Odd relationship with Mum - or is it just me?

[auburnlizzy78]

Hi all

Background - Mum is in her mid sixties and lives with my stepdad about 100 miles from me. I'm 31 and live in Herts, expecting first baby. Am an only child and this will therefore be her first grandchild.

I would say we were very close, emotionally. She has been a wonderful, supportive and caring Mum over the years, we speak at least once a week, often for well over an hour, about anything and everything, superficial/fun and deep. Stepdad is a nice guy too, so no issues there.

Since she moved to near the Welsh border, about six years ago, however, there's been a fair bit of tension as I see her much much less. She makes no secret of her view that where she lives is wonderful, beautiful, the people are so friendly, everyone talks to her, everything is so superior where she lives, not like in the South East where I live which is busy, frantic, over-populated, horrible, and she will never never move back. (I live a five min drive from open country). She is desperate to get me and DH to move down nearer her but a) there's no work and b) it would mean leaving DH's large and lovely family who all live nearby (Mum and I are from South London originally, I went up to Herts to be nearer DH's lot, my own family being very small and scattered). She says "but DH's family have had you for five years, isn't it my turn now?"

Against that backdrop, you would think that she would want to see me a bit more. I try to go down there, but there is always an excuse like "oh, well you can't come on Friday, that's our shopping day" or "we're going to be busy in the garden/we're having the kitchen tiled/someone's coming to quote for the driveway" even "I've been ill (true) and I don't need the pressure" (!!) even though I said the point of me coming was to help look after her after a bad viral infection. Most often though it's "it takes us five hours there and back though so we'd have to come for a weekend and we've got X/Y/Z happening" (see above). It doesn't take five hours. They take the longest route imaginable, stop off several times, and will not respond to a gentle suggestion of an alternative so a return trip could be done in a day.

Last time I saw her was when they came up when I was 13 weeks preg. Now I'm 24 weeks gone, have asked them to come up in early July when I have a bit of time off work. I was told "provisionally yes, but if there's a heatwave we won't be able to come because there will be no one to water the plants".

I don't get what is so fantastic and amazing about their life down there that Mum can't come up and see her only daughter, or why, more generally, she will never consider moving back near me? I am her only family, step dad has no family/kids. They have no friends where they are, only people they talk to in the hairdressers/coffee shop, no ties to the area, they are always moaning about how much work the house is, so I don't understand their thinking. I have tried talking to mum on numerous occasions about her lack of logic and approach to these situations, she gets VERY defensive and snippy.

Makes it hard because she has been such an amazing mum, always fought my corner, and we have had great fun together. But is it unreasonable to want her/them in closer proximity especially as they are getting older and now I'm having a baby, and to spend TIME together, just going shopping, having a coffee, normal mum and daughter stuff that I really miss.

I hope this makes sense and would love to hear any insights/advice....sorry for long post.

Your Mum sounds very similar to mine in that she has become more selfish over the years. Infact both my parents are very set in their ways now and are truly creatures of habit. They also do not like having their routines disrupted (by anyone like family in particular).

The overall lack of support over the years has profoundly affected how I view my Mum (not just to say my Dad as well) to its detriment because she was not there for me in the early days when I needed her. Not all of these Mothers are there at all for their adult children but I did hope for better and was sorely disappointed, not just to say hurt, by it all.

All I can add is keep the lines of communication open then you cannot be accused of shutting the door.

I will warn you now that she may well not change her tune at all even when her grandchild is born. They will do and say all the right things initially and then they'll back off completely.

Re her comment too:-
"but DH's family have had you for five years, isn't it my turn now?".

That comment of hers is also selfish in nature as well; she was the one to move away after all and she surely cannot expect you to move nearer to where they live now.

Thanks Attila. I think you're probably right when you talk about not liking their routines to be disturbed. Mum has always been a bit like that, very inflexible, very set in her ways (although of course she doesn't see it).

I hope that having a grandchild may focus her attention a bit, but like you say, I won't hold my breath.

I've started to mention to her about how much my MIL is doing, and that she's coming to my midwife appt, and has offered to move in for a week or so to help me, while DH moves out to study for his uni finals (bad timing, this baby!) Hoping, although I know it's childish, to make her a bit jealous and see if that triggers a change in behaviour, especially as I tell her "of course it's not quite the same as if I had YOU around...."