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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you were in a relationship with someone and he was married but had neglected to tell you, would you want to kno?

10 replies

wannaBe · 03/06/2010 15:13

Have just found out that a friend has been having an emotional affair with someone over the internet.

Actually I'd suspected it a long time ago, but he'd told me that he was separated from his wife, and because he lives in a different country to me I had no way of knowing one way or the other.

And then I discovered quite by chance that he had two facebook accounts, one with his rl friends, and one with his online friends. so confronted him, and he said that his wife had actually found out a couple of weeks ago.

Now he is determined to put this behind them and to make his marriage work, and he hasn't had any contact with the ow (so he says). In fact the ow's relationship status on fb has now changed to single (her settings aren't very private so it was easy to check). but..

He had told her he was divorced and free to pursue a relationship with her.

They live in separate countries so had never met up, and he lied about being declined for a US visa when he was going to see her so he could have an excuse for not going.

He's oh so remorseful and says he knows he can't contact her again, but equally he doesn't want her to know he's actually been married all along. He claims it will hurt her

I think she has a right to know and have told him he should tell her. Have said that actually it might make her hate him enough not to want to contact him again anyway so he can work on his marriage.

So - would you want to know?

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 03/06/2010 15:16

If he has genuinely given her up I see no point in his now coming clean
So I doubt he'd tell her

but yes, I'd want to know. Simply because it would help me move on and see him for the scum that he is. (sorry, as he's your friend)

overmydeadbody · 03/06/2010 15:18

If it's over between the OW and your friend then why bother telling her?

I'd rather not know that a guy I no longer was with had lied to me.

azazello · 03/06/2010 15:20

Agree with Ronaldinho. I'd also like to know to have as a warning for future relationships rather than any sort of romantic haze about it.

wannaBe · 03/06/2010 15:20

because apparently she's been emailing him saying she wants him back. So he says he is actually going to tell her it's over once and for all and just that his ex and him are going to make a go of things again.

OP posts:
kittya · 03/06/2010 22:32

The answer is no. I mean, how can email correspondance be classed as a relationship anyway? especially accross the seas. I wouldnt bother telling her and let him get out of it.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2010 23:04

Stay out of it. You are not your friend, she is not you, just because you would want to know doesn't mean she does.
And it isn't any of your business, nor will it serve any purpose for you to stick your nose in.

kittya · 03/06/2010 23:06

Agree.

Mouseface · 03/06/2010 23:32

SGB shines through as usual....totally agree.

secunda · 04/06/2010 00:16

keep this [taps nose] out. Honestly. It's his/their problem not yours. You could mess things up if you go blundering in.

2rebecca · 04/06/2010 08:10

If this guy is really your friend then why are you wanting to send emails to his ex emotional penfriend who you don't know?
If she's an adult then she should have the sense to know that people online aren't necessarily who they say they are.
It's his problem to sort out, if he wants to.

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