Please tell me if it's hopeless...

[Lamazed]

Been together for 4 years, have 2 DCs (2yrs and 8months). Have been going to relate for the last 6 weeks to try to save things.

Basically, there is no intimacy in our relationship (have had sex 3 times since birth of DD last October, all on my initiation. DH has no sexual desire whatsover, never instigates. I feel totally undesirable etc.

I feel as if I have to make a decision - things aren't going to change for him. Intimacy is not a necassary part of his existence - this has always been the case (and probably contributed to the breakdown of previous marriage). No amount of relate sessions are going to change this (by his own admittance in the argument we have been having since yesterday).

The decision is this ...

A) Stay and accept that my children are more important than my own needs and that they deserve to be brought up with both parents (he is a fantastic DH in all other ways, brilliant Dad, my best friend etc

B) Realise that I have the right to have my needs fulfilled and that the only reason that I am staying is that bringing the kids up without DH 'here' is going to be really hard work coupled with the fact that I'm overweight, have really low self esteem etc and ultimately, it's easier to stay in this relationship than to even contemplate starting again.

Is it hopeless?

Right, dump the fucker. He's crossed the line right there - how dare he tell you that you just have to 'put up with it'?
What he is basically saying is that you exist to service him domestically and your needs are unimportant.

I suppose at some point he has picked up some very nasty ideas about sex and women which have left him not just low in libido but suffering from a sexually dysfunctional mindset eg that people who like and want sex are wrong.

You aren't doing anything, he is.

I'm so sorry Lamazed. He can't really expect you to be cellibate for the rest of your life, that is so unreasonable.

TBH I think he wants out of the marriage but wants to leave with the moral high ground, so he is trying to make you into some deranged, demanding sex pest.
I certainly think that trying to 'work on' a relationship with someone who has such contempt for you and your feelings is a very bad idea: let him go and start looking forward to better times ahead.

Could he be gay?

TBH I went nuts tonight - attacked him and allsorts and now he is staying with my mum as he doesn't want to be wth me anymore.

Job done, no?

He's staying with your mum? That sounds a bit strange - do you have a difficult relationship with your mum anyway?

Crazy relationshop with mum - he called her as a means of calling things quit - he wanted out anyway - right?

Yes, it looks like he wanted to end the relationship. And it sounds very much as though you are well out of it. Do you have friends or other family members who you can rely on for support?

SGB - it turns out you were right!

Omg, things changed so quickly.
I think it is nothing wrong with low libido, but this was very wrong:

Poor OP, it seems like he was ahead of you of thinking wether to end the relationship. Now stay away from him, let him either to shift away (if that's what he wants), or learn from his mistake of losing such a nice woman that you are. For now, take care of your self well - support from friends/family, odd glass of wine, fun time with kids, healthy diet (this gives confidence, too) - all together will make you pull through and come out stronger.
P.S. Keep posted how you feel.

I think his behaviour has been incredibly selfish - no wonder you have reached the end of your tether. He has not shown any willingness to compromise at all. For instance, he could have agreed to some counselling/sex therapy. He could have done the decent thing and thought about your needs and just done it every now and then (most men would not consider this to be such a chore...) Women have been doing this for years to keep the peace at home.

He could have agreed that you could consider a different type of relationship. For instance, if I withdrew all intimacy and affection from my partner for whatever reason (a hypothetical situation) I would consider it reasonable for him to seek it elsewhere as I would consider that my behaviour had contributed to this. Not saying this is necessarily right or wrong, just saying that I would not blame him, as I would consider him going elsewhere to be a consequence of my action (or non action).

For what it is worth, I have met a couple (there must be many more) who live together amicably in a flat-mate type situation and who bring up their children together. They could not afford to live separately and they wanted to be there for their children. The sexual/romantic relationship broke down (don't know why) and they both agreed that they would have other relationships. I am pretty sure their relationship was nothing more than friends. Apparently it had taken a long time and been difficult but in the end they had worked out a compromise for themselves and their children. I was impressed with their (particularly his) emotional maturity.

When you say attacked what did you do?