I really need some advice about my mother in law

[staryeyed83]

Good Evening Everyone,

I have joined here as i am in great need of some advice, although i can talk to my mum about most things, i feel that i have talked so much to her about this aituation that i cant bare to out talk her anymore.

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years, and married for 4 weeks. I have a daughter from a previous, who is 6 (her dad is not in her life at all). im 26 and he is 31

Before i continue i am not trying to be a b*ch... at all...

When i met my husband, i knew i wanted to be with him.. Anyhow we got to know each other, he started coming round for tea etc.. When he started staying over, his mum would call him, or he would call her to say he is staying at mine... providing he lived next door, directly next door... he rented the house from her.

i thought this was very thoughtful at first, and thought it was very caring how he took his mum shopping every saturday... seeing that his dad was deceased. I didnot actually realise the extent of what was actually going on untill i started staying there more and more frequently.

She would call at silly times, from next door and ask if i had a problem with her, i invited her for tea and she made a comment about the heat of my curry, implying that cos i was black i like it hot... suggested that it was better if i move in with her son next door as my home was small anyway.. (i set up my home myself, and was proud even if it was small).. tried putting me off him by refering to his remission of cancer, claiming its a big responsibility..

I am not going to list everything, but these comments have hurt me deeply and i have tried talking in the past about it to my husband and he has never stood up for me for spoke to her about it... he just says i dont want to speak to her, she does my head in.

I have left before because i couldnt take it, and have even blown my top with her over the phone.. (yes from next door).

My husband first lived here with his ex fiance and his mum did up the house where we live, they lived here for 2 years and were together 9 years. When they split up his mum bought his ex's engagement ring at the full price he paid, and doesnt wear it.. she said she didnt want him out of pocket.

I have said about moving, he always makes excuses... i can understand where he is coming from about money as i have just finished uni... but everytime we talk about moving to her she get funny and cries.

I pay rent to live here and its a shared garden, she has a dog that poos alover the garden... ive even asked for a fence and she said are we trying to shut her out amnd a fence wont work...

We are now married, and looking back of the photos she doesnt look happy at all, and my husband doesnt really want to listen when i say. for about a year i havent let it get to me, i think its because i was busy with the wedding and uni.

She gone back to phoning everyday about anything, i really understand she is lonely and i take her shopping once a month, invite her for tea etc..., whilst my husband makes out he doesnt want to do anything with her.

I open the back door and she is there, we have a bbq and she comes out, we go out and come in and she rings, if i go out she rings the house to catch my husband on his own. I feel that i cant talk about having a future with him in front of her or moving else where as she doesnt like it...

My mum lives 30 mins away anmd she calls sometimes everyday, but i dont see her everyday maybe once a week...

God i sound like a cow dont i.... ireally dont mean to, im feeling unhappy at the moment and feel i cant discuss it with my husband as he throws things back at me about my mum or other things..

His mum has helped us finacially by changing upstairs from a one bedroom to a two, helped with a electric bill and our wedding as my husband could only contribute £300 as i had savings.. so his mum paid a quater wgich im so grateful of....

I just dont know what to do... help please..

You are not being a bitch. But I will say do not ever let the inlaws pay for stuff as you can get into the guilt trap. He clearly needs to let go and grow up a bit. Whilst your mil needs to let go and allow your partner to grow. She is being unreasonable. Perhaps try again to speak to your partner and make it clear that you want a life with HIM and not him + mil. Set out a few rules about phonecalls and speak to her. Tell him what are going to say first though so she cant twist your words.

It doesn't sound good for her to be that dependant on you. Your husband has done her no favours by being her only friend and not making her be more self relient. I would never have moved next door to my MIL, that would be a deal maker for me.
If she's not a frail 90 year old then I'd try and talk your husband round to moving far enough away that she won't be always popping in.
I wonder if the mother/son enmeshment was behind his previous relationship failing as well?

deal breaker, not deal maker.

One word, MOVE

Thank you for your replies, funnily enough I speak to his ex but not on that level, we tend to keep them out of our friendship.
She is 63 and still works. She goes on holiday 2 a year and every Saturday. When she is busy we never hear from her... Yet when we have friends round she purposely goes to the bin or in the back garden to see... (to get to the bin you go past our window)..

His ex was quiet and I think she wanted to move but he didn't. At first I didn't want to move in but wanted to be with him. When we sugessted changing carpet and other stuff she went mad as she paid for it. I understand you point about never get the to pay or buy stuff... I feel backed into a corner. I think she has used money as a weapon to get his attention, he is money orientated.. As I am giving.. He's tight, which had it's advantages.

Grrr... I'm sat here on the bed and I'm so fustrated about it all. Just when I thought I'd put it away in the back of my mind, or blocked it out if you will....

it sounds a nightmare. By hook or by crook you have to move.

That's quite weird that your husband's mother paid her son the amount of money that he 'wasted' on the first fiancee's ring!! I don't know what to make of that but it's definitely odd. The relationship still happened even if it didn't work out. why would she give her son the amount of money that the ring cost?! That is so odd. I can't quite articulate why but I think that is really strange. LIke, she was writing the girl friend out of his history. Re-writing history.

I thought that was pretty odd myself to be honest, my mum would of told me tough... Learn your lesson.. That's if I was a guy and bought the ring.

He reasons were she didn't want him to be out of pocket... What I found strange was how she wanted to try on his wedding ring when he told it off for a second.. (because it is new, the skin unferneath has gone a bit funny, so took it off to show her.... Odd again I know)..

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