Scared to make the final decision, but know I'm not in love.

[hippetyhoppety]

Hello,

I'm very new to all this, but really really need to talk to someone.

I have been with my DH for 10 years married for 5, 3 beautiful children.

Recently I have been reflecting over our years together, which have been hard, the first year was awful as he was very insecure, and took along time to trust. If I'd have been stronger I should have walked then, but I wasn't, I have been telling myself that I obviously loved him to stay with him, but now I think I was just weak. I would even stay home alone when he went to visit his friend 300 miles away because he couldn't cope with the thought of me going out.

Through all this, he did realise that he had a problem and has changed a lot. I can even go out, and he trusts me completely now. I have often felt controlled about many things, money, choices, decisions etc. He is a very clever person and can talk the talk, and I usually end up apologising, and reassuring him that I do love him.

But recently I am questioning how strong my love really is. He loves me soooo much, but I don't feel that I have ever loved him as much as he loves me, which is now where I have the problem. He has changed over the years, and there are women out there that would love to be loved the way he loves me, and now on the whole I don't have much to complain about. I feel selfish that he has found the one, but she isn't feeling the same.

I have a "low sex drive" which he is very understanding about. See... why am I complaining, but I really want to want it, but even the sex is controlled, sure he meets my needs but always on his terms, follows the same pattern and i can never lead the way, but now i don't think i could, I get very shy when talking about sex to him.

For the last 3 yearsish, I just don't know who I am any more, I'm not the happy bubbly person that I used to be. I feel my most relaxed on the 3 days a week when I am at work.

I told him the other day about my worries and about how I'm not attracted to him at all, and ever since he has been all over me, trying to show me how much he loves me. Whenever we do have sex I cry inside afterwards.

He is a good Dad, getting better even. If there weren't the children involved then I truly believe that I wouldn't be with him, but there is, and I feel so bad for bringing them into this world, all planned, then making so many people unhappy, just because I'm not. I know life is too short and all that, but how could I do that to my babies.

I have managed to reassure him for now, and every time he asks me if everything is ok, or I tell him I love him, I'm really not sure I mean it.

Please is there anyone out there that can pass on any advice, good or bad it'd be appreciated.

Sorry I waffled, thank you for reading if you made it this far!!

Sometimes people go off their partners physically for a while? I think there have been other threads about this.

How about starting hobbies, meeting new people, trying to "find" yourself?

If you just don't love him anymore you can't fake that, it's deciding what you are going to do about it.......

Hi hippety - I have no real advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say that I completely get everything you have written, I feel exactly the same about my dh (there are other anger related issues too).

I know how it feels to say I love you through gritted teeth and to feel like a horrible selfish person. Will be watching this thread.

How horrible for you, I can't imagine what it's like for you. As I haven't been in this situation I'm not sure I can give very helpful advise, but I couldn't read and run.

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for the way you feel about him - lord knows you've tried to feel for him the way he does you - you can't force this stuff.

As for staying with him for the sake of your children, do you think you would be a happier person if you left the relationship? If yes, then surely this is what's best for them. You sound completely devoted to them so I can't imagine their lives being any less full of love and contentment than they already are.

You aren't a selfish person, to me it sounds like you were scared of being alone and that's what kept you with him for so long. ?

Thank you so much, it's lovely to just hear from other people. I do have someone to talk to, but I'm aware that I probably sound like a broken record to her!!

I don't know what piece of advice I'm looking for, I know that its only me that can make any decision. I just want to make sure that I don't make this decision lightly.

I've got to the point now, where I really would want to be on my own, no man to be able to control me in any way, the children are my priority, but I want to be selfish to at least make my own decisions.

I know I will always be linked to my DH, and I know he would always be there for the children.

God its hard to make that step to hurt this person so much.

Thank you again

Hippety if you have a dd - and in how ever many years she presented you with what you have told us - what would you tell her?

You have a life too and cannot make it just about your DC.... You have to take a step back and look at what you want.

That doesn't necessarilly mean rushing out and separating but perhaps make some conscious efforts to do positive things for you that are out of your norm and see how that might empower you in the medium term.

There was another thread on here where a DH was similar to yours - but was termed as being abusive for being so controlling - ( he was a lot more controlling than you have described here) which is what it is ( controlling not necess abusive) but he has taken away your ability to be spontaneous over the years through HIS issues.

Hippety I could have written some of your post myself. I think in my case the only thing I can do is to leave but I don't know yet how I'm going to go about this but am slowly making plans.

I've started by being honest with friends in RL about how I feel - I told someone yesterday and I was surprised by her reaction. She told me she was shocked by the way my DP treats me sometimes and brought up an incident when he was horrid to me in front of her and I can't even remember it. It is one of many such occasions but it shocked me that I have no memory of it.

I suggested to my DP a few weeks ago that we went to Relate but he refused and has since been all over me like a rash and acting as though nothing has happened. I am trying not to feel guilty - if I think about how I would react if he had asked me to go to counselling there is no way I would try and brush things aside and pretend nothing was the matter.

Also since then I have been reading posts on MN and other stuff and it has slowly dawned on me just how abusive my DP is and I realise that Relate probably isn't the answer. And it sounds to me like you partner is abusive too. Sometimes you can put up with something for a long time but you reach a stage where you just can't any more. Is this true for you? I don't think you should feel guilty about it though. You can't change the way you feel or your partner's behaviour.

Hiya,
Your story really pulls at my heart strings ... this is something that I've been going through for the last 2 years.

My (now ex!) DH and I were married for 6 years and have two boys 5 and 2. It took me 18 months of going to relate to realise that I was in the wrong relationship and to build the courage up to leave him. He was controlling and very emotionally abusive towards me. I finally made the decision to split from him in Sept last year and moved out in Feb. I have no question that he a good dad to our boys, he just wasn't the right partner for me.

Since leaving him, I feel so much better, slowly coming off the anti-depressants I've been on for the last 2 years and getting my life back on track - back to my old self and not the person he had moulded me into. The kids seem so much happier too - I'm sure they picked up on the tension in the house - my 5 year old especially. I was so cut up and felt so much guilt taking them from their happy home with both parents but if this is the way you feel then in the long run it will benefit the children much more to have 2 happy parents than 2 unhappy ones.

I totally understand where you're coming from and the guilt is so hard to face. Leaving him was the best decision I've ever made - the kids are happy and see him regularly and have taken the move really well, far better than I could have hoped for. As long as they continue to get love and attention from both parents they will be fine.

I hope it all works out for you whatever you choose.

Take care x

Imtheonlyone - how did you Ex H react when you actually moved out? How is now 3 / 4 months down the line? I am moving out soon but the guilt I am feeling is horrendous.

Hello everyone,

Well thank you again for your words of wisdom and care.

I thought you'd be interested to know what developments have happened.

Last night I decided I couldn't lie to myself or my DH anymore, it was making me miserable, but making him think that I was ok. So I told him.....everything, even that I cry after we have sex.

Would you believe, he was calm, and understanding. He knows that our relationship has been heading down a rocky path. And to give him his due, he has been trying really hard to be better. He told me that he used to believe that he could make me happy, and that I wouldn't need anyone else, he believed that if you have a family, that is where you should be most of the time, and could never understand why I would want to go out with my friends (not that I do a lot, I am well aware of my mummy status, and would never abuse that) He resented me wanting to do anything without him, but at the same time felt that he couldn't go out himself, because of what he expected from me, I would never tell him he couldn't do anything.

He told me last night he needed me to be brutally honest about my feelings, he wasn't ready to give up on our marriage, and would do what it takes for me to fall in love again. I told him that I didn't know if that would happen, but I have nothing to loose, if I'm not with my DH, then I would rather be on my own, so whilst he wants me to be honest, we're giving it a go.

We are considering relate, or a councelling session just for me. But for now, and I know this hurts him badly, but I can't give anymore, we are living together as parents to our children and friends, he isn't even expecting any kisses.

I was never going to be able to move forward in this relationship until I said what I did last night. I was fully expecting to wake up this morning a single parent, I think that what happened can only be a good thing. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thank you again

Wow hippety, thanks for updating. That sounds really positive. Good luck.

Hippety,
Communication is the key and that did sound really positive. When a relationship breaks down it's very sad but somehow you find the strength to admit that something is wrong. Well done and good luck.

Imtheonlyone. I have a friend who has recently done the same and it's the best decision she's ever made. She only wishes she did it sooner but I've told her many times not to fill her life with regrets. You are where you are. Look forward, not back is the key.

Hippety,
First of all - well done on telling your H where you're at with your feelings and sharing all of that with him. That is such a hard thing to do.

I said before, it took me 18 months of relate to come to terms with my relationship and that it was over ... they really are a great help and if you can go together even better. My XH came to 2 sessions with me and then gave up! But the point of it is, we all get married because at the time we truly believe that we've met the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives. I certainly did! Things change. But sometimes it can work out. For me, at the end of the day I could put my head on the pillow and know that I tried everything I could to make my marriage work.

Best of luck x

Do you really think relat guidance helprd> W Would you have seperated anyway>? There's not much left between me and my DH but I just can't leave him, feels like I;m letting the kids down!

mumnosbest,
Hiya, I definitely believe that the relate guidance worked - they are very practical and helpful - and most importantly impartial. Would we have split anyway .... I really think yes we would have done but the relate helped me through all that. helped me decide how and when to go about it all. Gave me practical advice on how to deal with his anger and reactions and most of all gave me the strength to stand up for myself and decide what it was that I really wanted.
I felt for so long that I was letting the kids down ... how old are yours? Mine are 5 and 2 and they have both taken so well to the split - far much better than I could have ever hoped for!
I don't know how your life is at home, but mine was very stressful - I could physically feel myself tense up for about half an hour before I knew XH was due home - I would start shouting at the kids, etc, etc! Life was hell and I knew that the kids were pickin up on that. Personally I felt at the end that I would be letting the kids down more by staying in a loveless marriage than I would if I left him.
Relate can work wonders though, I know friends who have had relate sessions and made their relationships work and are stronger than ever now. They are there to help whatever it is that you want from them really.
Hope that helps!

Thank you every one again,

I am still here but have been unable to log on for a while, as I don't want my DH to know about this post.

It has been 5 full days now, I'm still so very confused, we keep talking, and I think I'm getting emotionally drained. He has been ok, saying I have all the time that I need, but today before work has decided to push his luck and see what he can and can't get away with before getting told off, but doesn't listen when I do tell him in a nice way to go away. I think he's getting impatient. I feel like I'm waiting for something in me to suddenly change and go back to normal, but also feel that I am fighting it a bit, because I'm not sure I want to fall back in love.

It's "date night" tonight, we'll try to talk about normal things, I can't take much more emotional stuff.

Relate I think is deffinately the next step, but finance is what I'm worried about, how much does it cost? A friend of mine went and paid £40 a time, I can't afford to do that every week.... wanting to sort my marriage out or not!!

Thank you so much for all your thoughts.

Relate will take a donation of any amount. They say it costs £45 to run a one hour session but you can as much or as little as that as you can afford. I went every fortnight and paid £10 because I couldn't afford to pay any more than that. Some people pay more, some less - they don't ever say anything, they are just grateful for what they can get.

Relate really are fab - they will help you decide what it is that you want. And what is best for you whether it is to stay together and try again or whether to separate.

Good luck with the 'date night!' hope it goes Ok.