I left XP (DS' Dad) six months ago after I realised he was emotionally abusive and controlling. Everything I have read since then just confirms this more - it's fascinating really. I have just started reading the Lundy Bancroft book often recommended on here, and I can't put it down. But I am reading it and realising that there are many ways in which people can be abusive in relationships, and it's making me think about another relationship I had a few years ago.
I know it's not always helpful to go over the past and I wonder whether it is a good idea to go over this on here, but I have been wondering so much about this relationship that I just wanted some outside opinions on it. I'll call him ex-bf to differentiate from XP.
I met ex-bf through a friend at college who I had a crush on. Despite my best efforts it seemed the friend was not interested and so I started seeing ex-bf, who I was attracted to, but didn't really know. We met up a few times and I was a bit in awe of how attractive I found him, I hadn't had much experience of dating at all and boys at school etc never seemed to fancy me. "Irresistable" was the word I used at the time. Anyway because of my feelings for my friend, and one incident where I went back to ex-bf's house and while we were kissing, he put his hand down my knickers. I was a bit uncomfortable with this but didn't say anything. He also used to literally sit/lie on me to stop me from leaving when I needed to go and catch a bus home (and they only went every hour). But, I don't know, he did all this with such a sense of fun that it didn't feel at all sinister or intimidating.
Anyway after this I decided to be tough with myself and not contact him at all. We lost touch for a few months and then I bumped into him at a local gig. He appeared to be with a girl so I was polite but not over-friendly. A few days later he texted me something flirty.. I replied saying I thought you had a girlfriend? To which he said oh, the girl I was with the other day, no I'm not going out with her. I have got a girlfriend though but I am getting bored of her. And then proceeded to have a flirty text conversation for the next few hours
He used to ring me and we'd talk for hours, about anything really, after a few times, we arranged to meet up again and I started seeing him, though he said he didn't want a relationship I settled for it being an "open" relationship because I thought that I would rather have him even if he was seeing other people than not have him at all.
So, apart from the fact he was sleeping with all and sundry (and to be fair I was getting off with a fair few other people too, but I didn't have sex with anyone else because I didn't want to) and he was a bit of an alcoholic, it was all lovely. He was sweet and he made me laugh and we had a good time together. I was totally in love with him, and I think that he loved me, but for obvious reasons I can't be 100% sure.
The things that ended it, in the end, were little incidents that I wasn't sure about at the time, but looking back are completely horiffic and I have no idea what I was thinking There was the time we went to a festival, and he was chatting with a younger girl, about 15 or 16, and at one point was alone in a tent with her while the rest of us were outside, which I know sounds paranoid, at the time he insisted nothing happened, but later he said "I only got off with her" (He knew she was 15) - I was pissed off about this because although it was an open relationship I felt it was disrespectful to be flirting with someone else right in front of me. Also, he kept seeing his ex when I said I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't mind him seeing anyone else, but not her.
The other awful things I am not even sure I should post He never ever hurt me physically and only once made me feel afraid, and when I was with XP, who used to be very cold and aloof when he was annoyed with me (usually when I didn't want sex) or refused to apologise if he accidentally hurt me (like when you turn around and bump into someone etc) whereas ex-bf was always very affectionate and would apologise straight away if anything like this happened. (Though was not apologetic if I told him he'd hurt my feelings as his view was always "Well we're not going out so it's ok"). I felt the contrast all the time (in hindsight, when I was with XP I was probably not over ex-bf) and used to miss ex-bf terribly even though if I thought about it rationally I knew I could not be with him again.
I left ex-bf when I met someone else (not XP) who showed me I didn't have to stay and be treated like he was treating me, although he was so loving at other times. I think I found this contrast really difficult to understand (and still do to be honest) and I gave ex-bf one last chance by asking him if we could be "together officially" - he said no, because I could never shag Matt Bellamy (the singer from Muse!!) Which I just thought was pathetic. Even so I found it hard emotionally to leave, much harder than leaving XP, though that relationship was a lot more serious and we lived together and had DS together.
Ex-bf went on to be with the ex I always had a problem with, and had a baby with her, which I found hard to deal with when I found out about it. I found out I was pregnant with DS the week after this so it might have been hormones making me extra sensitive to it.
So.. I never thought that the relationship with ex-bf was abusive, although I recognised that it was destructive despite feeling so deep and meaningful when we were together, it was very much like an addiction. I had to cut contact completely because I knew if I saw him I'd end up crying on him and/or having sex with him and I didn't want to complicate it any more than it already was complicated. As it happened, I saw him once, both things happened, and he told me he was gutted I didn't want to see him any more but if I was happy, then that was alright, and I really think he meant it.
Anyway this is all a bit pointless really, because I have no desire to even see him again - I can listen to songs/watch films etc which used to remind me of him and make me cry, and even came across a picture of him the other day and didn't feel a thing, but I just wondered what the relationship experts on here thought. Sorry this was such a self indulgent ramble!