume when he could be innocent?

I've learnt so much this year about just how big a part trust plays. When I am feeling stable I kick myself for not seeing that I have been blessed with a trustworthy man, and my lack of trust has done so much damage. If you go back into it you have to be able to trust that he won't do it again.

Why did he kiss them?

Got all offended and thought you were calling me a "big girl" to begin with But yup, I am a big girl, sometimes it is just about contact. We're a long way off normal, but we are doing better than we were two months ago. I feel that that connection would do a lot. Plus I spend all my time with my brain whizzing round, it is the only activity that makes it completely shut off, so for selfish reasons I can see the benefits.

I saw DH last night, and won't see him again til next Tuesday at the earliest. He will be occupied with fun stuff, so I doubt he will miss me. I am not brave enough to ask.

But, at the same time - not missing you isn't a sign of not wanting, loving or needing you. I can be completely engrossed in other life. It doesn't mean that I don't love or care about the people I am not around any less, just that other thoughts are occupying me.