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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had enough

21 replies

BeyondFedUp · 07/06/2010 10:27

I just can't do this anymore.

I am a regular but have name changed because I know DH lurks.

I work full time, have DCs and yet it is still my responsibility to organise everything at home.

DH is out of work and does do stuff like taking the DCs to school occasionally but if he doesnt feel like doing, then I have to.

I couldn't tell you the last time I had any time off to do anything I wanted to do and yet he seems to find enough time to go out drinking with his mates or sailing etc at the weekend.

I don't want to live like this. I am so resentful and annoyed at the total imbalance in the split of the workload that it is making me depressed.

Tried to talk about it, has worked for a day and then reverts.

Have written down lists, get glanced at and then ignored.

Have shouted, been shouted at back, worked for a day, and then reverts.

I feel like a single parent and he is another one of my DCs who needs looking after.

There is no sign of another job on the horizon and so money is now tight and yet that is the elephant in the room too.

What's the point anymore?

SOrry its long and rambling. I am knackered.

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 07/06/2010 10:28

I am not surprised.

Is this a deal breaker for you as nothing will change unless you do something drastic.

Lulumaam · 07/06/2010 10:32

sounds terrible

absolutely grindingly knackeringly awful

who looks after you??

if he is not working outside the home, he needs to do the at home role.. school runs, shopping, majority of cooking/cleaning etc...

and not enjoying lots of free time with mates every weekend - who is paying for this fun ? you are , both emotionally and financially

is he even looking for a job?

he cannot live the single life whilst married with children

there is no point if you are not in a partnership and he is not contributing

Lulumaam · 07/06/2010 10:33

BTW, DH always takes the DCs to school on his day off and collects them, he wants to do it, the children love it.. I am sure he does not always want to get up at 06.45 on a day off, but he does becuase that's what you do when you're a family

Original poster

BeyondFedUp · 07/06/2010 10:38

Fab, it is starting to become a deal breaker. I adore this man but I just cannot carry on. It is though he just doesn't care that I am this exhausted.

I am not saying he does nothing but it just feels as though he does something and therefore that means he can have the rest of the day "off".

And for a mum when does that happen?

And if I worked that way, who would then do it all? Nobody.

Lulu, no-one looks after me.

Which depresses me even more, feels like nobody cares. I know he loves me, and my DCs do, but I feel that they just don't care.

"Oh its okay, she will do it" is the family mantra.

Makes me want to cry tbh

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 07/06/2010 10:47

oh , it is awful, i can see why it makes you feel so sad

are your DCs old enough to do some stuff to help? putting clothes in teh wash, laying the table etc..

have you told him he is close to losing his marraige?

mophead5 · 07/06/2010 10:51

Does your DH actually have a job?
If not, he needs to get off his arse, take kids to school EVERY day, cook, clean, and make his sorry arse useful...makes me so angry that men think they can get away with this .
Tell him straight that this is a PARTNERSHIP and no hangers on allowed.

Original poster

BeyondFedUp · 07/06/2010 10:56

Lulu, they are old enough and tbh they do help. They are at school during the day though.

Mop, no he doesnt. I do though

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 07/06/2010 11:04

i am afraid if DH is not working and not pulling his weight at home an is taking plenty of leisure time with no job on the horizon, it would be ultimatum time for me.

you are not a slave, you are wife and mother and still a person in your own right who needs love and support and you are not getting any

toja555 · 07/06/2010 11:09

Been there, trying to work it out.
I used to feel lots of times that I am taking 100% responsibilities in my family, which drove me absolutely crazy. DH would take a comfortable position of ?what are you going to cook tonight?? ?I am going to the gym? ?I would play with DS, but he does not want to stay with me? and would do his own things leaving me to cope with everything.
It had to change some time as our marriage was going fast down the hill. Instead of being easier to get things done myself (easier, quicker and better quality), I started asking DH ?Could you please do this??. Always respectful, never shouting, as shouting blocks him out. Not always happy, he would do what I asked. I try not to pay attention to his reaction, just to the result.
I set up some rules for both of us ?from now on you will collect DS on Tuesday, I will collect on Thursdays, are you OK with that?? He wouldn?t dare to say no, and although he might not be happy, he has been doing as told and I never have to remind him (easy for me).
I try to ?reward him? by being respectful, making up in intimate matters and asking his opinion on things that don?t matter to me (like what he would like for dinner as I don?t care what to eat).
We still working on that but I believe it was partially my own fault that I treated him as a child and ended up having all responsibilities myself.

toja555 · 07/06/2010 11:15

Don?t drop all ?to do? lists at once, set up one rule at once, make him to agree with it (?you wouldn?t mind cooking dinner on Monday, would you??), don?t go in to arguments why he has to do it, don?t complaint if result is not perfect. If he doesn?t do as told you can say ?but you promised!?, involve kids in your excitement ?daddy is cooking dinner tonight, are we lucky aren?t we?? etc.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 07/06/2010 11:49

It isn't fair.

When DH and I met I earned more than him, once I got pregnant we discussed who was going to stay at home. By then he was earning more then me and my wage wouldn't have kept us. My job is in the home and I do everything between 7.45 and 6.15 when DH is at work. When DH comes home he just picks up where I am at and does what needs doing while I do our dinner, or do something with the kids or take 5 minutes.

That is how it should be imo.

You will make yourself ill if you carry on.

Original poster

BeyondFedUp · 07/06/2010 15:23

Fab, that is how I want it to be.

The DCs are not his and I think that makes a big difference.

It is making me ill but still nothing changes.

OP posts:

mamatomany · 07/06/2010 15:28

It shouldn't make a difference if the DC's are biologically his or not, is he part of the family or part of the problem.
I'd be making him do the school run there and back or he could piss off.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2010 15:32

You have a cocklodger there. Give him one more chance or chuck him out.

(FYI - cocklodger + bloke who targets single mothers because they will be so desperate for a relationship that they will feed, pick up after, support and suck the dick of any loser who's prepared to be My Partner.)

Is he good enough in bed to justify keeping (in every sense) him as a kind of luxury item, or pet? I wouldn't have thought it's very likely.

foureleven · 07/06/2010 15:39

SGB, cocklodger - love it!!!

This is no way to live, get out now. He doesnt love you if he treats you like this.

He's a SAHD who doesnt seem to do any of his duties.

Mind you, people are very quick to jump on here and say he needs to get a job or do ALL the housework and childcare... but if this was a male OP in the same situation with a wife at home who didnt do much then I very much doubt anyone would have jumped to his defense so quickly.. Just a point I had to make!

But yes, back on track - get out OP... and kick him in the balls as you go.

foureleven · 07/06/2010 15:42

Oh, just saw that the DCs arent his. A definite cocklodger then.

I wouldnt go in for all this praising him and setting rules etc, he shouldnt have to be taught how to treasure and respect you.

boudoiricca · 07/06/2010 15:46

BFU am glad you're seeing the light here. Time to get rid off this waste of space, I think. There are far better men out there, but you'd be better off on your own, not looking after this twat. 411 has it right - his love and respect for you should be automatic - it's clearly not there and it can't be learnt.

And I just have to add a moment's appreciation for SGB I do enjoy (and agree with) your straight-talking.

Original poster

BeyondFedUp · 07/06/2010 17:46

This makes really hard reading.

He is the man I love. And I thought he loved me.

Seems I was wrong.

Again.

OP posts:

foureleven · 07/06/2010 18:57

oh beyondfedup, I can FEEL your saddness. We've all been there. But thank god you have found out now rather than a few kids and a mortgage later!

Bless your heart. come on, pull yourself up and start over... it can be done many many times - from the voice of experience!

expatinscotland · 07/06/2010 19:01

What SGB said (starting to sound like a broken record).

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2010 19:55

BFU: Sorry you are feeling so sad about this, but have a little think about why you 'love' someone who is treating you as a combination of mother and unpaid servant.
Have you been convinced that any relationship is better than no relationship, and you have to 'love' this parasite because he has preserved you from the awful fate of being single?

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