Things still haven't changed, don't know what to do now. AF, WWIFN etc. if you're there, I'd appreciate your thoughts

[scarlotti]

Have posted many times before, but bit of background for those who don't know me.

DH and I together 8 years, married 3. 2DS' together (4 and 6months) DD (15) from previous r'ship.
Been on the rocks on and off for a long time. Have been going to relate for a few months now.
DH is like a teenager really, lazy, never takes responsibility, never proactive in doing anything. I'm main earner which he struggles a little with, but admits he enjoys the lifestyle that brings.
Can be a good dad when he wants to be, and has the energy to put in the effort. Doesn't stick to rules we've made though when he's tired (e.g. amount of tv time for Ds' etc.)

So a month ago he made this big sweeping statement about how he was going to learn to drive, be more assertive and more family oriented. We had a relate session that night and it was the first positive one in the few months we'd been going. Cue me being much more hopeful and so sessions have now been put on hold until end July for him to follow through and us to sort DS2 into own room, before doing the sexual part of the sessions.

A month has now passed and nothing has happened. There's a little more help at home, but everything is still down to me and not even one driving lesson has been booked. He's been for hypnotherapy and was told to book a lesson asap but still nothing.

Last Tues we had long conversation and I basically said I needed space. He got v upset, came home crying etc. promising lots of change. It's now a week later and still no driving lesson has been booked. I'd suggested a trial separation after DD's exams to see how we both feel but he was so upset I backed down.

I don't know how I feel anymore, I'm just so tired and worn down/out. I'm fed up of feeling miserable and I feel like I just keep being fed lines when we talk as there is no action to back them up.

We have agreed to talk tonight about it all.

Would appreciate any thoughts. My instincts tell me that whilst I'm sure he wants to change, he's maybe unable to. He is genuine when he says he'll do x or y, but seems unable to follow it through.

Is there any hope here? Am I ever going to stop dreading weekends or coming home of an evening? I just want to be happy.

Don't want to leave you unanswered, but have no real experience to add, expect when dealing with DH slightly similiar issue, all good intention - no action, I keep making the point that it is the action that counts, not the thought (in these circumstances anyway). So don't be nice and comforting to upset H, making it clear how upset and disapointed I was with the lack of action, was what worked for us. Maybe a trial seperation is the shock he needs?

Thanks for post. I'd assumed that the talk last week where I said I wanted a trial seperation would have been the shock he needed to get moving on things. Even something small, but it hasn't happened.
I'm starting to feel like I'm being stupid and just accepting all the promises like a muppet iyswim.

Well after me saying I'm still not happy this morning, hence prompting the plan to talk later, he's now booked a driving lesson.

I know I should be pleased, but part of me is annoyed/frustrated that I have to be talking of leaving for this to actually happen.

Does that make me a miserable old hag?

No! It is deeply frustrating when you find yourself having to threaten all the time to get silly little things done. And harder still when you are trying to not hurt anyone, but their inaction is pushing you over the edge.

Maybe take a deep breath and figure what is worth you taking action on, and if you have to threaten it, make sure you carry it out. It works with 3 year olds (and my DH!).

doesn't sound to me like he really wants to change. he pays lip service, very convincingly and it gets you off his back for a week.

sounds a bit too like you're mum nagging him to get something done and he's the kid who has to be followed up on.

it's exhausting.

in your position i'd say 'look, i need you to do blah blah and be more xxx but i'm not prepared to nag you anymore. if you feel that this isn't what you want then we need a trial separation. so let's review things at end of july and make our decision then.' and then i'd leave it and see what happens.

but i think you really have to follow through this time, and not back down because he gets upset.

by thinking he isn't able, you're taking the power away from him and treating him even more like a child. stop doing that, and treat him like you would any other adult.

You make a good point about the nagging and the part I play. I am trying to consciously not play that role anymore as I'm sure that is helping continue this situation.

A timescale for change is a good idea.

Are you actually getting anything out of having this lazy parasite in your house? If so, what is it, exactly?

SGB - at the moment I'm not sure. He does help with cooking and cleaning and looking after the dc's so not a complete parasite.
Relate seemed to show that it's his self esteem that's really low and so he has a very small comfort zone. He's been on ad's too to try and boost his energy levels and motivation.
All well and good, but it means I get left to do most things, and certainly organise/decide everything. Tiring as it means you have a part to play even if you're not actually doing the thing iyswim (e.g. having to choose dinner even though he makes it as a simple example)

I do think if we didn't have dc's then we'd not be together. I don't know how to work out if I can still be happy in this relationship if he does change. Signs are there today now that he's making the effort but surely you shouldn't have to threaten to leave to get that?

If I was on my own then I'd not have anyone to resent, and would get a break each week when the dc's went to stay with him for the night. Sad when that's the only way you can see getting a proper break.

It sounds like he uses tears to manipulate you.

This is behaviour mostly (unfairly?) associated with women, and so particularly effective for men prepared to chance it, because a lot of women think that it must be a really big deal if a man is crying.

The thing to remember with criers is that tears aren't a trump card - just because you're the one crying doesn't mean you are the one who is most upset or most deserving of sympathy.

Stop giving in to him when he turns on the waterworks. Just say something like "yes, I'm upset too. This is a very difficult situation, let's hope we can get through it as agreed."

no more ultimatums or timescales, stick to what you've already agreed and expect no less fro him.

Scarlotti you poor girl this must be so utterly exhausting. The trouble with 'troubled' men is they are so very good at making the whole relationship about them and their issues, and they often get worse when they are having therapy (TBH a person in therapy often has to concentrate on him/herself for a while but they should have the decency to fuck off and do it somewhere else IMO).

SGB, you've hit the nail on the head there. I am shattered tbh, and whenever we do talk about things then it's always brought around to what he is/isn't doing and how he's trying to change. I do believe he is trying, although as I pointed out tonight it's only just starting to be a significant change when I've started to talk of us splitting. The 6 years previous had no such impetus

skidoodly - good insight, and will be lodged in my brain now for the next time the tears appear.