What important topics to discuss?

[ameliameerkat]

Hello wise ladies (and the few men who are on here too!)

What important topics do you think should be discussed before you settle down with an OH? I've been with my boyf for a bit over a year now and he'll be moving in soon (would have been sooner, but he has a few things to sort first)

I would say the following should be discussed:

• children: if you want them, how many, how to parent them, schooling, religious education etc.
• roles in the home esp if you do have kids, who stays home etc
• religious views and implications for marriage, how to bring up kids etc
• politics
• where you might like to go with your career and implications (eg if it would require moving to another part of the country/another country)
• what the important things are in life to you (eg having a longer commute so you can have a house in the middle of nowhere, work to live or live to work, having a family etc)
• attitude towards money (I'm very tight with my money, boyf has prefered to spend his but is now coming around to the idea of saving )
• any other topics you feel strongly about (eg gay rights, feminism etc)

Anything else? I think I've covered all the above with the boyf, but would be interested in others' opinions. I want to maximise the chances of the relationship working out!

Thanks!

Think you've covered almost everything.

Marriage - whether to marry before having children?

Finances - will everything go in a joint pot, will you contribute the same amount or relative to your respective incomes?

Family - relationship with parents, siblings etc.

Attitudes to fidelity

Deal breakers

Importantly, if you are intending this to be a permanent relationship I think you have to go into it expecting to grow and change. Realistically you are not going to have a conversation saying what happens if we have a disabled child, one of you becomes ill or disabled, you lose your job or - having said you want to carry on working full-time after having children- you then find your priorities change. Suppose it's like comparing a pre-nup (trying to cover all eventualities) with marriage vows.

Thanks LadyLapsang . We haven't spoken much about fidelty (only as much as he knows if he ever cheats on me then he's out the door!) so that probably needs a bit more discussion. And both his parents have health issues so issues related to that probably need to be a discussion sooner rather than later for sure.

Thank you for your thoughts - much appreciated!

Be aware that whatever you discuss and agree about now, your views may change with time - and also, people might think they know how they would cope with infidelity/bankruptcy/having a child with SN/prolonged severe illness but might find that when something drastic actually happens, they feel and react differently to how they thought they would.

I think the key things are that you are both basically kind, fair, reasonable people with similar outlooks and goodwill towards each other.