Cant see the wood for the trees

[CoronaAndLime]

Hi,

Dont really know where to start as it all seems such a mess and I cant pick out which one thing is causing the problems.

I am married and have a Ds(from a prev relationship) a Dd and am 32wks pg.

A few months after I had Dd (now 2.4) I was diadnosed with pnd and took anti-d's right up untill I discovered I was pg.

I think I was deppressed whilst pg and it just got worse and worse.

I came off the anti-ds and was doing really well for a while, but now feel worse than ever.

I have mannic pannick attacks where I cant calm down (even when my Dc are about and I can see how it is scaring them) and want to die.
Dh has had to call 999 a few times because I was trying to jump out of a window, take pills and have come close to cutting my wrists.

I feel so ashamed that I could put them through this and when I'm out of the pannic attack I can hardly beleive what I had just done.

The thing is, it's 9 times out of 10 the same thing that sets me off.
My Dh drinking. He drinks too much (not just me that thinks so, his family all say he should stop) and there has been a few times where he has been abusive whilst drunk.

He says he wont drink for the next couple of weeks as he can see how its affecting me.
He has said this before and gone back on it saying that I am a controlling him and he shouldnt have to 'pander' to me.

I've never had a problem with previous partners going out or drinking and know I'm not a controlling person at all.

Anyway sorry for long post I just feel really confused and dont know what to do.
I've been to my gp and he gave me some diazepam(sp?) to take when I get really bad, I dont like to take it because I'm pg, but somtimes not taking it is too risky.

Hi there
sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.
I think you are suffering with anxiety symptoms because of
1/your dh has been abusive while drinking and you are anxious it will happen again and you or dcs will be in danger[perfectly sensible response to a problem that is not your fault]
2/you have 2 dcs to care for and worry for
3/you are pg and that heightens our awareness of danger due to our instinct to be safe etc
4/it could be an element of Post traumatic stress depending on what happened before

I think your dh should stop drinking,and if he does drink he is out and you tell him and his family so in advance.

You may need to enlist a friend or relatives help to tide you over emotionally or practically for a while

You aren't going mad,it's just anxiety and not your fault

What outofmysystem said. It's good that his family recognise the drink problem. He won't be able to convince himself you're "overreacting" (oh, what atrocities that word covers!) - and they're likely to support you, even if only a bit whilst you're pregnant.

As your doc gave you the valium, I assume you've spoken to him about your anxiety? It strikes me as a bit crap he hasn't referred you for specialist help, unless you've not mentioned the self-harming. You could refer yourself to the MH team, the doctor's reception will have the details or they're in the phone book. Since your DCs have been present at your crises and you're at risk, you should qualify as a priority. Once you get on their case list, they're fantastic. Recommended

Are you a bit prone to blaming yourself? Don't, my love, you're clearly living on your nerve-ends and nobody would be sailing serenely through the life you're living! Please try to be very, very gentle with yourself (even when you're down).

Please ask for help, too, from your HV if you have one, and your midwife as well as the GP practice and the MHT. There is help. You're fully entitled to it.

Keep posting; it often helps with sorting your thoughts out, especially when things are hard. xx

To be honest, it sounds as if your DH has a real drink problem. Even though he knows how badly it affects you, he doesn't stop. Of course you do need help with the panic attacks as you realise you can't look after small children in that state, and I absolutely know where you're coming from not wanting to take medication whilst pg (doctors don't always get this right). But the one thing he could do to help you in the meanwhile - something most of us would feel is no big deal - he isn't willing, or more likely doesn't feel able, to do. "Saying that I am controlling him and he shouldnt have to 'pander' to me" is a threadbare excuse to say the least - it's pathetic. They are the absolute textbook words of someone who cannot control their drinking. This is likely to be the real reason behind your panic attacks: knowing he is out of control and there is nothing you (or anyone except himself) can do about it.

I don't have experience with this situation, but I wonder whether a call to AlAnon may help - the ones who support families of alcoholics. Certainly if he is sometimes abusive you are not wrong to react to it. It's only the extent of your reaction that needs to be evened out, for your own sake and that of the children.

Attila, give us a hand here, hon?

Hi corona,

If your DH is alcoholic then he won't stop drinking simply because his family also are telling him to stop. It doesn't work like that at all. Your H has to want to stop for his own self; other people asking him or telling him to stop will not work. He can only face up to this and at the moment he is choosing not to and may actually never do so.

He won't likely listen to anyone now, his primary relationship is now with drink. Nothing and no-one else matters; they can be the most self centered and self absorbed people on the planet. His excuses saying that you are, "controlling him and he should not have to pander to you" are just that - excuses. Also denial of the problem is commonplace and he likely underestimates how much he drinks. Saying also that he'll go without drink for two weeks gives him then permission to resume. All of that gives him in his mind the justification to carry on as he is with regards to his drinking.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still drink; he has made a conscious choice here. Your task now is to not be dragged down with him further into his pit.

I would be completely honest with your GP and seek help again for your own self re the extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Tell him the whole lot re your H and how he is affecting you. Your fears re taking the ADs whilst pg also need to be expressed.
Your H is the likely cause behind the panic attacks as alcoholism is beyond your experience and have no idea what to do or how to act for the best now. Does the GP know of your H's drinking problem?. Who does know?. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, start talking to people (Al-anon are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers) and open up to them more.

You are only responsible for your own self as well as your children, NOT him. You rprobably feel very responsible for your H; you need to emotionally detach and not make excuses for him. Get as much support as you can from family, friends, Al-anon and the GP. They are there to help you, you are not at fault here and no-one is going to criticise you for asking for help and support.

It will not do your children any favours at all to have a drunkard for a parent in their lives; it will emotionally harm them. You may eventually come to decide that you will have to separate in terms of divorcing this man as well. You do not have to tolerate this or put up with being in an alcoholic marriage. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Aye, that.

I think a lot of people are afraid of the "A-word", and no doubt if you used it to your H he would be very scornful. But really, when a person apparently cannot live without alcohol for more than two weeks at a time (at least not where you can see him), what else should you call it?

What A & A said above, as well. I was more concerned about you being down on yourself than naming your H's alcoholism but of course, that's what it is.

You derserve much better, my love, and so do your children. It's quite true that keeping secrets makes the damage worse. You're entitled to talk about whatever you like, to whomever you like. And there is plenty of support out there, you only have to ask.

Take good care of you. Wishing you well.

Thankyou all for your kind responses.

I do think Dh has an alchohol problem, but he does not need to drink every day and does not get 'the shakes' or anything like that.
Its more like he drinks most days and once he starts, he has to get drunk.
I donk know if that makes him an alcoholic.

Dfil is an alcoholic and is blind drunk from lunch time every day. Dfil is not an agressive of violent man but he has lost everything (his v. well paid job, my lovley Mil and relationships with his Dc & Dgc) Dh is adamant that he is not in any way the same as his Dad and the sugestion that he has a problem just makes him 'shut down' and we cant seem to talk about it.

Dh read my op and the replies.
He did not take it well, although he did accept that I had in no way exagarated (if anything I have down-played the situation).

He says that he is stressed because of my MH problems and its no wonder that he wants to have a few drinks to unwind.

He was a bit drunk last night after I wrote my op and I had another melt down.
He was winding me up, saying things about Ds (I dont think he means them at all tbh) but he knows that I cant listen to him bad mouthing my Ds without getting upset.

Somtimes he is really nice and somtimes he seems to 'bait' me for a reaction. I dont understand why he would want to get me upset (espesh as I'm heavily pg).
When hes not drunk or hungover he is the best Dh anyone could wish for and we get on so well and really enjoy eachothers company.

He said that if I spoke to his Dm about this then he would leave and take Dd with him.
He says he can take her because I have Mh problems and am 'unfit'.

We moved 300miles away from our friends and family (I dont really have any supportive family anyway) and I dont know anyone here.
We are in a tiny village with next to no public transport and I cant drive.
I feel really trapped.

I love my Dh very much and dot really want to split up and even if I did, I dont see how I would get to keep my Dc as he is right about my MH probs.

It sounds as if you are having MH problems more because of him than anything else - did you used to have "meltdowns" before you were with him, or did it come on with the PND?

No, you don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic, nor do you need to be incapable all the time (heard the expression "functioning alcoholic"? That's someone who manages to live an apparently normal life despite their addiction.) Just because he's not as drunk as his dad doesn't mean it isn't a problem. You still get arrested for shoplifting even if the bloke down the road robbed a bank!

Big, big warning signs now, he's threatening to take your children if you tell his mother? Why is he that afraid of her knowing what's going on? And no, it's not up to him to decide whether he can just up and take your children away (one of them isn't even his!). He's trying to imply that only him looking after you is keeping your children with you, that Social Services will automatically take them off you because you are unfit. This is unlikely to be true. He wouldn't have to threaten you to keep your mouth shut if it were.

You do really need to start talking to someone else because he is messing with your head big time. If nothing else, if you yourself are worried that you are an unfit parent, get to the GP and insist on counselling at the very least, preferably a full psychiatric assessment. Because you know what - I don't think you're all that mad at all (but I don't know you IRL of course). One thing I don't for one moment believe is that you are driving him to drink. Another of the oldest lines in that well-thumbed book. You're being gaslighted, my dear (Google it).

Dh says that it will upset his Dm that I'm not happy and that she has alot on her mind so its not fair to burden her.
I love her dearly so would not want to upset her.

I read some bits on gas lighting but it seems that the people who 'gas light' set out to do so. I really dont think Dh set out to hurt me (most of the time he is v. kind).

I would leave for a couple of days but I have nowhere to go and I would not want to be without Dc.

Hes being really nice now but I just dont trust that its going to last.

Sweetheart, you're in a massive state of denial and I don't think this thread is going to be enough to wake you up.

I will just say, for now, that your meltdowns sound really distressing for you and your kids. Whatever is leading you to self-harm and stuff, you can be helped; nobody will take your kids away and it is fine to talk to your doctor, your MIL and anyone you choose. The more talking you do, the better you'll feel (don't worry about DH, he's not allowed to dictate who you talk to, or what you say).

Take care of yourself, this stress is far too much and you don't need to carry it alone