Feeling trapped, what to do?

[moominpie]

Sitting sobbing for what seems like the millionth time and don't know what to do. Don't want to carry on like this, but can't see any alternative and that only increases the misery!

Ever since our son came along (and in fact even while I was pregnant) husband has been behaving increasingly like a total arsehole. Seems to have no respect for me, sulks, and veers between being a brilliant father and the kind I'd rather my child not have (swearing, short tempered). Don't get me wrong, he's not physically abusive to us but is so verbally negative it's like having a stroppy teenager about rather than a loving husband and father.

I had a nightmare childhood, cut my parents out nearly 4 years ago to stop the abuse (again, mostly emotional) and because of that I think I'm extra sensitive to his behaviour. It's not abuse, women go through so much worse, but I feel so unloved and feel like I've let my son down by having a totally emotionally unreliable father.

I know he's struggled with fatherhood but he has refused to get help. Won't talk about it. Won't go to counselling. He's an only child and his parents are emotionally backward - where he gets it from - and while I have a fantastic and loving sister she live hundreds of miles away and is much younger than me so I can't put on her.

I work full time, have little time for friends, especially as I don't feel comfortable leaving the little one with his dad for any substantial period, and feel very much on my own with no family support.

A close friend got married a few days ago and her new hubby is a dream. Saw so many happy couples I came away feeling so depressed as it just reinforced how useless mine is.

But I can't leave. We have debt, I can't afford childcare on my own so would have to give up work - it would effectively destroy my life to walk out. No family to support me. But the thought of continuing this dreary existence fills me with dread. Feel like I (and my son) deserve so much more. I feel like I try and try but I can't carry a marriage and family on my own. Want him to grow up and start acting like a man. This is not what I signed up for!

Want to give you a massive hug. I soooo sympathise. Really difficult to give advice, but just know that you are not alone and it is not hopeless. There is always a better way, whether it means fixing it or leaving.

Not sure what you have tried yet or what stage you are at, but have you tried relate yet? If you are beyond this stage, I really recommend you go to your citizens advice bureau as they are brilliant at working out all possible financial and practical options re benefits etc...

Also, just wanted to say that most of the couples you look at and feel envious of are probably all having problems themselves. So many people hide it so well.

Take care, courage and good luck x

Moominpie- Sorry I havent got any sound advice for you, but you sound just like me, I have been with my DH since I was a teenager. Have got 2 DCs. Dh has always been aggressive to an extent, and looking back i've always been a bit scared of him. Since DD1 though, his aggression has gotten even worse. He doesnt hit us, just all verbal and threatening. He can be completely the opposite though, kind, loving and understanding. In my heart I know I should leave him, but am too scared of what will happen if I did. Eg. would he take the kids away, or kick me out. I cannot risk not being with my Dcs. So, I will stay, trapped.
I have no money, friends or family support either so know exactly how you feel. I know it's not advice but you are not alone

honeymunster, that's so sad too! I've been trapped, still kind of am, but i like to think that i'll get out one day... Don't give up, never give up on the chance to be free and happy. No-one should live their life being constantly belittled. Set your goal and work towards it. Don't give up. Please?

Thank you all for kind words. So sad to hear you in far worse situations than me. Why are men so bloody useless? Why is it so difficult for them to use a filter between brain and mouth? I'm constantly asking him not to speak his negative thoughts aloud, what benefit it is to spit out his nasty little comments, but it's like talking to a brick wall. It's like they want to live in misery and drag us down with them...

Very sad for all of you. Moomin, I think I know what you mean by "it's not abuse", but it is. Some people are genuinely sweet-natured, but locked into abusive habits. I have a relative like this - and, ermm, was like it myself for too long.

Scare him. Tell him you can't tolerate your child growing up in the atmosphere he inadvertently creates, you realise it's all bad habits with him, but you're going to ditch him unless he gets counselling.

My relative's kids have, in fact, grown up with very problematic behaviours and now have relationship difficulties. Doesn't matter if he "doesn't mean it", the behaviour is what the child responds to. Kids can't analyse grown-ups.

Sorry, meant to add: the emotional environment in your home does sound bad enough for you to merit help with leaving. Why don't you ring Women's Aid to get some advice about your options?

Is the debt in your name at all? You may be able to get help with childcare through tax credits etc if you did move out, which would mean you could continue working.

I know what you mean, sadly, about feeling you have let your son down by choosing them a crap father Still struggling with this TBH, but since I have left I at least know that most of the time, DS has a good role model and is not constantly being exposed to him.

I am sure you will find a way through this, in the mean time feel free to rant away, we are always here to listen

Littlemiss- Thanks for your kind words. I know there's a lot of women in the same situation, and even more in worse situations. I dont always feel so negative, had been feeling really strong over the last few weeks, and been really standing my ground with DH! Tbh I think I shocked him. I told him that im about ready to walk, and that if he thinks im living the rest of my life like this he is mistaken! I really meant it too, to be fair, DH does seem to be making more of an effort. Its just that part of me feels that its too little too late

Moominpie- I honestly think that they act like this knowing that its hard for us to leave? Ive heard the phrase 'well you know where the door is' on more than one occasion! And I think ' Yes, and one day I'll use it you arsehole!!!'

I really hope that things improve for you soon

moomin, honeymunster, i hear you loud and clear...

Am not talking to dh sh tonight...Why can he not just have a conversation like normal people?

I'm so sick of being shot down, talked over or insulted. I hate to think what it's doing to ds. So, i walked out, took ds for dinner out and left dh to eat alone. I give up, i'll just wait for him to in back to his land at the end of the year, and carry on with my life.

It really upsets me how crap a job i did of picking ds father. He deserves so much better, anything better than the come idle, miserable, angry, moaning thing i now wish i'd never met..

Now he's trying to smooth it over, cos if wants me to do something for him.. I think not.

sorry, he not if... Phone!

Do they not want to be happy or do they just not want us to be happy? Do you know, don't know about you guys but usually I get convinced that i'm to blame for his behaviour! I used to believe it too Then I found myself pussyfooting around, watching how I said things, biting my tongue! Then one day I just thought to myself 'what am I doing? Hes an aresehole because hes an arsehole not because I did anything.' Now I know that its not me, its him. It was a big relief to realise that im not going nuts. Although, sometimes I still wonder!

sorry, he not if... Phone!

grr, i so know what you mean honeymunster! You are me! That happiness thing, i know exactly what you mean! Why does it all have to be so hard? Why do they have to have a flaming problem with everything. I now can't imagine what having a relationship with someone i would actually enjoy being in the same room... To have an interesting conversation with, to laugh, enjoy... I can't think why anyone would have a problem with that... It's not us,it is them, but it's so bloody tiring all the same.

you're not going nuts btw... Most people don't actually put up with this shit...

moomin, just re-read your op, please don't give up, there's happiness for you out there somewhere. Even if it's just life without these abusive men. It's all their hang ups, not ours. Don't be scared, we all of up have to be focussed and determined that 'this' is not it. We're not defeated yet!

do you think there might be something in the fact that you are unwilling to leave your child with his father for a length of time? in that, without the responsability of equal care, he may feel like an appendage rather than a part of the family.

moomin, just re-read your op, please don't give up, there's happiness for you out there somewhere. Even if it's just life without these abusive men. It's all their hang ups, not ours. Don't be scared, we all of up have to be focussed and determined that 'this' is not it. We're not defeated yet!

Custardo: I got the impression that she was scared to leave the child with the horrible man in case the man did something bad to the child.
OP if that's the case then you need to get rid of the H - he is abusive by the sound of it.

fair point custy, but ime it's just that they've never picked up the ball, moaned about it, or behaved in such a way, losing temper, shite comments etc, that means that it's just not a simple matter of just letting them get on with it. Dh is so volatile and unreasonable, he has zero experience in parenting, no interest in it. Doesn't see it as his job etc, beneath him and all that... Why would i leave ds with a virtual stranger!?

sorry about double postings too btw, told you i'm hiding upstairs with edward cullen and my phone... Normal service will be resumed tomorrow ...

That happiness thing you wrote just made me cry a little bit! You are me, 12 months ago. I left last December and have been much happier since. Yes it can be lonely at times and yes it can be hard, but I just feel so free not having to deal with the atmosphere that XP created in the house.

Also just on the leaving him with his Dad point - remember when you first brought the baby home you didn't have any experience in parenting either. If you split up then he will have to see the baby alone. I know it's hard to think about leaving your baby with someone you wouldn't choose, but you have to remember he is his father and unless you think that he would actually be harming him, you have to let him do things his way sometimes.

honeymunster, last night you asked do they not want to be happy. Sorry to be blunt, but who cares? Just leave, you'll never get it right.

My ex was exactly like you all describe, seven years of misery with it just getting worse and worse. I wanted to leave shortly after DD was born as he was just like OP's partner.

My regret is that I didn't as that would have been the best thing I could have done for my daughter. However, I left last year when she was five and the difference is unbelievable.

Have a look at this and see if any of it rings true.

Life is too short to be this miserable.