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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Felt great about DH leaving now all tearful again...argh!!

6 replies

SpiritualKnot · 06/06/2010 19:15

Was doing really well. He left in March, then confessed there was an OW and we're getting divorced. Posted on here a lot about it. Was feeling really ok about it all 7 weeks after he'd left, after 6 weeks of crying and being so upset. Suddenly decided wouldn't have him back and that he didn't think he'd done anything wrong and so would never show remorse. Once I accepted that I felt really good. Went back to work and felt was coping well.

Then at the end of May I went on holiday with my 10 yr old DD on a cruise, planned and paid for last year, probably wouldn't have gone otherwise. Now I've been back 3 days and I feel almost back to square one. Had a nice holiday, but was very aware of a large number of honeymoon couples and people celebrating 50 year anniversaries of their happy marriages and started to feel sad again.

He's stopped calling round as much as he's moved to work in another town. When he does come round he's all sober, nice and gorgeous looking. Ofcourse he has to drive here so he will be sober. Not the drunken, face bloated, flushed, bleary eyed, emotionally abusive guy I had to put up with for the last year or so.

He hardly rings my daughter now, it was her birthday on the day of our return,he'd left her lots of pressies but had changed his shift so was working on that day, instead of being off, so could only pop by to see her for 5 minutes, which I thought was bad. He's since popped by just once more to see her for 15 minutes.

I've started being quite short with him on the phone when he rings to speak to DD. I keep imagining him with this OW all the time and hoping he's getting pissed around her and being horrible to her like he was to me.

Don't know what's gone wrong with me, I don't want him back, but liked seeing him and chatting to him. Now he just seems to have moved on totally and wants to forget my DD and DS as well as me, though I'm sure he would deny this. Spoke with him today and said that I'd thought he'd want DD to stay with him for a night next week, turns out he'd asked her and she'd declined as she doesn't like staying at his flat, prefers our home.

Is it normal to suddenly feel like this after doing alright for a while? Really worried as am back at work tomorrow and don't want to get upset. Got another holiday pre-booked for October and have just emailed the company asking what it would cost to cancel as don't want to go through this again.

SK

OP posts:
mumof4sons · 06/06/2010 20:43

I know exactly where your coming from. My H left me in April for OW. I have shed lots of tears, gotten very angry and now have come to terms with starting my new life with my DCs, but this weekend when he had the DCs I felt so lonely and really wanted my old life back before OW. I have been quite tearful all weekend. I don't want him back, but I don't want him gone either.

So YES it must be quite normal to feel like this. I do.

bibbitybobbityhat · 06/06/2010 20:49

Oh no, it all sounds horrible. All my sympathies.

I am sure it is absolutely normal to feel every range of emotions you could possibly imagine through splitting up/divorce.

If you really feel he is already drifting away from dd then you need to pull him up on this. Perhaps being pro-active about that will give you something to focus on.

Don't forget that he was "drunken, face bloated, flushed, bleary eyed, emotionally abusive". You don't want him back, SK, you really don't.

SpiritualKnot · 06/06/2010 21:31

Thanks for the replies. Just got back in (9.20pm) with dd, took her friend home. H rings between 9pm and 9.30pm, to say goodnight to her. Phone recently broke so now using one without an answer machine. Just checked by ringing 1471 and he phoned at 9pm.

The other night same thing happened and I waited to see if he would try again a bit later and he didn't. Don't know whether to ring him now for him to speak to her or to wait and see if he rings again. I don't think he will. It's like that was her chance to speak to him and she's blown it.

Should it always be me trying to hold things together or should I just let him screw things up? Daughter doesn't seem bothered and is just getting ready for bed.

When we were on holiday abroad, he phoned her and then spoke with me saying this was costing him a lot of money to phone and if it was over £100, would I knock it off the solcitors fees that we're dividing up? I reminded him that this was his daughter.

Nearly 9.30pm now and he still hasn't tried to ring again. Probably thinks his first attempt to phone counts as a contact so feels good about it.

SK

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 06/06/2010 21:46

Otoh, he may just think it would be wrong to ring later because she should be in bed?

bibbitybobbityhat · 06/06/2010 21:47

If you want her to speak to him, could she phone him?

SpiritualKnot · 06/06/2010 23:11

Dd fell over in the shower and was upset, so I phoned for him to talk with him afterall. He reassured her and she was happy afterwards.

I spoke with him and he said he wasn't withdrawing, but then agreed that maybe he was because he hadn't seen her for a while. (He withdrew big time from our son when son was 2 years old and H worked away for a month and so he knows he can be like that).

He'll hopefully get back on track....

Feel a bit better now.

SK

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