do relationships have to "go somewhere"?

[forestgirl]

So I've been seeing bf for two years. He's funny, lovely to me, great sex, etc. I'm recently divorced...he's also divorced and living alone.

so far, so good. But there is never any talk of the future. No holidays together as they are taken with his kids from a previous marriage. Days away here and there. Always lovely and fun.

He is always available to me. I call, text, IM and he does the same. I don't feel like there are any games being played. I don't want another marriage or even to live with anyone, but I would like a bit more. Every now and again I have an attack of "what the hell am I doing?" But we have such a good time, I don't want to end it. I do feel I'm more in love with him than he is with me, but I know he really loves the time we spend together. And I know he is very happy with the status quo.

My question is: is this wrong? I keep reading about emotionally unavailable men and he never quite fits into that category. But alarm bells always go off. He once said he loves seeing me, but doesn't miss me terribly when we're apart (he does have a very consuming job). He's said he loves me a couple of times, but sometimes when I tell him I love him (not very often I have to admit) he doesn't say it back.

But it's like we're going to be dating forever and we're no spring chickens. Am I short-changing myself? Should I move on and try and find someone who loves me more? So bloody confused because most of the time, he makes me very happy. I'd miss the hell out of him if we split up. Am I just being a stupid bloody woman?!!

Will watch this with interest. In a similiar situation, not exactly, but I am too questioning what I want!

If your happy with the way things are then your not short changing yourself. But your obviously not.

Would you like to see him more?
I would bring up the idea of a holiday with him and see how he reacts. Its not an unreasonable request imo.

I know you say you don't want to live with anyone again, but where do you see yourself in a couple of years time with him and would it be enough?

He may be willing to go on holiday/spend more time with you but you may need to prompt him to do this and see how it goes.

Yes.

To quote the late, great Nuala O'Faolain, 'There is much to be said for simple human companionship.' Okay, very true.

And personally, the day I got over expecting the idea of Big Romance whose primary purpose is the capitalist goal of selling tickets/books/making money is the happiest day of my life.

Because then I realised, that love is respect, not fireworks. That when you have true love, real love, well, an eternal flame lasts longer than a bottle rocket.

HOWEVER, your man, with his words and actions, is showing you anything but that.

He doesn't give a toss if you come or you go.

My husband, oh I'll not forget it.

I told him I had to go 'home', to America, after months of our living together, laughing together, being together. My heart was in my throat, because I didn't want to go.

And he just said, 'Oh, no, I don't want that. I'll marry you, if that's how you can say. I love you.'

So here we are!

And I'm a thistly woman. I'm considered hard.

But I remember seeing a show about two men marrying after 40 years together.

and the one was describing how they'd been friends for years, but he'd been going out with a man about 20 years his senior since he was 17.

And when he got to be 27, the man dumped him, saying he was too old.

The guy was gutted. He went to his friend and told him he was going to kill himself, and he meant it.

And his friend said, quite simply, 'Oh, please don't do that, for I love you so.'

That was in 1966.

They were still together.

OP, you deserve that.

Everyone does.

No they dont have to go somewhere.
it depends what the individuals want.

Your relationship sounds perfect to me.

But I am not you , so you have to decie

It's another of those toxic myths that relationships have to 'go somewhere'. The only time you need to worry about this is if you are female and want babies and are around the 30 mark in which case you might have to consider whether someone you are dating is up for breeding with you or not.
Otherwise a relationship like the one you currently have sounds fabulous - good company, (presumably) good sex and yet you don't have to wash his skiddy pants or put up with his ghastly relatives.

I think he sounds great. Why are you questioning the situation? What is it you want?

You don't have to conform to the "must live together" brigade. If you are happy with it, and he is, then why worry?

You could meet someone who loves you more - if you think such a person exists.

I think your relationship sounds pretty good, and if it suits you both, you aren't being short-changed

I think there is so much damage caused by the "going somewhere" stuff to the extent that people (not you!) sabotage relationships/friendships before they even get off the ground. The endless discussions with friends along the lines of is he too old/too young/too good looking/not good looking enough/a player/dull/doesn't earn enough/may not want children. It goes on ad infinitum to the extent that I now despair of my single friends.

For instance, I want to introduce a single friend to a friendly, unattached, generous, (very) wealthy as it happens male acquaintance. She is so suspicous about the fact that he can be 40+ without being married she has already ractically written the whole thing off before even meeting him! Such a shame because I think they could be good friends, if nothing else, and that is nothing to be sniffed at.

If you are enjoying yourself - enjoy! You could maybe broach the holiday thing with little steps - maybe plan a night or two away together or something like that?

But you can't "make" him necessarily feel exactly the same as you do, even if you wanted to. If it ain't broke don't fix it?

expat, both those stories are really beautiful #sniff#. Sometimes RL romance is better than the movies.

forestgirl - I think you should make a first move on the holiday - say that you would like to go on holiday with him and his DCs (do you have DCs, by the way) and that you would be happy to do the research if he can give you a few leads to get started.

lovely post expat

great posts....thank you. I think most of the time I do just appreciate what we have. Then out of the blue I get a sudden attack of "this isn't good enough...what's it all about" etc.

It's good to hear other people's views on this. It's so hard to get out of the mindset that relationships always have to go somewhere. And the last thing I want is kids!!!!

i think marriage and living together plans don't have to be made, however, plans for holidays and nights out etc should be made in advance x In fact the idea of a man living with me and the kids is not exciting to me at all, I rather the dating and companionship thing!

Op, i think if you read nearly every relationship book, it says, yes it does needs to go somewhere. not particularly yours, now, if its trotting along, that is fine. but fundamentally a realtionship, i think, needs to.

I think a relationship only has to "go somewhere" if you want to live together and have kids.
If you're happy living on your own and don't want kids together then no problem, after all the "somewhere" that many relationships go is "live together +/- marriage, have kids, start to become more focussed on the kids than each other, get bored or stroppy, get divorced."
Considering that staying as you are may be preferable.