I really don't want my mother to come to my 40th

[mslucy]

I am 40 in August and am planning a big eff off house party to celebrate this fact.
The theme is "Party like it's 1990" and the plan is to get pissed and throw ourselves around to rotten old dance music.
I have been planning it for ages and am really looking forward to it.

Now my mother has decided she wants to come. She is 70, uptight and snobbish and would be totally out of place. We have had a very strained relationship for years, she has been vile to and about DH and has never helped with my kids at all. She is annoyed because I don't invite her to kids' parties.

She just wouldn't fit it and would reward my invitation with disparaging remarks about pretty much everyone I know - she has always been uber critical about all my friends since way back when.

I have been getting on with her slightly less badly than I did a couple of years ago - I didn't speak to her for ages - largely I think because she has a huge downer on my brother. I know it would be "nice" to invite her but it would literally ruin my birthday. I wouldn't be able to relax or be myself and that's not what you want on your birthday.

What can I do?

I wouldn't invite her.

Maybe organise a family lunch thing and invite her to that?

why not go out to lunch with her before the party?
if she asks to come along tell her firmly that you will not put her through it and she will hate it.
if she criticises anyone who will be going to your party, remind her that her evident dislike is why she would not enjoy the party.
party sounds great btw, can i come?
have a great birthday!

Don't let her come, tell her it's for friends and she would hate it.

Yeah lunch or dinner the day before might not be a bad idea - that's what DH suggests.

I know it will become an issue though - she wouldn't let it go on the phone last night.

She can be very, very annoying sometimes.

I had the same dilemma about my 40th.

felt I could'nt really NOT invite her (it was a friends party mainly with a few family)

I shouldnt have invited her

She sat at the back of the bar with a face like a slapped arse,didnt dance, or even get up when I cut my cake, made hardly any attempt to speak to anyone, sent my dad over to ask why my dh hadn't made an effort to speak to HER and whilst she didnt spoil the actual night for me, in retrospect she was a terrible guest

Hi,

Inviting herself along is very unfair on you particularly in light of her actions. To me she sounds toxic.

It seems you and your brother have always had a difficult relationship with her, perhaps even from childhood too. Is that the case?.

You do not mention your Dad, where is he?.

I would not even be doing lunch or dinner with your Mum to be honest, if she can be disparaging about your family then she is not worth your time or effort. She'd likely only moan throughout. Some people are never happy unless they are unhappy. You are not the root cause of her unhappiness and you did not make her this way.

The best thing that you can do here is maintain clear and firm boundaries.

Don't invite her.

Explain to her that it's a party for friends only and there will be lots of loud banging tunes and snogging and beer drinking and possibly also some illicit sex in the bedrooms under the coats. And people will be sick and telling each other how much they love everybody.

Suggest that she might like to take you out for lunch to celebrate your birthday in a more civilised and intimate way.

Family lunch is a great idea

I agree tell her it's just for friends around your age and don't invite her. I presume you discussed the party with her so she knows. If I was in your position I probably wouldn't have mentioned the party and then if forced into a corner described it as a friends and folk from work type party, not a family get together.
Do something else with her if you think she'd feel left out.
None of my kids' grandparents come to their parties. Their friends do. Different if tiny tots.
Maybe you need to talk to your mum sometime (but not near your birthday) about how you feel about the relationship and her being negative and not helping. What about your dad?

We had a big pub lunch with all our friends for mine the day before my b'day. And Sunday lunch and a walk for my family the next day.

If she keeps going on about it just keep repeating "no mum it's just for friends" and tell her you don't want to hear her moan about it any more.
I'd probably avoid phone calls or find an excuse to put the phone down if she does the broken record thing.