Am I over thinking this - not sure I feel feelings [confused]

[ermmmmmmmmm]

This is a very weird post so bear with me - am regular have name changed.

Ok I've had quite a tough old life, haven't seen my mother for 10 years, my dad is gay, discovered my mothers affair when I was 8, my family aren't the best etc etc.

However, I've always been one of those "oh well no point moaning get on with it" types. My partner of 6 years and I have recently broken up (no children luckily) becasue he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't find me attractive, oh and he also kissed 2 other girls. (btw I do think I am attractive so that's not the issue)

Now this is the weird part. I do love him and miss him and part of me wishes we were still together but I am getting on with things just fine, being practical about the split etc. However, I'm not sure I'm feeling things properly and I've often thought that in the past about other events (like family deaths). It feels like my emotions are almost put on sometimes, I dunno it's hard to explain.

Is it possible to actually just be ok after all this or am I in denial? Everyone keeps looking at me like they expect me to start howling any minute. If I am some sort of robot should I try and sort it out; if so how? And is it worth it?

Am thinking I'm just over analysing everything and I actually am fine.

I know what you mean - no really I do. As I am much the same. I cannot pretend to have had a tough a time at life as you, but the whole not feeling feelings thing I can relate to.

I have always been of the mentality "Oh well we can't change things, so may as well get on with it"

If it helps I have found that things changed once I had my child. I find myself crying at charity adverts showing starving children, can't bear to see elderly people shopping 'for one' in the supermarket etc.

I am currently 39 wks pregnant and about a month ago we got news that an much beloved aunt had died suddenly and I burst into tears a my mother told me on the phone. On putting the down it suddenly occured to me that a few short years ago I wouldn't have reacted like that. I would have been upset for my mother, and the immediate family, but there would have been no tears.

So basically what you might need to do in order to feel differently is to have children!

Phew! Glad I'm not alone. I know I do "bottle up" my emotions - or at least that's what my dad says but I don't feel like I have done that for a good few years. But another nagging part of me is thinking; too much bottling it up means I've turned something "off".

I don't think I have ever felt super happy either - I'm not depressed or anything like that. I have food, a home and great friends so what more do I need?

I blame America for this - too much analysing .

Glad to hear it sorts itself out when you have children; better get the turkey baster out then

You are talking about me, I under react to lifes big problems but then flake out occasionally about the little things, I am aware of how I should be feeling and people always think I am putting on a brave face but actually I am fine, I too have had the turbulent upbringing and have jsut got on with things, my dh thought I would go to pieces when he started working offshore but I quite like having a bit of independance(and a big bed to myself) I definately would not say I am low maintenance though, I constantly seek affection and reassurance

I have never really thought that this is a problem, so I am quite suprised and interested to see that there are people for whom it seems odd. Not making a dig, just that I've always been aware of my feelings, or lack of, and thought it was normal and nothing to worry about.

I know what emotion and facial expression to show eventhough I may not be feeling it. I have also been known to hug people when they are obviously distressed, when I have no 'feeling' as to how they are feeling.

Stop over thinking this - you are fine! And good luck with the turkey baaster

Hi

I had a hugely abusive childhood followed by 2 abusive alcoholic men and now a philandering H. I learned, in fact my older brother taught me, to hide my feelings. He used to tell me not to cry as my violent mother fed on children's tears and got worse. I now find it impossible to cry. My feelings are often numb, except for anger, but it quickly goes. My friends tell me I often appear to have no feelings, but they tell me I am very strong. I think I just suppress feeling, but am not sure. Maybe I am incapable of them now. I certainly never wallow in feelings. I did find that my children brought out warm feelings in me which I have never felt for anyone else. I am basically happy and very self sufficient. I often wonder what it must be like to fall in love, grieve, miss someone, feel fear, feel homesick etc. Am I missing anything worth having? Is this your experience too, or am I alone?

Can't speak for the others, BA, but you're not alone - I'm with you!! As young children, my brother and I used to have very serious conversations about how much crying was optimal during one of dad's beatings - if you didn't show pain, he hit harder, but too much got on his nerves and then you got thumped for crying. My bro & I are both fantastic people to have around in a crisis, but have often worried about (and been criticised for) being "inauthentic".

Since going nuts and, subsequently, doing therapy, I am more in touch with my real feelings - but it's patchy. And I don't cry anywhere near enough.

OP, I don't suppose it's a problem unless you feel it's a problem?

H left me a few months ago for OW after 19 years of marriage and I was fine about it 7 weeks later. This was after 5 weeks off work with stress and lots of tears. Felt that it wasn't right like yourself to be over things so quick, but went with the flow. I don't bottle things up but realised that that was that. Also realised our marriage had been pretty bad and hadn't noticed that until he left.

However then had a holiday abroad for a week, surrounded by honeymooners and people celebrating 50 years of happy marriage and that did upset me. Stayed upset for 3 days after I'd got home. Posted on here last night...and today I'm fine again. Realised as well, that I don't need to go on holidays to feel free and be myself, I can be like it all the time.

Glad to hear other people are similar, I had a happy secure childhood, so might not be related totally to bad things happening, may just be how you are.

SK

I think as well I am always much more upset on other peoples behalf than my own, anyone going through or gone through the same experience as me I will feel pain for but if its me nothing comes.

Thanks for all the replies everyone - I don't feel like it is a problem but again overthinking if I'm ignoring my feelings then I wont think it's a problem will I?

I just want to make sure I'm not being short changed in my life experiences I guess. I don't really miss people, or feel any "rush" of emotions (good or bad).

I have mild depression & one of my symptoms is not 'feeling' enough. I choose not to treat it & just live with it. I miss out on some happiness, but then I miss out on some sadness too. Most of the time, I just feel that this is all very very boring.

You may not feel depressed as such, but you may well be (esp. with a tough old life as you put it) - if you want to feel a visit to your GP may be an idea?

Please add a comma after feel