Got To Talk About This

[MarriedToAnArse]

I am not a troll but I can't give all the details of what I am about to reveal as they are so specific that I would out myself immediately.

I have been married to an alcoholic for the past ten years. I have tried to work at my relationship for the sake of my children but have reached the point where I have realised 1) it isn't me that needs to work at the marriage, 2) my DH has no intention of doing so as he is an ostrich, 3) I don't love him anymore, 4) life is far too short.

A while back I had every intention of ending my marriage but there are complications which mean this cannot happen for the next year or so (can't go into that because of possible outing). However I have no doubt my marriage is over now and have made this clear to my DH. FWIW, we co-exist reasonably amicably and so whilst it is not brilliant for the kids, I don't think it is harming them emotionally or anything as we are both getting on with it and the children have a stable home environment (which I know sounds impossible given their Dad is a drinker but I ensure that a minimal effect on their lives, though undoubtedly it cannot not effect them at all).

The main issue I have is non of the above, but that I want to have a relationship with another man. Neither of us knows how it will pan out but it is someone I have known onger than my DH and who I have an emotional history with (again, can't go into that for outing reasons).

I don't want to crap all over my marriage vows but equally I don't want to put my life on hold either. It is all very complicated and I can't be specific about details but hope you can take what is written at face value.

Any advice is welcome!

What a mess! You poor thing.

I know you say you can't get divorced yet, but I think you should try re-thinking this.
Basically continuing to enable him isn't good for any of you.

Your husband won't be happy about you having a relationship with another man, which will make everything worse I'd have thought.

And kids know more than you realise, sorry.

I don't think going straight from a long-term dysfunctional relationship into another is good for you anyway, even if you weren't still actually with your husband.
Need to be yourself for a bit. 'Your life' is not just about your relation to men.

I agree with everything you have said, particularly about the children. I do think this is having an effect on them but it is my job to protect them as much as possible and they are my priority. Really they are.

If I had to say how I think things could pan out with the OM, I would say we could move to him being a friend with benefits but I would need to be on my own when my marriage does end because I have the kids to think of anyway.

I am torn between wanting to move on but knowing it isn't right to be intimate with another man when I am still married, regardless of my DHs problems.

Oh what a pain it is to have morals...

Co-existing "amicably" for the sake of the children for another year will not do these children any favours at all, let alone yourself. They are picking up on all of this at home and learning from you both. It is doing these children no favours at all to be seeing a drunkard parent in their lives; they could go on to become super responsible themselves and choose an alcoholic for a partner. Not a legacy you would want to leave them.

Embarking on a relationship with another man whilst you are still with your H is a complete non starter and could well leave you in a worse mess than you are now. What is wrong with actually ending this sham of a marriage now?.

You still feel responsible for your H?. Many women who are married to alcoholics often are and also act as their enabler. He's the one who crapped all over your marriage vows.

Both you and your current H are being very selfish here. He is selfish anyway because his primary relationship has always been with alcohol and you are as well because you now want a relationship with another man with whom you have some emotional history?. FGS woman!. You seem also more concerned about possbily outing yourself.

If you want another relationship then finish this one completely first and be on your own with your children for at least 12 months thereafter. You do not need extra complications like another man in it now.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons.

I feel sorry for your children first and foremost; they are being caught up in their parents sham of a marriage and no matter how much you try and protect them you cannot shield them fully from the awful realities of their parents battleground of a marriage.

Well the thing is Attila, even when we do separate, they will still have a drunkard parent in their lives as their father will always be their father. And, I am concerned about outing myself, not MN outing myself but outing myself IRL.

Like I said in my OP, there are reasons why I can't end the marriage now. Those reasons are valid and not just excuses/enabling DH. If only life was black and white!

Yes that is true but you can minimise his influence on them by having him not as a part of their daily lives. You're just enabling him; I only hope you do nothing for him in terms of household chores.

You again mention the outing of yourself yet again. Why are you so afraid?. Who in your real life knows you are on here?. Your friends and family are probably all too painfully aware of your real life situation.

Your reasons, whatever they are, for not ending the marriage now, are not good enough.
Life is certainly not black and white but you cannot escape the fact that remaining in a dead marriage is not going to help either you or the children any. Your children are not certainly going to thank you longer term for sticking it out yet another year; they wcould well go onto wonder why on earth you did not leave him years ago.

I mentioned the outing because you mentioned the outing, LOL

I don't want to out myself. Family and friends are probably aware of my marriage issues, you are right, but I don't want all and sundry knowing about potential OM until I have worked all this stuff out (or not and never as the case maybe).

The reasons for not ending my marriage are what they are, valid reasons. Like I said, I was all set to call time on the marriage but then 'the situation' became apparant and it is not possible and I have spoken to a Solicitor about it all and I know what is possible and when. I wish I could just explain it all as being cryptic doesn't come naturally to me but I can't, i'm sorry.

I do appreciate you not holding back by the way. I am off out with my Dad now so if you reply and I don't then I haven't done a moonlight flit and will be back later.

Thank you for listening/advice/opinions

OK, you've got yourself into a bind, emotionally speaking, and your alkie H + external reasons are keeping you in it.

First: Do these external factors prevent you from starting a divorce? This might help you psychologically, in terms of feeling that you're taking control of your situation. I suspect that half your problem is your sense of entrapment so, if you can begin proceedings, you'll be able to see that the door is unlocked as it were.

Next: Is it feasible for you & H to live separately, although married? You can still go to public appearances together, or whatever it is you're worried about.

Third: As OM is a good and long-standing friend, he will wait a year for you. Enjoy your times together for what they are, secure in the knowledge that things are moving forward.

I second those who say the DCs will be aware that something's up, and possibly confused by Daddy's changing moods (dependent on how much contact they have with him). You didn't say how old they are but it's generally better to tell them about Dad's drinking and that it is HIS problem: very sad for you all, but not in any way provoked by them. Al-Anon can advise you on this; they also issue age-appropriate booklets to help.

I'd be forgetting all about potential other man tbh (I hope to god he is not attached in any way either or is post divorced) and concentrate instead on rebuilding your own life as well as that of your childrens' post divorcing your H. All this will take time, the last thing you need now is yet another relationship to muddy the waters further.

I hope your solicitor can assist and asap. I do hope "the situation" as you call it is not another term for the "other man".

No-one benefits from being in an abusive marriage. Staying in a marriage also for "the sake of the children" is never a good idea. Children would rather have two parents apart and happier than be a part of a household where their parents are at war with each other and where there is always an undercurrent of fear and loathing towards the other person. As said before the two of you are imparting damaging lessons to these children. No two ways about it, you are. You kid yourself if you think its not harming them very much emotionally; denial is a powerful force here.

There is never really any justification for remaining in a bad marriage is there?. Your children certainly won't thank you for remaining with their drunkard dad for yet another year. That particular decision could well backfire on you badly, not just now but in many years to come when they are old enough to understand exactly what their childhoods were like. They could well wonder why you put him (your H) before them and that's how they could well see all this subsequently and blame you in the process.

I agree with Attila. It is far too early to be thinking about anything with a new man.

But - let me ask you this - how far along are things with the new man? Is it simply a fantasy, or has something already happened between you (recently - not talking about the distant past)? Is the new man the motivator for finally taking steps to leave your marriage?

Leaving a marriage - even a bad one - is a huge change - emotionally, physically, financially, etc. You need time to make those adjustments. You will also need some time to independently think about what you want and need in the future. And you must be supportive and physically/emotionally available for your dc as they make the transition in (hopefully) an emotionally healthy way.

You cannot do any of those things well (if at all) if distracted by a new man/new relationship. Get your 'house' in order, and support the children in the way they need. THEN you can contemplate a new relationship/new man.

But you should finish the business of your marriage properly before you jump into anything else. You have responsibilities to your children, and you owe it to them. Your children need you to think about what is best for them, as obviously your dh is incapable.

Yes, their father may be the cause of the problem. But you contributed to the situation too - even if only in a passive way, or a 'managing his problem' way. You chose him, you chose to have children with him, and you chose to stay for as long as you have. As far as possible, you must not make your children pay for those choices.

No question, you are entitled to some happiness in your own life. I'm sure your situation has been incredibly difficult. But resolve the old situation fully before you start anything new.

I think you have 2 issues and you have to separate them.

Wait for the other man and don't see him at all until you are divorced.

Or divorce now and wait a bit before seeing the other man.

Children are not daft and I am sure they know everything isn't right.

Atilla, the OM is not attached and has no dependants and 'the situation' is not him but, as I said, valid and complicated reasons why I cannot end my marriage now. Furthermore, I am not staying in the marriage for the children.

Grace, what you have said has given me food for thought for managing this interim period between now and my marriage officially ending, thank you.

Earlybird, nothing has happened between me and the OM for over 13 years that has gone beyond talking. It isn't a fantasy as such either, though of course whether things could ever work out for us in realistic terms cannot be gaurunteed either.

He sounds like a good friend; perhaps it is best to keep him as one rather than muddying the waters further by wanting to have a relationship with him.

At least he is not the "situation" you refer to thankfully. It still won't do you or the children any favours regardless of a situation that has caused you to put things on ice for the next year or so. No situation is that complicated surely?.

Can he not just move out of the marital home?.

Unfortunately not as we can't afford to run two homes.

Won't you have to be running two homes once you've split?

Of course.

I should have rephrased that as unfortunately not as at the moment we can't afford to run two homes.