Son's new girlfriend

[redredwhine]

I have been a single mum to my son, now 23, since my exH and I adopted him aged 3. He had a difficult early life - separated from his brothers, in and out of care etc.
At 16 he and his girlfriend had a baby and he was present at the birth, cut the cord etc and tried hard to be a proper dad, despite being a child himself.
Eventually neither of them could cope - they had a flat together - and the girl went off and married a former boyfriend and now has another child. My son continues to contribute towards his child.
My son eventually met another girl and they had an intense relationship for two years before that too imploded.
He is now involved with another woman, 5 years older than him, with a son aged 8. They don't live together yet because she is waiting for a council house.
He now tells me this girl is pregnant, by him, and they are really happy about it. There's no point in me being angry or lecturing him about the situation, although I am not happy about it. He seems to have a drive towards settling down and making his own family
The thing is, I have not yet met this woman, despite asking my son dozens of times. I offered to drop her a card and invite her to tea, asked him if he would like to bring the little boy to meet my dogs, tried everything. My son just says she works long hours and has no time. This has been going on for months.
I can't help feeling there is some kind of problem here but not sure what it is. Any ideas?

Maybe he realises that he has a track record of unsuccessful relationships and feels that you might be appraising his girlfriend?

Not saying that you would, but he probably feels quite anxious about getting it right this time.

Give it time, when he wants the two of you to meet, it'll happen.

I do understand that you must be keen to meet her - another grandchild! I'd be stalking her tbh but I'm a nosy cow.

There's no point in me being angry or lecturing him about the situation, although I am not happy about it.

What is it you aren't happy about?

I think you should be more worried about why he does not want you to meet her than the fact that she is pg. Could she be more than 5 years older than him?

I think EcoMouse's question is a good place to start. Perhaps he knows or senses that you are unhbappy? Could you examine your own feelings about this and discuss them with him?

You need to meet her, if necessary tell him you don't want to lose contact with this grandchild. Try to be positive, especially when talking to him, but make it clear you want to be part of his life and this includes meeting his partner.

On the positive side, my cousin got involved with an older woman with 3 kids when he was 17. Despite all our negative thoughts they are still together 10+ year later and seem very happy.

he's scared of what you will think i guess. He's 23 though, and needs to feel like a man, a provider. is he living at home?

Mummytime, that could be construed as overbearing at the least. Op needs to do no such thing!

Trying to bully her way in will not pave the way for a harmonious future. OP's son and partner are entitled to their autonomy and I think a more gentle, communicative and respectful approach would be more likely to create a more positive atmosphere.

Still, I do think the root of the issue could be whatever the cause of the OP's unhappiness about the situation between her son and his partner.

EcoMouse sorry...I didn't mean to be over bearing. I would need to meet my child's partner, that is my emotional need. Not a legal right, I believe the OP had the same feelings.

Just meeting for a quick coffee, maybe somewhere neutral? At least to be on birthday and Christmas card terms. And I do believe grandparents have needs too.

Ecomouse do you have a specific problem which is why you over reacted IMHO? Or is there something else?

What's the rush to meet the gf?

Surely in time you will meet her, she will be a part of your life as well as your son's.

She is a single mum, working full time, with an 8 yr old, so the excuse of her beiung busy is probably real, rather than a deliberate attempt to not let you meet her.

OP what is it that is making yuo feel there is some sort of probelm here?

Are you sure they're still together? Maybe the relationship has broken up or in trouble and he's too ashamed to admit to you that he's having another baby with a woman he is no longer in a relationship with.

It could also be that he's lied about his own past to her and doesn't want you to tell her the truth. It might be nothing like this, but I think you're right to suspect there's something not quite right here.

Mummytime, I disagree with you therefore I'm over reacting?

You may have misunderstood. I didn't mean your post was overbearing but that I disagreed with your advice to the OP to behave in an overbearing manner.

OP's wish to meet her son's partner should not be confused with a need that has to be met. It is not a situation that can be forced with any positive outcome but one which IMO requires a more gentle, communicative and respectful approach, as I said before.

why do you need to meet his new partner?

if my mother was pushing me to introduce a partner i would be more inclined to take as long as possible to introduce.

meeting the MIL can be very scarey. new partner could also have these concerns
a) your son has praised you to the high heavens and she's worried she wont live up to your standards.
b)your son has made you out to be a bit pushy and overbearing if he tells his new gf you are continually pushing to meet
c)maybe she's emotional, pg and not feeling very great about herself and building up the courage to meet.

i dont know you, or your story, so cant say if you are being pushy or he is hiding her from you (as previously mentionned perhaps she is even older than he has admitted).

i'm just going from what has been posted.

I am not really happy about the fact that my son already has a child, has fathered a second one and is heavily involved with a woman who has a child of her own. I want him to be happy, but I am worried that this situation could end up as before - ie another fatherless child.
I am not in a rush to meet her, just think it is reasonable as she is 7 months pg and I have never even seen her.
Over the years I have stood by my son while he has got himself into all sorts of trouble and done my best to support him. I am not overbearing, not pressurising him, just concerned and curious.
He lives in a flat on his own but spends his nights at hers - spending lots of extra money on rent etc. One or both of them seem reluctant to find a place together. He never has any spare cash so this arrangement doesn't make sense.
I am prepared to be patient, just wondered what other people thought.

RRW - how long has he been in the relationship?
It must be at least 7 months if she is that pregnant so imo, in your position, I too would be worried I had not met her.

Why is he spending lots of extra money on rent? Is he paying her rent as well as his?

The arrangement they have may not make sense to you but it will to them. It doesn't need to make sense to you, although I can imagine why you might find it concerning, it really is their business.

There is never a time that can be entirely perfect to have children. The best laid plans can still falter, as you know yourself.

There's always the risk that any child could end up 'fatherless' (to varying degrees) but there's also the chance that this relationship will work. Do you have any realistic reason to believe it wont? Because if it does, your DS might have the opportunity to create the family you think he craves and may well prove to be a wonderful step-dad too - which would mean not only a baby with a father but also another child with another caring adult in their life.

If he's staying overnight at her place and they're having a baby together, then he really should be contributing there. I'm assuming he's not coming home to you all day, but going off to work, so that = living with her even though he has his own flat. It's up to them to figure out if they can afford to maintain his flat as well as her place, but you've already stated their rationale for this (she's waiting for a council house) so no need for you to worry there either. If they're a couple, then they probably have made joint financial decisions and these decisions are none of your business really. This is a woman who has a job and a child and seems to be managing ok on her own, and she is probably capable of taking care of things, financially, for herself.

You seem to be characterising your DS's relationship as some sort of trouble, something that does not bode well for him, and you also seem to be suspicious of the woman he is now with, and reluctant to see your DS as a responsible party as far as his relationship goes this time round. The baby at 16 could be written off as a youthful mistake, but he has got older at this point, and I think his reluctance to involve you in his life now is his way of telling you he wants to put a bit of distance between the two of you. He possibly wants you to show signs of accepting him and his life and not thinking of his decisions as making trouble for himself, but instead just as someone making their own way through their own life, warts and all. Maybe he feels there are negative vibes coming from you that make him doubt himself or would put off his gf, and he wants to nurture this relationship as much as possible.

Thanks for all your advice. Perhaps I should just mind my own business.

Well I think it's unusual that you haven't met his girlfriend - if they're having a baby and considering living together then I would have thought even a short meeting appropriate, however it sounds like you'll have to hold back and wait for him/them to make a move.

Make sure he knows you're happy to meet her, but don't push for it, just try and leave it.

I hope it goes ok, it must be hard to stand back, but I think you have to give him a chance to sort himself out.

My brother had a baby a few months ago with an on/off girlfriend who he only introduced to my parents a couple of days before she went into labour.

He let my Mum go to the hospital to see the baby but my Dad had a stomach upset so didn't go - in the 6 months since she was born there haven't been any further contacts as my brother says that the GF (off at the moment I think) is busy.

I hope you get to meet the GF and your grandchild in due time - my parents would love to have a relationship with their only granddaughter.

redredwhine

Sound like great candidates for the Jeremy Kyle show. Free counselling and all that.

Thanks for that Osama, so kind of you.

How horrible you are Osama.

Take no notice of that completely unnecessary and unkind post OP.