How to not repeat our parents mistakes?

[Careerminded]

A thread has got me thinking about how we make sure we don't make the same mistakes as our parents.

My Mum can be pretty manipulative and whilst we were growing up she would give us the silent treatment if we didn't please her. She would just stop talking to us and we would do well at school to please her, rather than because we wanted to etc.

My Grandma (Mum's Mum) died recently and it was obvious that she was very much like this with my Mum, but also showed no warmth to her. My mum has always been loving and can be incredibly supportive. Although we will usually have to 'pay' for it in some way later.

I am becoming aware that I can be like this with my husband and am beginning to wonder if I am actually pretty manipulative.
For example we recently had a big fight after he was away for work for a few days. I was all fine with him going and then fine when he away, but when he came back I gave him the silent treatment and made it about me.
He told me that he is anxious coming home as he doesn't know what kind of mood I'll be in .

I also catch myself wanting the kids to behave better because of how it is making me feel and emotionally blackmailing them to be better.

I don't want to be this person. How do we make sure we don't repeat these patterns?

I think knowing you are doing it means you have a level of self-awareness that was probably lacking in your mother and grandmother.
I think identifying it is a huge step in stopping it actually.

That is what I was hoping someone would say. Maybe asking DH to let me know when he sees me behaving like my Mother as he knows only too well what she is like.

I dentifying it is a huge step. So well done

However, the natural reaction is to not do whichever behaviour you identified as unpleasant in your own parents - hence, I imagine, why your mother was warm where hers was cold. It takes quite a bit more digging to deal with the entire thing, as those behaviours are always part of a system, or syndrome, of feelings and attitudes.

In your case, a very good start would be to ask DH to pick you up when you're being arsey - though you may have to convince him you've developed enough self-awareness to accept his remarks!

In his book, "Homecoming", John Bradshaw says that an 'adult child' cannot be a truly good parent until they've healed themselves. Stately Homers would, I think, agree. The book is very intense and might not be suitable for your purpose. But there are others, notably Lucia Cappachionne's "Recovery of Your Inner Child" workbook. In the end, it's up to you how much psychological work you're prepared to do. I can tell you it's worth it.

I second what Katisha says. Make sure you act on it rather than forget about it though... but not at the expense of losing who you are. I mean.. you cant go your whole life acting a saint if youre not! But you can treat your husband and children with repsect and not manipulate them.

I think manipulating someone is pretty much one of the most cruel and damaging things you can do.

bump

Thanks everyone.

What you said ItsGraceAgain about being an adult child really struck me.
I just want to parent my children without any of the emotional baggage - but is it possible? We are all surely made from our life experiences? I will take a look at those books thanks.

One of the big problems with my Mother is the lack of self awareness, she has no idea she did to us what her Mother did to her.
And whilst I do have self awareness, I may just have self awareness of things that are alright and not realise what I am doing wrong.
Does that make sense?