Sorry this might be LONG . . . . .

[LuminousAura]

I know there is a lot of trolling on here at the moment so I had to think hard before posting, but anyway if I even get one or two helpful replies then any flaming will have been worth it, so here goes,

Life has been very difficult over the past couple of years with 3 DC, full time job and the usual daily problems that most people have. I have no family close by and DP only has his mother (who is a whole post in herself!)

DP was a recovering addict when we met, he had been clean for 6 months but he didn't tell me about any of this, I found out myself about 10 months after we met (and yes, I was snooping!) I should have walked away then I guess, but I didn't. I stayed and I helped and supported him and things were good, he went to college, then Uni, got a good job and we were able to fund a pretty decent lifestyle - mortgage, car, holidays etc.

A couple of years ago he started taking codeine based painkillers and subsequently developed an addiction. I didn't realise the full extent of it until about a year ago. This has affected our relationship in so many negative ways but most notably is that I have no trust in him, I no longer respect him and I'm not sure if I even love him any more.

He is now attending detox and trying to turn things around by helping with the DC and in the house when he can (which isn't really that much as often he is physically and mentally incapable).

I have tried to talk to him about a separation as i feel that I just need a break from him and the stress but he won't even contemplate it, he tells me that he cannot recover from his addiction without me by his side and that without me and the kids he has no reason to give up and nothing to live for. I feel like I am being emotionally blackmailed (and not for the first time)

I just don't know which way to turn, maybe someone else has been through this or knows of a different approach I could use with him?

I am always tired and starting to be irritable with the DC, I feel stressed and worried and burst into tears quite a lot.

As a personality type DP is quite selfish and self-centred, he also lacks maturity but I'm not sure whether this is inherent or related to the addiction? I can't seem to remember what he was like before all this started.

I'm sorry if I haven't been clear on what help/support I need from MN, i just need a starting point, I think because there is so much shit going on and one issue just has a tendancy to snowball on and I feel completely overwhelmed

i'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed
you can't leave a relationship in which you are unhappy because your partner's recovery depends on it. that's neither true nor fair.
he sounds very manipulative, which can be characteristic of a person with an addiction, as can the tendency to deceive.
have you sought help from the support services for the partners of addicts? i have seen a thread somewhere on MN for the partners of addicts.
i think you really need some support, and quickly x

Thanks maristella, there doesn't seem to be much support in the area, also I work in a related field (alcohol/mental health) so I'm concerned about meeting people (staff or service users) that I know through work.

It's actually the hardest thing, having nowhere to talk/vent about it all as it's all so secret My best friend recently moved away, she was the only person I could confide in and e-mail/phone just aren't the same. So thought I would try on here!

i can totally see why it's difficult for you to access such services, that's really tough.
and i expect you feel compromised professionally too, i know i would. don;t forget that support services are half full of staff who have had personal (direct or indrect) experience of the problems they are supporting.
with regards to the break you need from him: it doesn't matter if her will not entertain the idea, it's your decision and his behaviour has contributed ernomously to this decision. his recovery from addiction is not your responsibility, but it seems to be a stick he will beat you with, like his trump card.

he will still be a parent whether your relationship survives this or not, you need to be really firm with him on that. he took addictive substances as a parent, knowing that with his history he should be careful, and he has to take responsibility for that.
please do not let him push you any closer to the edge

I was thinking I should just take some time off work and go to my parents with the DC (but they live 300 miles away so it takes a bit of arranging)

and if he chooses to relapse in that time then I have my answer regarding his commitment to our family and being clean.

and I think theres no difference in the substance he's using, what I mean is I bet he was no better off on the painkillers than he was on Heroin, he was still lying, cheating, breaking the law and spending money we didn't have. He has lost several jobs through it and is virtually unemployable in this area so long term we will have to move so he can return to work. I will have to give up a job and house that I love.

I feel so bloody resentful towards him and I wonder if that will ever change?

I'm also angry with myself, why didn't I act sooner? Or just leave? etc etc and it's driving me mad!

just read your post and wanted to share my story. I have been married for 14 years and have four wonderful kids. Three years ago my DH became very ill and almost died. After he had been in hospital for a couple of weeks he confessed to me that he'd been using amphetamines long term and that they were the likely cause of his illness. I was as you can imagine horrified but so stressed by the fallout from his illness that I just didnt deal with it. I had to cope with my kids fears that they were going to lose their dad and they all exhibited stress in different ways. After he came out of hospital my DH became depressed re change in his circumstances and offered no help to me with day to day life. He was retired from work and had to take huge doses of steroids which caused frequent outbursts of verbal aggression - there were times when i had to phsically put myself between him and my DS.
For all these reasons and many more I no longer love my DH and dream of splitting up so I can live a happier life with my DC.

Hi mumandfourkids

Thanks for posting, this must be so so hard for you and maybe a bit scary? I have dreams that DP is using Heroin and I wake up sweaty and shaking and feeling petrified. He swears to me that he would never do this but he has lied to me so many times about so many different things that I can never fully trust him again.

I have arranged to visit my parents with the DC, DP is very unhappy about this and got very angry and aggressive at one point accusing me of leaving with DC in an underhand way etc

I just need to get away from him and the situation as the stress is making me ill.

I hope things will work out for you soon mumandfourkids my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

illness or addiction..if there is no love left or no respect,you must leave. move on. life is so short,and dc invariably pick up on bad vibes. its no example to thenm