Help me please... :-(

[boilingover]

Im a regular but trying to be private iykwim.

Dh & I have just rowed big style which ended up in a fight .
Dk's are in bed so they never saw anything and I so hope never heard..

We have been to a christening today, at dh's old "village" with friends we both know and people I don't but dh does.

We both agreed that we would go and come away around 2pm. We ended up leaving around 4pm. Dh agreed to drive yet once there bought me cokes and drink as usual..reasons being us not stopping for long:

dh has a tendancy (everytime we socialise with drink) to get very drunk, not want to come home and usually ends up fighting 9with anyone really who takes hime on)
ALSO dh has worked away regular and has just finished a month (ish) of work away and has only seen me and the dk's for around 2 ish days during the month in total.
In fact he also missed dd's birthday which I have to organise and deal with on the dasy alone.

So, we come away with dd and ds only for dh to aggressivly to me that he'scoming back later, wants me to take him home, sort kids and bring him back . Like im his taxi service. Once in the car he says he's not doing this at all and is coming home.

All way home dh is moaning about wanting to go out, comtinues when home with dh promising to buy me something etc.

I refuse to take him out, tell him I wanted us to spend a night togther, why should I spend yet another night in alone.
He claims im boring and go to bed at 9.30pm YET it was only days ago and even today that he said he has the best wife ever and we get on well etc.

Anyway, dh has spoken to someone who's out. Come downstairs and sat misrable. Im annoyed, so because I don't agree with him going out and won't take him I then get punished with him announcing that he's off to bed at 7.30pm and has a face like a yard of shit.

I admit, I hit him around the face. Only for him to chase me, floor me to the couch, grab me by my neck and get really aggressive.
I know I started it but I go so wound up by him. Its his way or no way iykiwm.

He's calling me, saying im a bad mum and a disgrace of a wife.

Im so tired of this behaviour and the animal he becomes when he has drink. Friends have witnessed his aggressiveness and its an embarassment. I feel I have to apologise for him.
He feel's I won't do any better elsewhere.

I know I can and Im so tempted to prove him wrong...

When he is sober does he recognise that he has a drink related problem?

Oh dear that sounds dreadful. I'm sure someone will give some practical support and advice.

Can you talk to his/your GP to get some help?

Well you can't carry on this way. It sounds dreadful. Mt DH is also a drinker and doesn't know when to stop sometimes, it's a fucking pain.

I won't condone hitting him but must admit I went for my DH once when he was being absolutely vile to me, so I won't completely judge you on that. But violence and aggression is awful. Does he admit he has an alcohol problem? Until/unless he does he won't have any motivation to change

I read this thread again and apologies if it doesn't make sense..I was typing it with dh hanging about iykwim.

He has just left the home, saying he was going for some food. I know he's off out. He's just text to say home around 10.30..then next said 11..I know it won't be until 3 onwards tomorrow morning...........

I have told him don't come home.

Well, he knows Im worried about his drink and he does say he is aware he drinks more than others but classes himself as a binge drinker thus not a problem. He classes an alcoholic as someone who brushes teeth with vodka and pours it on their cereal.

I have in the past spoken to AA and found out metting times, my mum has offered to come with me for support as dh wouldn';t go.I never went as it always ended up dh sweet talking me the next day, i was wrong blah de dah.

He doesn't go out every week or even every month now BUT does drink every night. 2-10 drinks easily.

I just worry as the last 4 occasions of dh going out and drinking its resulted in:
1.Fight with his best mate
2.Argument with his dad and brother
3.Fight on a stag do
4.Very drunk at wedding, offeding others badly,swearing and looking a ejit basically and ended up in a 5.30am bed time following a trouser press being thrown at him.I kid you not. and NOT by me.

eric,I agree I hate fighting and dh just text to say he';s never seen me like that for years...........maybe thats an indicator as to how sad and down I am about him.

Also,I spoke to his gp about a year ago about his drinking. He saw his gp who gave ad's. He's also seen a private gp who has again given ad's. Dh won't take them.

well he is alcohol dependent and it makes him violent.

I hate saying this but I think it's ultimatum time he either sorts out his drinking or it's over.

I am so for you

Sounds like it's unsalvageable to me. As well as alcohol probs, he clearly has no respect or regard for you....... Or his kids. Sorry

I totally agree....

He is home now and treating it all as a joke.
Saying I have physically attacked him and he should call the police. Have told him "go right on and report me" Im angry at him. Im embarassed with him. I seem to be making excuses for him.

He's just said, im so much in my little bubble of life that I have never noticed when he's happy. I have told him tbh he seems to be living so much of a lie that I have no idea. He only seems happy when drinking.sad

He has just said to me that once our holiday this year is over with then he doesn't care wwith what happens with his life. Also he often says that he wishes himself dead.

Saddens me really. Often tell him that I so wished I knew all this before we married and had kids. Do I want this for the rest of my life or do I want to go on knowing that my dh could end it all before the dk's are much older. Do I wish to be a widow so young..?

Ilovetiffany, you are so right .

I'm so sorry to read this. I've not been in this situation but know people who have and they have been so much better out of the situation when the alcoholic partner is unwilling to change. Hope you can get some more useful advice from someone else.

thankyou twolittle...

I so wish I could walk away but it scares me esp having 2 dk's. I don't want to be the one to split with their daddy...
They idolise him and really don't know what goes on (I don't want them to either..to young..)

I guess they will understand one day.

His personality problems are there whether he's drunk or not, the drink just makes it easier for him to behave this way.

You don't want this for the rest of your life. I bet there are other problems, having lived with a drinker myself. Does he do any of the following:

Cause a row so he can go out and drink
COme home and make a mess trying to eat
Spend money you don't have
Steal money you put aside for other things to go out and drink
Urinate sleep-walk
Vomit on furniture
Make a mess of the loo
Have a crappy hangover and not help around the house/go to work
Get snappy with you or kids when hungover
Manipulate you into thinking you are being unreasonable for not wanting him to go out
Keep you awake at night by being late in or coming home in such a state you have to stay awake or can't get back to sleep.

If yes then he's taking the piss and having been there myself he is probably making your life a misery.

It's ultimatum time. Either he gives up the drink or you leave. You only get one life, don't live it for someone else.

Really what is in this relationship for you and the dc? He is just slowly dragging you down with him

Have you got a couple of friends in RL that you could open up to, what happens if next time he really really hurts you?

cargirl,yes I have text one friend who's dh has also gone out. She is in similar boat to me.
I have also had one of my friends ring and her dh text to say he's contacted him and to make sure im ok. Saying they support me as well which is helpful .

hanbanan:
Cause a row so he can go out and drink yes
COme home and make a mess trying to eatyes
Spend money you don't haveyes
Steal money you put aside for other things to go out and drinkno (im a sahm so its his earnings iykiwm
Urinate sleep-walkno
Vomit on furnitureno
Make a mess of the looyes
Have a crappy hangover and not help around the house/go to workyesno has missed work odd occasion BUT is usually v helpful next day and very apologetic
Get snappy with you or kids when hungoversometimes
Manipulate you into thinking you are being unreasonable for not wanting him to go out YES
Keep you awake at night by being late in or coming home in such a state you have to stay awake or can't get back to sleep.yes

hmm...houston we have a problem..

please start making plans to go your seperate ways it's no life for you and your dc.

thanks cargirl.
Not really said much to him this morning,im still very upset about it.

BUT I have been thinking of nothing but plans to move on... no idea where to start esp as im a sahm so no income etc...

. That List? That was me living with my alcoholic ex h, for 8 years! every single week, I had a nervous break down in the end.

Not now though, finally managed to separate from him. He didn't go quietly though, ended up attacking me in a similar way you describe OP (not actually punching so didn't count, to him anyway). Ended up calling the police and he was found guilty of Criminal Damage and had a massive fine to pay.

Now he is gutted that he doesn't get to live with his dc but he was warned hundreds of times.

Has your dh always been like this? because personally I do not believe that alcoholics of this type can stop, mainly because they don't see "enjoying a few drinks" as being a problem, they cannot accept that it is ruining lives. They will always, always put the drink first and the only thing to do is step back and let them or they will take you and your children with them.

I told ex h if he stopped drinking he could come back. He doesn't like to have that discussion though as he knows he will never stop drinking and I know too.

We get on ok now, but I know he is still drinking. He is what I would describe as a functioning alcoholic, manages to hold down a good job etc but add the demands of family and kids into the mix and everything implodes.

After 8 years my advice to you is get out, this will never change.

I am SAHM also and have a SN child. I am on benefits, it is not the greatest but it is not the worst either, you will manage, if you don't have a drink or shopping habit you can manage ok .

First of all you will get Child Tax Credits, possibly income support depending on other income, Housing and Council Tax Benefit. Ask me any specific questions you need to as this was me a year or two ago.

Drink problems come in many forms. Binge drinking is one of them. Binge drinking followed by aggressive and violent behaviour is most definitely a problem.

I wish I could sugar-coat this for you but there's no point. The facts of the matter are these:

1. He knows that when he starts drinking he can't reliably control how much he drinks.
2. He knows that when he drinks too much, he behaves appallingly.
3. He knows that his appalling, abusive drunken behaviour is making his wife deeply unhappy and wrecking his marriage.
4. He knows all that, but none of it is as important to him as drinking.

His definition of how a "real" alcoholic behaves is bollocks. You'll find that an awful lot of people with unacknowledged but nonetheless serious drink problems will say that however bad their drinking is, it's not as bad as someone else's and therefore it's ok.

It's not ok. Living with an abusive alcoholic is horrible. And, as much as you hope that your children aren't aware of what's going on, I bet that they have heard the arguments. But as it's a family secret that no-one ever talks about, the elephant in the sitting room that everyone ignores, they don't know what to do with the feelings those arguments evoke in them. That's not good for them.

You mentioned AA earlier; AA is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. Give them a call. If you can, maybe go to a few meetings. There is also a very good book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie that describes how being in a relationship with an alcoholic can cause you to lose sight of what's "normal" and how to get that back. Are there any RL friends or family you could tell the truth to? I also had some counselling (arranged through my GP) after I split from my ex and that made a big, big difference to me. I'd recommend it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's not willing to change because, from his point of view, what's the problem? He gets to get pissed and treat people like crap but it's ok because all he has to do is endure a bit of the silent treatment from you, mutter a few half-hearted apologies and it's all swept under the carpet again. Therefore if you want to see change in your life, you have to be the one to make that change happen.

I've been where you are and I know that it sucks the very life out of you. The constant feeling of walking on eggshells, not wanting to disturb the fragile peace in between drunken outbursts. It's the classic Cycle of Abuse. It's like being on a rollercoaster - sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, sometimes it's horribly scary. But you have to be the one to decide whether you want to stay on that rollercoaster with him, or to get off and do something more fun with your life. And, believe me, there are immensely more fun things you can be doing with your life than wasting it trying to bring up children while in a chaotic, drama-filled relationship with an alcoholic.

You need to get rid of him, he won't change until he feels the need to do so, and it's possible that he may never give up drinking.
But this is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. You need to concentrate on yourself and your DC which means getting this violent drunk out of the house. Your friends and family will all rally round, they are all aware of the problem (given that he gets pissed and abuses them too), no one will blame you.

You've been given some excellent advice here, just wanted to tag on and say that I'm so sorry this is all happening to you and I really hope you start to make plans to get rid of him.

My ex was an abusive binge drinker (shouting at me in public, humiliating me, being nasty etc) and this went on for 3 years, and it completely and utterly wore me down. He would get off his face at every opportunity (probably 3-5 times a week). I know just how you feel. Thing is, if your dh won't admit he has a problem or respect how much it is affecting you and the kids, the only thing to do is say goodbye. As SolidGoldBrass said, everybody will support your decision and you will be much better off away from him (as for financially, as well as benefits he will also have to pay child suport). Nothing can replace that feeling of relief when you don't have to deal with someone like this anymore.

I sincerely wish you all the best. You can't make him change- only he can, and its sadly very obvious that he doesn't want to.