To think my boyfriend's behaviour is cr@p?

[AIBU2000]

Been together for 6 months. The relationship is supposed to be exclusive and it's he who pushed for that.

We don't get a lot of time to see each other because of our lifestyles. I haven't seen him much lately at all because he's been ill, fair enough - not his fault. We've seen each other but only for a few hours a time. At these times he still seems very much into the relationship.

Yesterday we were supposed to be spending the evening together - we arranged this a few days before. Then at about 5 yesterday he says his cousin has turned up which has made him late and can we meet about 8.30? I thought this was ok but as the evening goes on he texts to say he's going to be a bit later until finally I get a text at 10.30 to say it's too late we'll have to leave it.

AIBU to think this is crap?? 1 because in the first place he should have told his cousin he was meeting me and 2 because he should have cancelled earlier if he had to?

he kept me hanging on and I had got ready to go out!

I think it's reasonable that he should have things in his life other than me but this made me angry - it seems disrespectful.

AIBU?

I meant to put this in AIBU - sorry

It is crap, I agree.

Tell him he is sending mixed signals - saying he wants an exclusive relationship, yet not prioritising spending time with you.

I'd find this especially worrying so early on in a romance. Think what he'll behave like once he's 'comfortable' with you.

Doesn't sound promising to me, i'm afraid. Is he very young?.....not that that is an excuse.......

Just what I thought earlybird, and he expects me to prioritise my time for him. He's my age - 28 so not really young.

I had quite a go at him about it and he now says he wants to explain and he's upset.

Allow him the chance to explain if he doesn't usually do this sort of thing. It's possible that the cousin was having some sort of crisis that he needed to talk through, or he lost track of time or something.

Mind you, it sounds a bit like he's not that into you. And I definitely wouldn't prioritise someone who wasn't prioritising me: a man who wants you sitting at home waiting patiently in case he feels like getting his cock sucked is a bit wierd and selfish and unpleasant.
I would either give up on this one or just shove the relationship lower down the priority scale, do what you want in your own time (you don't have to ask his permission) and don't worry about it over much.

Thanks for advice. Actions speak louder than words as they say. But I feel upset because I had ended up feeling quite close to him and he obviously did a good job of faking feelings for me.

If this was a one-off and he generally isn't a selfish prick, then I think you can let it go.... If he is always this inconsiderate then obviously you should rethink your priorities and commitment to him.

I would mention it to him the next time you see him that you were a bit pissed off about being kept waiting around and see what he says. He may be full of apologies, bring you flowers, and say that his cousin was at the point of suicide or something hence he had to cheer him up...

Tell you what worked for my friend....as she has the same experience as you........just ignore his calls for a while, don't pick up, ignore texts etc, and see how he reacts.................if he gives up contacting you....then you've got your answer ! Or he may come running............with a big bunch of roses...............this way you'll surely find out !! GOOD LUCK and let me know how it goes

I had a talk with him about it last night and it turns out that he was at a work meeting with his cousin which he knew nothing of until Sunday. His boss was going away yesterday for a month and he had to stay and sort out what would happen while he was away.

I pointed out that if he'd told me it was about work I would not have been annoyed!!

Just remember it could still be BS and he is a player so I still recommend doing what Scarlet says above - it wouldn't hurt. He could have told you now then what he has now so why didn't he? Give a player a bit of time to think up a plausible excuse and they usually do. Sorry, I've had fingers burned so am very sceptical.

To be fair, though this is the only time he's ever done this in 6 months - usually he always does what he says he's going to do and this was quite out of character for him. He did tell me he was with his boss at the time but since he socialises with his boss I took him to mean that he was socialising.

Yes, I suppose he could be lying. But at what point do you decide to give someone the benefit of the doubt? If it happens again though I will not be willing to listen to excuses.

I forgot to mention this though.

He said 'I think it would help if we lived together'

I thought this was odd......

Hah no. Why would you live together? You're supposed to put the effort in (and supposed to want to do so!) before making a more permanent commitment! Isn't that obvious to him? I'd be wary of him aibu2000.

Interesting logic about living together......

If the incident was a one-off, and you really like him, give him another chance. But my antennae would be up regarding any future flaky behaviour....

Sorry if already said, but, why couldn't you join them?

Its not the same 'big deal' some people have with the meeting the parents event. ( personally I don't think this is a biggy, never have) but a cousin, not a big deal at all, so why not have combined? It is a bit crap, but I can think of much much worse...

It was supposedly a work thing susie. Yes you are right - could be a lot worse but I do think some of his behaviour is a little unusual to say the least.

I really and truly don't think its anything to be worried about. He does NOT sound like a player, nor a BShitter. It genuinely sounds to me, that he was with his boss too, which is always a difficult thing to get away from, socially or not, you feel obliged to 'do the right thing' with/for them. They do, annoyingly have a certain hold over you - well men anyway!

I think if it's really got under your skin, then have a serious talk about it,get it all out in the open and put it to bed, draw a big fat line under it.

Yes, it was crap, yes he should have text you or excused himself and called to explain, but he didn't, and that can't be changed now.

Don't play any games with him, like not calling/ answering calls etc, its not worth it. JUst be honest and true. There's no point, and it's immature to behave any other way.

My DH has Aspergers, if he has a situation he doesn't know how to tell me about, or, something crops up, or, he cant come home as planned ( he works away mon-fri) then he simply cannot cope, does not know what to say or do,so does nothing at all ! Instead of just sending a txt or calling and saying i'll be a day late, or that he's working all weekend after all. He simply just doesnt DO anything. He'll not answer the phone, as he doesn't know what to say upon answering, as he can't deal with emotion and think I might be. Despite me never being emotional, but just wanting to know whats happening! As I do understand plans, situations etc do change suddenly, in all kinds of situations! But anyway... my point is, it really is not a big deal at all. Honestly.

Just talk, move on, and leave it behind you. Tell him it was a crap thing to do, hes never done it before- clearly is commited to you as he's mentioned living together. Do you have Dc's together btw?

Seriously, as someone who's been through a hell of alot worse, and deals with all kinds of odd stuff on a regular basis, its nothing. Its never happened before. Just let it go, ensuring he knows how you felt about it.

Move on and be happy

Put a little perspective on it you could have my DH to deal with!

I'm sorry, but have I missed something somewhere else with this one? what is this all about?

solidgoldbrass
"Mind you, it sounds a bit like he's not that into you. And I definitely wouldn't prioritise someone who wasn't prioritising me: a man who wants you sitting at home waiting patiently in case he feels like getting his cock sucked is a bit wierd and selfish and unpleasant."

I'm genuinely asking, have I missed something? As if not, I cant see how him not calling etc but sending a txt eventually after a couple others, saying it was too late and would have to leave it, I simply cant see how this equates to wanting you sitting at home waiting to such his cock? Quite the opposite! If he'd said its 10:30 can I come round now, then maybe this might possibly be a possible valid point though even then I think it a little off to think that way...

Seriously, have I missed something else?

Susie: The OP says the man has pushed for exclusivity and expects the OP to 'prioritise' him yet doesn't seem to be making any effort.
AIBU: I agree with you that something seems a little bit off about this. DON'T move in with him. Trust your instincts here. Thereis a possibility that this is a man who sees women as toys/pets, he wants you in his house so he knows where you are and that you are waiting until he's ready to play with you.

SGB, I'm not so sure that you're right. I read the OP as saying the man has always so far done what he has said he would do, and then appears to be have been in a meeting. I don't read this as him not appearing to make an effort, on what seems to be a one-off occasion.

However, I do agree that moving in may be a little premature, and that the relationship should develop further first.