What to do - is this wrong? Help please

[wrongORright]

have chnged my name for this one, but am a regular. For 18 months now I have been in regular text and email contact with an old, and very fanciable, ex colleague of mine. We exchange 10-20 mails/txt per week and talk about general stuff, sometimes with a little innuendo thrown in! I do sometimes bump into him at the gym and we just exchange hello and how are you. Today, I had a meeting where he works(Total coincidence - its a big place) and we met for a short lunch afterwards. This was in his staff canteen so there was nothing sneaky about it. We chatted and laughed cos we do get on very well. Then off I went and so did he, after a chaste peck on the cheek.

Now I am left feeling very frustrated and confused as to what he wants from me. We get on very well and the chemistry is there, but neither off us gave any sort of signal to the other today.

I would also add that we are both very happily married, but is it so very wrong to get an ego boost about being fancied by someone else? If indeed, he still feels that way about me (if he doesn't, why does he continue the texts)

I know there was an attraction 3 yrs ago as we both got drunk at a ball and ended up in a bedroom together - but I stopped it after just kissing him. I know this might seem very self indulgent but I just dunno what to do. Should the contact continue, or should I just ask him why we have any contact at all? Thanks for reading this.

bump

Please be careful.
That's exactly how my dh ended up having an affair with a work colleague which caused so much pain! He describes it now as each little step was just that a little step- email, text, meet for coffeeetc in his head he knew over in the distance is being unfaithful and in his head he was saying "i'm not going there" "but i will go there"ie the next small step meet for lunch etc get the picture? then it came to the next step which by then was just another small step and- boom! you've overstepped the mark!
We all make choices in our life - just be aware that sometimes they can have huge consiquences and the very fact you're writing about this suggests you know that.

MABS - have posted before regarding this. I started off as having just a friendship with a man, we just met occassionally for chats etc but now it has been going on for 2 months and the problem I have now is that we are both really starting to like each other a lot. We have got to know each other very well (btw we haven't slept together) as great friends and have got to the point of kissing. I feel incredibly guilty on my family as a whole, I have deeper issues with dp as he does control my life /doesn't let me go out much and so I believe he has driven me to one thing that he fears the most!!! Me meeting someone else. That is no excuse for my behaviour though and I know that, I hate the lies and the deceit but now me and this man have a very strong bond which as each day goes by is proving more difficult to break!!!!!

My advice to your friend is stop it now before you get emotionally involved.....the devastating effects it would have on my family including my small children reminds what I am doing is so wrong but I am literally torn down the middle and so confused as to what do with my life.

IMO a fling is so much easier as when its just about sex then its not as bad. What am I doing is by far more wrong because I care about him but I still love my dp!!! I am in such a mess I just don't know what to do!!!!

thanks for that Badgirl. the situation sounds very similar to my mate. The only difference is that she has been texting for about 18 months and the meet ups have only recently started. She assures me there has been no physical contact at all and that they just get on very well when they see each other. She genuinely doesn't think he fancies her and says she is sure he doesn't want an affair. I am sceptical coz we know he had a brief fling with someone 5 yrs ago and also as some of their texts are extremely flirty! I have told her it must stop.

I think that texting is a bad idea... It will just lead to other things...what if your dh told you that he was "just texting" another female?
If you want to pursue another relationship, the ones that ya'll are in now should be ended.

I agree CeeTee.

my friend is still doing this and now see his for lunch every 3/4 weeks. I know that there is nothing physical between them, but it still worries me that no-one else would beleive that, particularly her dh and his dw. They exchange 6 or 7 texts each day!

If you are so happily married why do you need someone else to find you attractive - you shoud stop this now - how would you feel if your hubby was doing this - you are betraying him - or do you want trouble - there is so may people having geninue problems in their marraiges why are you risking yours

Ok, so you want him to be interested for your own ego? Do you realise how shallow that sounds? What about his wife?

And if he does say that he is interested, what then? You lead him on and then you say "oh no thanks, I just wanted to know!" So he goes away a frustrated man whilst you get a bit of a kick out of it and spent the rest of the day smirking to yourself that someone has just made a tit out of themselves for you?

Shake yourself up girl! You're acting like a spoilt brat! You have a happy marriage, so why the need for the ego boost? Why try to ruin someone else's marriage for your own benefit?

Tell you what, I hope your dh finds someone nice he can flirt with too, maybe then you'll realise how hurtful it can be and you'll stop playing your silly games!

rhuby its not mabs its her friend

No, no, no! I wasn't aiming that at Mabs, at the original poster, wrongORright who has changed her name because she damn well knows that it's wrong!

Why risk a good marraige for an attraction? Very few people are fortunate enough to have good marraiges. Think of all the lives that would be devistated if what you are hinting at happens. It is a bell you could not unring.

Why not spend your time/energy spicing things up with dh, rather than wasting time on someone else who already has a wife? Also, how would your friend's wife feel? This could ruin her life. Are you really willing to be so selfish to go after an illusion?

You say you are "happily married" - I bet your dh would not think he was happily married if he read what you wrote below.

Do either of you have kids? If so, then your recklessness has the potential to ruin even more lives.

Break it off now before it is too late. You know in your soul that what you are doing is wrong otherwise you wouldn't be at such pains to try and make excuses for your behaviour.

Sorry to be harsh, but you did ask.

Good luck. I hope you do the right thing.

sorry rhuby

It really isn't me honest, but it is a very dear friend!! Thanks for vouching for me Custy. For the record Rhuby, I totally agree with you and am finding the situation very hard and totally frustrating.

Oh riiiiiiight! Now I get it! Some friend! I'd drop her, can't stand people like that, as you may have gathered!

I know you are right Rhuby, and that may happen in the end. At the mo I'm still in the persuading her it's wrong phase tho! That's why am interested to see if anyone on here really condones it and thinks it's harmelss flirtation. I can't discuss it in RL coz all my mates would work out who it was v quickly!

I agree with RRR.

RightorWrong gets a little kick out of this, feels good, other people bear the cost in potentially quite serious pain.

It is selfish.

RightorWrong, given that your ego is obviously so important to you, would you not mind at all if your DH was doing the same?

Rightorwrong seems to have gone quiet, shame because i was interested in this one!