Can someone help me with this letter to H <long>

[PhoenixReborn]

Hi

I used to be ColonelCupcake I am 24 with two ds's aged 3 & 2 I have been living in purgatory and am trying to make the split with my H I find it hard to talk to him so have started writing it down, can you please read and let me know if its ok and what I need to change or if there is anything I have forgotten. I am scared I don't know how I will be able to cope.

Dear H

We cannot keep living like this, I hate it. I don't want to be the one to do this but feel I must if we are to move forward. There is nothing between us or keeping us together except the boys it is not healthy for them to grow up and see our relationship as it is to be normal with no love between the two of us.

Watching your friends couples the other day I felt pain for the memory that we used to be like that albeit many what feels like years ago, we are living a lie and it needs to get sorted, in my opinion you deserve to be with someone who will treat you right and give you the close contact that you need and deserve.

You dislike my disregard for the house as you see it, I disagree to a point I fully admit that housework is not something I particularly enjoy spending time doing especially when I view my time as free although you seem to belittle what I do with the boys as well as not work, it is work but not money earning work, I save you money that you would have to spend on a full time nanny although if I employed me as a cleaner I would have probably had words. In my opinion working at the buisness would be an easy day compared to the boys day in day out, the only days off I get are from MIL, when I so selfishly go to tkd on a Saturday instead of being allowed to enjoy it I get threatened by you that you will stop being available if I do not conform to certain conditions.

This is not a relationship I wish to continue or even try to fix, I simply don't love you anymore and in all honestly don't know where I would start to find it again, you treat me like a servant or a child, removing my access to the safe angered me because of the controlling behaviour. Telling DS1 to tell me where the bin is belittled me and in all honestly broke our relationship fully, You are emotionally aggressive and threatening you try to control me, all our plans when you are around revolve around you when you decide to wake up and what you want to do.

With regards to the thing with OW, I don't know if she mentioned it but although she denied anything happening something I don't fully believe, I told her that if you made each other happy to continue and I had no plans to mention it to OW DH, our relationship was almost over long before that anyway in my eyes, I don't understand why she left the buisness and felt guilty that I could have provoked it as I wanted you to be happy.

I will no more be your servant I do not exist to make you happy or to run around doing things for you, I will make a certain effort to keep the house in a pleasant order but I will not do it for you simply to make a pleasant home for the boys

Boys; I have no intention of keeping the boys away from you or preventing you from being with them assuming it does not affect school or social events in the future, I ask that you come up with a mutually agreeable plan to when you can have them, you are their dad and they need you in their lives.

I also have no intention of allowing you to try and push me out of the house I am the boys primary carer and until they attend full time school they will still need to be fully provided for by you, therefore your threats of taking away my key and telling me to fuck off is not going to happen, therefore a couple of possible solutions spring to my mind; 1. You find a place and leave, 2. We sell the house and both find separate places I know the mortgage left to pay is somewhere in the £300000 mark so that would be removed from the total sale price the property would be a three bed roomed property with a small garden ideally 3. You finish the extension and the boys move in there and I will take their room for the time being. 4. You stay in the house and provide the mortgage and other payments for a house for the boys and I. I believe 3. to be the best short term solution until either 1 or 2 is decided upon.

Whilst I will always be connected to you through the boys this cannot continue

You say I don't talk that is because I never can find the words and it all comes out wrong so I hope this letter will let you know how I feel and help us move onwards

Very impressed if you got to the end, can anyone help me with it or just provide the moral support to do it

Previous topic

Do it. It makes for sad reading but things do and will change and get better.

Have not read previous topic at all sorry.

Give him the letter and ask for a reply.

and this was the other one we have not really spoken since this one just living in a wierd purgatory that makes me dread whenever he is around

Is there any better time to do it, do I sit him down and give it to him and make him read it and respond then and there give it to him and sod off out so he can think about it and respond rationally?

What an awful situation for you. You are brave to be doing anything.

I've got two comments about your letter

1. it's very long, and quite hard to read. Do you think you could shorten it a bit? I know you want to tell him why the relationshiop is over, but this letter also is very important to tell him what arrangements you want to make and he might not get that far. Maybe split it into two letters - one about why the relationship is dead, one about what to do next?
2. MUCH more importantly, you leave it up to him to decide what to do and how to proceed both with the boys and the house. I think you should make a decision here, or offer him a choice of just two options for both this and the house. No doubt he will reject these and come up with a third but you are leaving him too much room to manoevre and do nothing. So something concrete for the boys 'I propose the boys come to you every other weekend Friday to Monday and one night during the week' or whatever. And for the house 'I would like to sell the house and split the proceeds but in the short term I propose you finish the extension and the boys move in there'

You have seen a solicitor haven't you?

I agree it's too long, and in places I couldn't follow what you're saying.

This sentence is way too long:

"You dislike my disregard for the house as you see it, I disagree to a point I fully admit that housework is not something I particularly enjoy spending time doing especially when I view my time as free although you seem to belittle what I do with the boys as well as not work, it is work but not money earning work, I save you money that you would have to spend on a full time nanny although if I employed me as a cleaner I would have probably had words"

Couldn't it be summed up as follows:

I feel that you belittle the work I do in looking after the boys. I do not feel valued by you, although I believe that I make a valuable contribution to the household.

Also this doesn't make sense:

"I felt pain for the memory that we used to be like that albeit many what feels like years ago"

Do you mean, "It feels like years since we were happy like that. The memory of it is painful now."

I agree you need to be clearer and more assertive with regard to what the options are.

Good luck with everything! Sounds like you are defintely doing the right thing.

Hi

Thank you both for replying, I have seen a Solicitor and that is what has given me the courage to go for it as he was threatning turfing me out on my own with nothing and keeping the boys.

I will definately edit it as you have mentioned and shorten it into two

Thanks again

DOn't bother with this letter. It will not achieve anything. He will not suddenly understand that he is hurting you. He KNOWS he is making you unhappy and he DOESN'T CARE.
This man is a complete shit who thinks you are his property/a servant. Just find out your rights and start divorce proceedings - you might find WOmen's Aid helpful too, as he ticks quite a few abuser boxes.

Best of luck, you can get away and though you will have to have some contact with him re the DC you can keep it to a minimum and not worry about his arsehole opinions of you any ,onger.

agree with SGB - the only point is to say "our relationship is over" he knows that so do you.

explanations do nothing... if it is over it is over.

but yes do write a letter stating

1. the relationship is over. state: "I simply don't love you anymore " I would like to proceed / to move forward from today with the highest regard for the best interest of the boys' relationship with both parents.

1. financial situation - give the preferred solution for the house

1. boys contact schedule - you propose as was said above as example- i propose you have the boys every other weekend plus xx evenings a week til xx time.

keep it short,to the point, no emotions. save those for your counsellor...

you are no longer a couple with feelings negative or otherwise for each other - it doesnt matter any more how he did or didint treat you. you both have to move on...going into why why why helps no one.

it is now a civil businesslike arrangement for the best interest of the boys...

Your letter is incredibly moving. I admire your clarity of emotion.

However, I agree with the above. If your H were capable of being moved by your feelings, you wouldn't be in this position. Keep your beautiful letter for yourself, and use it to bolster you if you ever feel weak about the breakup.

Please do ring Women's Aid for a talk through your option. You might also find a visit to the CAB useful. Take control of the breakup, and your family's future without him.

Good luck. x

SGB thank you, you are completly right but I am scared if I start proceedings without warning as it were he would blow up so I wanted to get it all in the open of how I am feeling and why I am doing it.

The letter is more a way of me to come to terms with and trust that I am doing the right thing, something to hold onto when I am feeling so alone and would do anything to just be held.

cestlavielife you are very right in that the explanations will not help and emotions should not be involved which is in part why I wanted to choose the letter route as I would get emotional trying to get my point accross which wouldn't help but I know we need to be civil for the boys

I am not writing this to suddenly expect him to change, he won't and I don't want to live in this hell anymore it is catharitic to put it out and try and force him to understand but I know he won't care

Thank you all I will rewrite a plain and simple to the point letter to him and keep this for when I need to stop myself feeling awful about it all

if you think this man is going to be violent contact Women's Aid, they will be able to support you. DOn't worry about hurting his feelings - he has shown no consideration for yours.

I think your plan of doing two letters - a short, business-like one for him and a different, feelings-based on for you - is perfect. Your feelings about the relationship, what has gone wrong and why... they're important but they're important to and for you.

No matter how eloquently you put it or how much evidence there is on your side, you won't persuade him that your interpretation of events is the right one. He will have his own interpretation and that's up to him. Let it go.

I wrote a letter similar to this 2-3 weeks before Easter. The only response I had was "I got your letter" and "where are you taking the kids on holiday?".
There is no OW in my story ( that I know of) I've just had enough and I do not love or like him or want him around me.
He is refusing to move out, follows me around saying "I love you...OK?" and trying to touch me...
Good luck with this, I'm in tears as I write this because what SGB wrote about knowing you are unhappy and they really don't give a shit really struck a chord.

My experience also goes against the letter method of communication. I wrote a long and impassioned letter after my H's affair came to light explaining how I felt etc and saying I loved him. Like fluxy, the only response I got was 'I read your letter'. I still don't know what he thought about it.

But it did help me to write it all down, so suggest you write the letter but don't bother giving it to him.

But there's already been warnings, haven't there, Phoenix, otherwise there wouldn't be that reference to him taking your key and off you fuck.

I agree entirely with SGB.

And you do definitely have to do something. good luck, and keep talking to us.

" I am scared if I start proceedings without warning as it were he would blow up"

i know exactly how you feel - but if you scared of him blowing up you need to remember to take safety precautions (speak to womens aid for advice)

but remember - his feelings/reaction are HIS problem not yours... you cannot not sort out your life and the dcs because of fear of what he might do. that has controlled you all along...

similarly - your feelings are your problem and he doesnt give a toss - so writing them down for you/ talking to freinds/therapist/counsellor is great .

but with him - stick to cool facts.