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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH confuses me

21 replies

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 22:06

we had a big long talk the other night about communication. he is forces and lives away, getting home 1 or 2 weekends a month. the gist of the conversation was that he feels we dont talk enough and when he rings he finds the conversations boring.he thinks a normal couple should talk everyday. (which is normal if you live together) i feel that when we do talk, he shys away from anything too serious and wont discuss problems openly or honestly enough for us to be able to move forward. if he is pissed off he huffs rather than talk about it. i am the opposite i wear my heart on my sleeve and cant bottle things, i need to get things out in the open, deal with them and move on. also when he does ring i agree with him that the conversation can go a bit stale because there is often little to talk about if he rang the night before.

anyway, we agreed to put in a bit more effort in the communication department and i came home on monday. since then he rang once and texts have been few and far between. he is taking exams and had a big one on today and was finishing his day ay 11. so i guessed that the lack of contact was due to his studying. but i texted him earlier today to see how the exam went and he has only just texted back telling me he thinks it went ok. no asking how we all are or how the ds1''s induction day went or even if our landlord has fixed our oven yet. but yet i noticed he has been commenting on FB how his exam went straight after it finished.

i'm just a bit confused, he says he wants us to talk more but he doesn't keep in touch and when he does he doesn't ask how we are even though he knows we have stuff going on. it just seems to be all about him.

i dont know, am i just being a bit...something?

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 03/06/2010 22:09

no, i don't thikn you are being a bit 'something'

he wants more talkng and communictiaon but is not responding or reciprocating

he is not acting like you are a priority

is he your DSs father?

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 22:15

yes he is the father of both dses.

i can understand that because he is away, he forgets what is happening in our day to day lives but i remember what is happening with him aswell as everything i have to remember and do here so it just annoys me because i know if i hadn't texted asking about his exam he would have been annoyed thinking i didn't care.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 03/06/2010 22:21

wow, i kind of presumed that the lack of interest re DS1 could perhaps be explained away by him not bieng his biological father, or not being your DP for a long time. not that that would be an excuse. IFYSWIM?

if he has time for facebook, he has time to talk to you or respond to your texts

and to remember his children are still growing up and life is going on without him being there, and he needs to remember that when it is not in front of him

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 22:26

exactly. the FB thing is a reoccurring theme. there have been times before where i have texted, asking what he has been up to or maybe about something specific and dont get an answer only to see later that he has been on and off fB throughout the day. the thing is, he FBs from his phone so realy no excuse.

he is too self absorbed isn't he? i just dont get how he can have a go at me for us not talking often enough and then carry on like this.

OP posts:

MrsSawdust · 03/06/2010 22:28

So, let me get this right ...

He finds your conversations boring, but he doesn't ask how things are at your end. Asking after the other person and showing interest in them is a basic rule of conversation, so he really needs to look at his own technique before complaining.

Fwiw I find phone conversations really difficult, even with dh. I can never find anything interesting to say. I think it's the pressure of having to sustain talk with no gaps for thought, making a cuppa, watching the dc etc. And not seeing someone's facial reactions is tough too.

I much prefer talking to dh face to face and we can still find plenty to chat about even after 18 years. But not on the phone.

I do see that in your situation you don't have much opportunity for face to face talk. But I wonder if you're communication while he's away might be better done by long emails, with perhaps a 5 minute phone call just to say goodnight. That way you get to tell each otherall your news without waiting to be asked, and it could be a little bit romantic too - like sending love letters.

Just a suggestion.

Lulumaam · 03/06/2010 22:29

it does seem quite self absorbed to ask for more communication then not fulfil that himslef. and to facebook rather than talk to you, it's quite thoughtless and insultng

perhaps when he is next home, youneed to be more direct with him and tell him exactly how you feel and that he needs to fulfil his part of the relationship too

i imagine if you are rather selfish, it is very easy, when away from home, to get totally involved in your own day to day stuff, but not showing interest in the children is terribly sad too

MrsSawdust · 03/06/2010 22:31

your not you're. Grr!

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 22:34

i find phone conversations difficult too MrsS but i really do make the effort for OH because he is away and i want him to feel as involved with the dc and what is going on here.

what bothers me more is that he went to the bother of bringing it up the other night, (with encouragement because i could tell something was bothering him) but now he is making no more effort than he was. it is as if he is expecting me to make the whole thing better by myself. as if the problem is me.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 22:56

Nor do I. He does, indeed, seem a tad self-absorbed. Or, at least, insufficiently absorbed with his family. When you look at his FB, does it give you any clues about what is taking up his attention?

Although the exams would be a good enough excuse I think - it's just weird that he raised the communication issue.

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 22:58

Sorry, wrote that post then forgot to hit send.
Mrs.S makes good points, imo. Can you skype each other? Cheaper and you can use a camera!

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 23:04

no, it is just status updates on FB. he used to spend a lot of time on 'mob wars' but that seems to have lost it's appeal. he has been studying loads, well that is all i get anytime i ask what he has been up to. i even posted last week that i thought he was getting too bogged down with it because he seemed constantly worried about it. but the big exam was today so the pressure is off for a while. i was expecting him to ring in a good mood and say he is feeling relieved it is all over but nothing until the text hours after i texted him.

we have talked in the past about him needing to take more of an interest in the boys and he says they are all he thinks about. he gets upset and says he wishes he could be here. how it's alright for me being here all the time. when we were together over the weekend (without the boys) i mentioned taht i missed them and that i hoped ds2 hadn't taken his first steps while i was away. he got upset saying "how do you think i feel, i never get to see them." i reall do try and be sensitive but it feels liek i cant win. if i mention them i am wrong if i dont mention them i am wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 23:05

he gets free calls to our house so cost isn't an issue.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:10

well, I was thinking more about the benefits of video calling (skype to skype is free)

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:10

or MSN, you can video call on that too

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 23:11

ahh, right.

do you think it would be much different if he isn't even ringing or texting now?

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:12

Is he hating his job or where he's posted, by any chance?

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:12

Yes, I do. People who aren't all that verbal often get on much better with viseo. Also, he can see the kids.

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 23:17

he is on a course all this year and is getting frustrated with it. i can totally understand that but we still exist aswell. life is still happening here. he will always be posted away from home. we live in northern ireland and it would be very unlikely that he will ever be posted here and it would only be for a few months if he did. he knows this.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:23

Sounds like a bummer. It sounds (to me) as if he's not very happy all round and feeling too separate from evrything he holds dear. He probably meant what he said about communication - wants to feel more closeness, I'm guessing - but doesn't realise he lacks the necessary skills!

I do feel it's worth sorting yourselves out with video calling. If your machine hasn't got it built in, you can buy a decent webcam with the software already built in for about £60. Just decide whether you're going to use Skype or MSN - you need to both be using the same one for free calls & easy connection.

That way, he can see the baby, and bigger kids just love video calls

Original poster

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 23:28

i do think he meant what he said aswell, i know he finds it really hard being away, i just wish he realised this meant he has to do something aswell.

i will talk with him tomorrow and try and get this across to him. also mention teh webcam idea. thanks grace.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 03/06/2010 23:34

good luck

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