am i jealous?

[blurr]

Hi, i'm going to try and make the story short but it is difficult...

About 5 years ago my dh and i became very good friends with another couple, going on holidays with them, at each others houses, kids very good friends. They got to know my family and very good friends too.

Two years ago, i found conclusive evidence that my dh was having an affair with the wife, my good friend. I had had my suspicions but dh always said they were just friends. Eventually I found out that it had been going on for three years! I asked my dh to leave, he begged me to let him stay so i made him promise never to contact her. Some our friends found out too and it made the situation quite difficult as our friendship was also the reason they were friends with each other.

Anyway, my dh and ow started to contact each other again by test and phone and again i found out. Again i asked him to leave but he cried and begged to stay claiming he loved me. I decided to let him stay more because my kids would be devastated. THey love their father dearly and he has never been abusive toward me.

But i still had to see this OW everyday as the kids went to the same school and many of our friends, some of whom we had known before we got married, supported thw ow which hurt me terribly.

She never showed any remorse and would wiggle her hips and laugh with her friends as though nothing had happened and those that knew what she did were happy to laugh with her. I felt as though it was me who had the affair, i felt so lonely, having lost friends to her.

Anyway, she moved abroad and i started feeling much happier. BUT we went on holiday a while ago, and yes she turned up with her family at the same resort (some our 'friends' knew where we were going and i believe my husband didn't tell her as he was so shocked). These friends supported her by believing it was just a coincidence.

We came back home and i forgot about her. However, a few weeks ago, she joined facebook, where i have been a member for many years. AS we have common friends, some of whom have no idea what she did, all i see is people sending her compliments and telling her how lovely she is. All is i think is 'if they only knew'.

I can't seem to forget about her and hate her for the way she has behaved and now she is on FB, i can see how she interacts with other people I know.

Why did the friends who knew support her, I didn't do anything wrong, my husband did, yes but not me. Her husband forgave her, he is besotted by her. I just don't understand the nature of people. She told so many lies and me and dh that i just gave up trying to justify myself against her, they always believed her, even when i know she is liar, Even these 'friends' in the past called her a manipulator and liar but they ended giving her what she wanted, their friendship to her and not me. I know that these people are not my friends but they were a big part of my life and now i lost that.

Am i jealous, should i be feeling like this? How can she get away with what she did?

blurr - there are no simple, easy answers, but I have to say, you sound a tremendously strong woman (even if you don't feel like it right now)

I think you need to find a way to not fixate on this woman (which admittedly is hard, when it feels like she's following you around). Tell yourself that she lives abroad now - she is not on your doorstep. She's there on Facebook - but that's just pictures and words on a screen, she's not down the road any more. Stop using Facebook if its hurting that much.

The really difficult bit is that you want her friends to know what a bitch she is, and it must be hard feeling she gets all the attention and people think she's wonderful. Keep telling yourself the truth always comes out in some form, even if it takes time. She clearly isn't the wonderful person she presents to others - so be confident in that belief.

Make new friends, who have no connection to this woman. The most empowering thing you can do is move forward. She's in the past.

I have been through similar (but still see this woman at school). I hate it. It's been over 4 years but whenever her name is mentioned by mutual friend I feel so angry. When I see her she blanks me, she actually blamed me for it at the time because I was at work on the days she saw him!? Therefore I let it happen according to her. Violethill is right, try and move forward and stay strong. You have your dh in your life, she doesn't. Be proud that you are so dignified and a wonderful mum x

perhaps the friends side with her because somehow she has the fear hold over them. If they have any secrets maybe its a case of she will tell if they dont side with her.

Is is possible she has said anything to them about you to make them side with her?

I don't think you are jealous. You are hurt and confused why these people who said they were friends have sided with her. I personally would drop all my friends who sided with her and cancel FB use.

Thank you all for your messages, they are all so reassuring.

I feel so depressed about it some days and find it difficult now to connect with people.

I agree that things on FB are just words, I don't want to stop using it as I don't want to give it up just because she is lurking in the background.

Although she has moved away, she does come back often and I do end up bumping into her but i just have to ignore her.

Trying to move on, but it is very hard. Making new friends isn't easy, as by the age of 40 many people already have established friendships it is hard to make close ones, but i'm getting there.

I'm also trying to make things work with dh and getting there slowly.

Thanks again, it's great to have positive feedback.

Well, you have forgiven your DH & the OW's DH has forgiven her so why should everyone else be forced to take sides?

Stop using FB if you don't like what you see.

You seem to expect your friends to 'side' with you but how would you feel if everyone gave your DH the cold shoulder for ever? After all he has behaved exactly the same (& worse towards you).

"Am I jealous?" Why do you even need to ask this, OF COURSE you are! Jealous and hurt and angry and who wouldn't be.

On a practical level, if you go on FB, look her up and then click on 'Block this Person'. She will never know that you have blocked her and it means you will never see her interaction with your friends. I've done it and it works - you don't get informed / see if she comments on someones status, if someone comments on hers etc.

And I too was in a similar situation where my XP had an affair with one of my best friends and I was enraged that people continued to have friendships with her. I have no words of advice but remember, you will move on and she will become inconsequencial to you. Remember, she is the morally inept one.

The best revenge is living well.

Ladylapsang, I haven't forced anyone to take sides, in fact quite the opposite, I did tell them that I understood they were friends with us all but actually it turned out that some of our closest friends, who wanted to be 'in' with the ow, took the opportunity to do so. OW also told many lies to get people on her side and she successfully did 'win' them over. I do feel that we were shoved to the side for not throwing big parties and dinners every week.

What actually really hurts is when the person you thought was your best friend and dh have deceived you, that your friends can do the same by turning their back on you, your self esteem is really rock bottom and all I wanted to do is make sense of it all.

With respect to dh, ow had portrayed him as deceiving her and actually none of our friends (including his best friend) spoke to him at all and even now, they don't. It is in fact OW who has asked people to make a choice. It is almost as though everyone is 'in-love' with her.

As for FB, yes you are right I can stop using it but surely she wins again.

I can block her and DH has done just that.

Victoriascrumptious, I am all the things you say and I just wish I wasn't. I wish my life, my marriage was just normal.

A lesson I learnt through all this though is that the only people who matter were my family and that was what I had to focus on. But it is hard and it can be lonely.

Sorry, probably came across as too harsh. On the positive side, looks like your husband has put the relationship with OW truely behind him to rebuild his life with you.

Haven?t read other replies, but perhaps she is an easy going nature, and you are more in depth-analytical-sophisticated type, in which case men (and sometimes women) are amazed by easy going life style and don?t look further. Especially if you feel depressed (which is perfectly normal) and she does not take things into heart and is bursting with joy. It is hard to find this reassurance then that you are the right side and she is the wrong one. Not easy to deal with but you are strong in terms that you haven?t deceived anyone, strong enough to have forgiven your husband, strong enough to maintain your values. Focus on your self and your family, just leave your thoughts about the analysing the OW she is just not worth it.

I definitely feel more positive today and she really isn't worth wasting my time thinking about her (easily said than done though). The problem is that she will not let go of my my dh. She openly proclaimed that she loved my dh, in front of her own husband.

toja555 you are right, however I think that I am actually quite laid back and not an intense person (although I do believe in loyalty with close friends), which is why I get taken advantage of. OW is actually quite intense, more of an extrovert and yes bursting with joy.

This board is great, you have ALL given me great advice and helps to see things more clearly, especially when you are feeling low.