How much does a baby change your relationship?

[JulesEH]

I am 33 and have only been with my second husband for 2 1/2 years (married for 6 months). It is a completely different marriage from my first - which was a difficult one. I am now totally happy and love the life that we have together. My friends have started having babies and are expecting me to be next. I just worry that having a baby will change the relationship we have now and stop us doing many of the things we still have left to experience together. Does anyone else feel like this or do I have a completely selfish attitude? Is it wrong to want to wait for another couple of years or time-wise should I really be starting now? I am really confused!

Jules, even couples with hordes of nannies and all the support under the sun will say that children have changed their relationship. If you are in any doubt at all I would wait for a couple more years. I started having children at 28 - I'd been with dh just over 3 years when I got pregnant with dd1 - and I really struggled with 'freedom issues' in the first few years. Not that I regret anything AT ALL but I have to say that one of the hardest things to get my head around was the feeling of being totally and utterly depended upon, it almost felt claustrophobic, and I really missed spontaneity.

It changes everything - your sex life, equality of roles within the home, fighting over who 'has' to have the dcs next because one of you had them for two hours that morning, fighting over housework, lack of sleep, no lazy Sunday mornings together in bed, no reading the papers, no easy pub lunches on a sunny afternoon. It all becomes very functional.

My two are now 4 and 6, and things are amazing. It's a cliché to say that the dds have enriched our lives in a way that I never thought possible, but it's true! The thought of a life without two beautiful creatures that we created together doesn't bear thinking about, but still dh and I still argue over ho does the dishwasher like we never did before!

I'd say that if your marriage/relationship is strong having a child together is likely to make it stronger and change it in ways which may seem undesirable now but would be wonderful if they happened (can't overestimate the positive impact of a child - they're great). If there are holes in the relationship though I wouldn't remotely consider having a child - it certainly shows who/how people really are...

I agree with BelleDameSansMerci, Our DD is 4months old and we are closer than ever before, she had a tough start to life and was in NICU for a week and just the way we pulled together through that was amazing. Yes we squabble a bit more than we did before because of the exhaustion but that is fine and we both adore our little girl and seeing the way DH completely dotes on her makes me love him even more. So it can definitely strengthen a relationship, but ours was very strong already and I can definitely see that if we had any wobbles about each other before having kids those wobbles would have got bigger as you would feel trapped into staying.

Lenin, for me it got easier when dd1 started school and dd2 funded playgroup - there is only a year and a half between my two so all that happened around the same time. I would say when your youngest is about three. But everyone's experience is different - it depends on your tolerance levels, nature of the children etc.

Agree that you cannot 'band aid' a relationship with a baby, but beware that even if you think your relationship is rock solid now (I did - and it still is, relatively) you won't know for sure until the two of you haven't slept for three nights, the house is a tip and he then asks you, "What's for dinner?"

I'm painting a joyous picture aren't I?

For me and my hubby it made us stronger as a couple, and made up grow up quickly.

I caught on quite quickly with DS1 and we was married when DS1 was 12 weeks old. We grew up alot during the pregnancy months, realizing what was round the corner etc etc.

I wouldnt say it changed us (well not DH but me- another matter) but it deffinatley made up stronger.

definitely get some time together as a couple first - you need to have a couple of years of just you two to look back on and remember how well you got on when things get a little fraught...

it wrecks it

I would say if there ar certian things you want to experience before lo's come along make sure you do them now. Life will change forever but in a good way. It all depends on your attitude too, you can do anything if you put your mind to it but some things are just easier to do before lo's come along for eg: going to the cinema, rock concerts, relaxing holidays spending hours sunbathing etc etc

It will test your relationship to the limits but if it's as good as you say it will only make it stronger.

It has had some positive effects on my relationship, we don't argue about every little thing as we have learnt more self control and don't want to shout around the kids. Having said that, in the early days the tiredness causes lots of general bickering. We make more of time off from work instead of just vegging out and 'wasting' time like we used to (what I wouldn't give for one day vegging out now though!)

I would say do what you want, don't be pressured in to it cause everyone else is doing it. If you feel like waiting a bit then do! If I could go back in time I would save a load of money up too as things are tight now i've decided to stay home till they're a bit older.

Completely not selfish and you would be daft if you weren't worried. I think thebolter has summarised the experience beautifully.

The thing is, in my experience, the longer you leave the decision, the easier it does not get! I left it for years until dh pointed out I was 38 and we'd better get cracking.

Thanks wahwah

Thanks everyone that has made me feel a lot better. My friends have all been with their partners a lot longer so when they start questioning me I now know what to say!

As others have said, having DCs does inalterably change the structure of your relationship, so you do need to feel ready in yourself for it.

However, as you are 33 you do need to think about how many DCs you want. If you think you are likely to want more than 1 then you don't really have time to give it a couple of years as secondary fertility issues may start looming.

Sorry to sound grim but I speak from personal experience.