Porn and sex issues

[CoffeeCoffee]

Sorry name change and I know this has been done to death but I could do with some perspective. I looked in DPs internet history as I was looking for a B&B we were interested in and found a load of porn. I knew he looked at porn before and it didn't bother me but looking through his history its pretty much EVERYDAY and it ranges from your average hardcore porn stuff to live web cams. Some of it is pretty gross stuff with the usual offensive titles, cheap horrible stuff.

Its starting to annoy me just how much he looks at this stuff, I mean honestly it almost is everyday and its horrible tacky stuff.

Thing is I have issues with him in the bedroom lately too. During foreplay he says stuff to me like "get on your hands and knees or I might not be able to get it up" etc etc. Its like he has to replay these tacky porn scenes in the bedroom. I find it offensive that I don't turn him on enough to "get it up" unless I'm on my hands and knees like a bloody dog. And he pressures me about sex too. Like he'll decide one morning that he wants to have sex that night and he'll go on and on and on about it all day. Like he's making sure I don't "forget" that we have schedualed sex. Its such a turn off. And then sometimes on a night I'll say "no" and he'll go on keeping me awake for hours trying it on.

He doesn't hug me unless he's getting sex out of it. He knows I have a bad back yet "can't" massage me as it "Turns him on too much" (he's not 14, honest) and he'll refuse to masage me or do anything "Nice" unless he's guaranteed sex.

I have spoken to him about it and he apologises but after a while it starts up again. Is it too much to ask for a normal sex life?

Another thing is, I followed a link from his history to a porn video and it came up with a registration page saying you had to be registered to look at it. He swears blind he's not registered but he must have done?? why would it be in his history otherwise?

Um are you me?

Only way to sort this out is to discuss it.

Good luck, my attempts have, so far, failed.

My XH was like this. I left.

I'm sure there must be other ways of dealing with it but I ended up feeling completely objectified at quite a young age and leaving was right for me. He was a misogynistic wanker and his behaviour in the bedroom was symptomatic of it.

Anyway ...what happens if you take control? Be vocal and firm in what you will and wont accept, state when you want sex and how you want it. He needs to understand you are a human with feelings, not a body existing purely to fulfill his desires. Turning the tables might be the only way to help him understand.

I am (or hopefully was) guilty of much of your partner's behaviour. I wish I didn't do it (for example the going on about the upcoming sexathon all day) but sometimes it just comes out. I think some of it is nerves and lack of confidence. With testosterone raging, we 30-40 somethings are often no more sophisticated than a 14 year old.

Porn really doesn't help - it's highly addictive and normalises the objectification of women, but some of us have high sex drives and it is a very easy way to feed the monster.

Hope you manage to fix things. Doesn't sound beyond rescue to me.

I agree with FDH that it doesn't sound beyond rescue.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is what is the real issue. Is it the porn or is it the sex? To put it another way, would you be worried about the porn if your sex life was ok?

I suspect the answer is that your sex life is the real problem. If that is the case, try not to focus on the porn. Talk to him about your sex life. If necessary, go to counselling together. It might be embarrassing but it can help. It may be that the porn is contributing to the problems in your sex life but try to treat it as a side issue. He needs to make the connection for himself.

By the way, I don't necessarily think he is lying to you about registering for porn sites. As a man who sometimes visits such sites, I can tell you that many have pages of stills from videos with links that appear to take you to the video. Click on the link and up pops a page telling you that you have to register, which usually involves paying. However, the link is now in your browser history. He may simply have got as far as you did and given up.

Sounds awful for you. Perhaps the "going on about sex all day" could be said to be his way of thinking he's building up pleasure turning you on but the rest is just horrible. Telling you to get on your hands and knees so he can get it up? Hassling you when you say no? Refusing intimacy if it's not going to end in intercourse?

Certainly this sounds like a crisis because everything he is doing is putting you off sex and the more you don't want it, the more he is likely to feel angry and feel you don't love him and the more you will feel unloved. Total vicious circle. He is also de-sensitizing himself with the porn. I'd say it is vital he goes cold turkey on the porn.

Could you get him to do a little test like this one and admit that he has a problem?
www.acts.co.nz/ISBET_Screen.php

His behaviour sounds like avoidance for problems/worries/unhappiness in his life. Do you think that you could start with a conversation about how you are both feeling about life, sex aside? Leave sex and your feelings around it out of the conversation to drill down to what is going on? Kind of like the conversational equivalent of sex therapy where the first step is to do something like just hold hands with no further intimate contact.

And then sometimes on a night I'll say "no" and he'll go on keeping me awake for hours trying it on.

So basicly he feels he has more rights to your body than you do and sees you as nothing more than an object that he can do what he pleases with. Dont buy into this shit that they cant help it op, its a sense of entitlement they have and a lack of respect.

Personally i think its a form of bullying , when someone says no, thats the end of it isnt it ? It isnt normal to keep someone awake and hassle them for sex against their wishes is it. Nor is it normal to want to have sex with someone who doesnt want to. In any other scenario this would be classed as sexual harrasment. Id stop having sex with him frankly and id be clear why, although he,ll probably still bully you about it. Sounds like you need to redifine the boundrys regarding your own body.

And fdh, youve twice just tried to justify your rotton behaviour ie "With testosterone raging, we 30-40 somethings are often no more sophisticated than a 14 year old "

Bollocks , your excuse for hassling your wife but being able to control yourself around all the other women you come into contact with. You just feel ENTITLED. ,,And

"it's highly addictive and normalises the objectification of women, but some of us have high sex drives "
Note the BUT. Again, you feel entitled to harass you wife like this because you see her as nothing more than an object for your own pleasure. I think theres something really fucked up and disturbing about harassing an unwilling partner for sex. Theres no quicker route to divorce.

Tell him that normal men don't need their partners to get into "position" to enable them to get and maintain an erection - suggest he sees a doctor for his erectile dysfunction .

He sounds like a complete tosser who wants a blow up fuck-toy, not a wife who he will have to treat as an equal partner.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Coffee. It sounds awful. I disagree that the problem is not the porn, but your sex life. Clearly the problem is both and the fact that his enjoyment of porn is changing his sexual behaviour is a real worry because that means he has completely normalised the tacky, nasty images he is getting off on.

This may come across as harsh and hysterical - and I know MNers are often accused of man bashing, but really, why would you want to be with a man who has so little respect for women in general and you in particular? You deserve better than this.

The part of your OP that bothered me most was probably the way he won't be in any way intimate with you unless it is in a sexual way. That is emotionally damaging for you and your relationship. How dreadful. What if you were upset? Would he not comfort you in case he got 'too turned on?'.

He needs a short, sharp shock of some sort to realise how utterly unacceptable this is.

"With testosterone raging, we 30-40 somethings are often no more sophisticated than a 14 year old."

That's utter bollocks fdh and you know it, men are perfectly able to control themselves, they don't spontaneously combust if they get an erection and don't do anything with it - my DH is 44 and has a perfectly normal sex drive, he neither pesters me for sex nor wanks himself stupid to porn, he wants sex because I want it too, if I'm not in the mood that's it, we have a cuddle and go to sleep, ditto if he's not in the mood.

The fact is, if a man can't get aroused ( or is using it as an excuse) unless his partner has to act out some kind of porn scene, he has a problem, a big one.

I think you have your perspective, Coffee. No one has said that his behaviour is acceptable, or that you are over reacting. Everyone has said that this is wrong and th at he is disrespectful and has a problem.

So the question is, what are you going to do about it now? Obviously talking about it is getting you nowhere - I have no idea what you can practically do to get him to give up the porn and consider your feelings, but someone wise on here may have some suggestions...

FDH - as a self-confessed misogyistic arse (my interpretation - not your words) do you have any ideas? What would work on you?

Coffee , your going to have to start saying No, and mean it. Every time you have sex with him under these conditions you are accepting and condoning his treatment of you. He deprives you of physical affection and uses this to blackmail you into sex, despite your objections , he keeps you awake when your tired , again, despite your objections. This is abusive behaviour.

I dont beleive that this is the only area of your relationship where he ignores your feelings and disrespects you. And fwiw i dont think its a sex issue either, men who behave like this are normally incredibly immature and often use sex as a way to dominate their partners. They leer and letch and make constant degrading comments and see each sex session as victory over their reluctant partner.

Seeing as he feels its acceptable to keep you awake demanding sex id kick him out of the bedroom for a start and stop having sex with him. No doubt he,ll soon be telling you theres something wrong with you not to be getting turned on by the constant demanding and doggy type positions.

Malifience,

I think the OP's partner probably, deep down, just wants his partner to be confident about the way she looks (no matter how much he says she is gorgeous), and bring back a bit of seduction to the proceedings. She might want him to do the same.

The trouble is that years of (insert whatever you like here, kids, work problems, etc) has led to porn use and his outlook on sex has been corrupted. All you have to do is reprogram him and away you go!

Being confident about the way you look has absolutely nothing to do with acting like some porn-slut.
That kind of inner confidence comes from knowing how your partner feels about you, if you don't feel loved and respected, you don't feel sexy - it's that simple.
The OP's partner has probably shredded her self confidence by behaving like that, I cant imagine anything more of a turn off than if my DH said to me that the only way he could get aroused was by me acting out some porn scene, any woman, even a highly sexed one like me, would be destroyed by such a comment.

Years of kids/general life issues/ lack of sex etc. do not lead to compulsive porn use, if it did then every man would behave in a similar fashion.

His own inadequacies and selfishness have led to his dependance on porn for stimulation.
Emotionally healthy men who love and respect their partners don't treat them like fuck-toys and don't view porn as a sex subsitute, or anything even remotely realistic.

There isn't a woman on the planet who would want sex under the circumstances the Op describes.
I doubt he can be "reprogrammed" as you put it, that kind of defective view of sex (and women) is pretty much intrinsic in men like that, it's what he is.

I think you have to go straight in with the big guns. He isn't treating you well enough to expect you to have sex with him. Give him the ultimatum that he can either respect you or your body or forget about having access to it. It's his problem not yours. He also needs to realise how porn is quite intrusive in 'normal' sex lives as it is not about love or feeling or being mutually satisfactory, it's about display.

Turn it back on him. If he wants "porno sex" tell him you expect him to come to it armed with six-pack, ass you could bounce a pound coin off, perma tan and a massive chopper.

Bloody porn...

Also expect him to provide you with 2-3 orgasms simply by stimulating your nipples.

And if he comes at an inconvenient time, why that 12incher of his better just pop up again and be at the ready!

Porn .... bloody, bloody porn!!!!! I can't tell you how often my XH and I had arguments over the amount of porn he looked at on the internet. And as for 'acting you' these porn acts, OMG! I so feel for you as I know exactly how you feel. I remember coming home one day from work and he had bought me a red pvc zip up outfit (horrendous!) and red high heels that no-one could walk in (and I reckon even SJP would have struggled!!) and some red lipstick!!! Every time he wanted sex after that he wanted me to wear all of that!!!!! And he would plan it down to the T and go on about it all day long!!
He never admitted that he had a problem with the porn ... in the end it was a vicious circle cos I said I wouldn't have sex with himunless he stopped and he said if we weren't having sex then he needed to look at the porn!!
I can totally sympathise with the 'any kind of physical contact' leading to sex too .... he did that all the time. There was no physical contact at all unless he wanted sex, no kisses, no cuddles!

There were many other issues too that resulted in me leaving, but the porn was always an issue and being treated like a porn star. In the end all I wanted was some respect and for him to want ME! Not the woman he tried to make me be by dressing up all the time!

LOL @ Nemofish.... and invite his handsome friend over to the house... actually maybe going a bit far there... sorry

size isnt evrything believe u me

Just the one, RudeEnglishLady?

I am thinking that soemtimes plumbers, and indeed whole teams of hunky and scantily dressed builders could surprise a girl by coming around unexpectedly (ahem)