Friend and Xmas dilemma (yes, already!)

[Janos]

Now I know I'm probably asking for it by name changing in this topic but I am a regular, I Promise!(iCod, JudgeFlounce, MarkHenley etc)- name change to protect other parties involved as this one involves a friend.

Anyway,I have a dilemma I've been mulling over all week and would appreciate some MN advice.

The situ is I'm a single mum and so is my pal. Her family are overseas (this is relevant). She's been through some very tough times recently and I've given her a lot of support, none of which I grudge for a moment 'cos I know how tough it can be having been there myself and just coming through the other side. We see each other usually once or twice a week and often with the DCs.

Now, she asked me last week if she can come and stay with me and my family at Christmas as her DC is going to stay with her ex and she can't get home to her family. This will mean spending 2-3 days together as neither of drive and travel is involved). To be honest, I'm a bit blindsided by this and not sure it's a good idea but otoh I know she will be totally on her own at xmas and I would hate to leave anybody in that position.

In my heart of hearts I am thinking 'no' but then I feel incredibly guilty thinking of her stuck on her own. What to do? If I say no then it will probably damage the friendship. However I do feel that she is imposing on my good nature a little bit.

I know many posters will likely think I'm a mean spirited cow, fair dos.

Any advice on this delicate situation, please advise!

Name change hasn't worked, oh well...advice still welcome.

very tricky.

I guess you could say, 'I really don't know what the family's plans are yet, its a bit soon to think about it'

and hope the convo goes away for now?

why not tell her that what would suit you best is for her to join you on xmas eve, then leave boxing day as you have things to do? that way you have help on hand for xmas day itself yet have a limit on the amount of time she stays.
would she be staying with just you and your dc's? or with your extended family?
if it's with you then you can invent plans for boxing day lunch; if it's with extended family you can set the limit using their plans as your excuse (might need their support on this).

How far away from you does she live? (thinking taxis rather than sleeping over the entire time if neither of you drives)

Does she have other friends? (thinking she could spend a bit of time with several people rather than all with you)

What do you typically do over Christmas? (wondering if you have any traditions you plan to continue that her presence might interfere with)

I did say something along those lines piratecat - like a great big jessie I ummmed and ahhed and said oh well "I'll need to check with my mum" and "my stepdad can be a bit funny about people staying in the house" (which is true - he's a lovely man but he is very quiet and likes his own space).

I fear that saying no will damage the friendship which I don't want to do. She's lovely and I really enjoy her company. But how can she not be upset if I say no?

Aaargh, aargh, aaargh, dunno what to do.

does one more person really hurt? even if you have extended family coming or visiting them - can't she tag along? I know my family would rather feed one more person (who may or may not financially contribute) than know they're alone at christmas

but if you really can't, just say no - she won't be the only single, alone person on Christmas day... or suggest she volunteers at a soup kitchen / hospital or something to take her mind off it

Ok will try to answer everyone -

maristella - not poss as my family live some distance away. Certainly not taxi distance (unless you're very rich!) so she would need to stay for at least two days as there is no PT on Xmas Day/Boxing Day.

It's not that anyone would object for the day, I think - not for a moment. And one extra person would not be a problem!

It's the staying over bit really.

There are no family traditions that would be interfered with, we don't really have traditions.

Oh, and I would be travelling down on Xmas Eve with DS on the train (my family lives about 180 miles away).

So - she'd be travelling 180 miles on the train with you, in order to spend Christmas with your family?

Are there any affordable B&Bs or hotels in the area? Might solve the issue of everyone needing their own space, and having some privacy/time apart.

Is she a needy/energy sucking/gloomy/wet blanket sort of person (especially in light of her situation), or would she be good fun/a helpful extra set of hands?

What exactly are you afraid could go wrong? Why are you hesitating?

I think you are being a bit horrid. For her to actually come right out and ask, not even hint, and this early in the year, she is clearly very apprehensive about Christmas. If you really are her friend, you should welcome her. I think you are being selfish.

So you are going to stay with family? Does she know that bit? Maybe she meant to come and stay at your house?

That sounds very strange. I'd hate to spend xmas with a friend's family I had never met. Would far rather spend xmas on my own.
If she was a close friend to be honest I'd probably just have her round to my house and tell my relatives I'm not coming or invite them round to my house.

Ah, so when you say stay with you and your family, it means taking someone your family don't know into their house. That does put a different complexion on things. It's got to be up to them really whether they are keen to do the decent thing by their daughter's friend, or not keen on having a stranger foisted into their midst at the most family-oriented time of year. If things don't work out she can't exactly flounce out of the house, can she? The upside of this dilemma is that if you fail to persuade them to let her stay with them, a reasonable person couldn't blame it on you.

Hullygully - appreciate your point. Maybe I am being a bit selfish here.

If it was just me and DS and people were coming to me I would say yes without hesitation (honestly!), however the fact I am going to family makes it that much more complicated.

2rebecca - actually I agree with you and would (in fact do) enjoy being on my own but I accept a lot of people don't feel that way.

Maybe that is the solution in fact?

I could stay up here with DS and invite people up to me? We could have a nice quiet Christmas.

Do people really spend little claustrophobic christmases all tucked away with just their blood relatives? Grim. It's much more fun to throw a few other people into the mix, and surely a little bit more in the spirit of Christmas to welcome the lonely?

I'm rather impressed that she is thinking so far ahead about what is likely to be a tricky time and has asked you if she can come along.

I'm more the sort who hopes someone kind/generous will realise my situation, and think to invite/include me. I'm so hesitant to impose, that I often don't ask.

Think it is quite brave of her. It would be awful to spend Christmas alone.

Tricky one.

I think it is a big ask of your friend.

Personally I would have xmas at home and invite everyone to you. The more the merrier etc.

I've taken on board all the comments and must admit I feel a bit ashamed, putting myself in her shoes kind of thing.

I will go all out to persuade my mum about Christmas and if not I will stay up and host.

Thank you everyone!