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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What can I do for my friend?

3 replies

Thistledew · 03/06/2010 13:35

Just over two weeks ago my friend was badly hurt emotionally by the guy she was seeing.

When she told me I talked to her for ages and then phoned her every night to check that she was ok and to let her talk.

Last weekend we (me, my friend and my boyfriend) went camping- a trip we had arranged before her getting hurt. I suggested that we invite a few more people so that it was not just her and a couple, but she did not seem keen, and in any event everyone in our social group is in a relationship at the moment.

My friend was in and out of a really bad mood all weekend and no matter what we did or spoke about did not seem to enjoy herself for more than a few minutes. Fair enough, she is upset and will need time to get over her hurt. My DP and I did not know whether to give her space or try to include her in our conversations as much as possible.

On the morning of the last day she got into a real strop about something my DP said to her and was really rude to me about him when I said that she was being unfair and had misinterpreted him. She stormed off home.

She has since left me a voicemail apologising for storming off but not for being rude about DP.

I don't know whether to insist on an apology to both me and DP if one is not forthcoming or to put it down to her being upset and leave it.

I also don't know what to say to her about getting hurt by the guy she was seeing. I have just been supportive and told her it was not her fault up to now but actally I think she could have avoided getting hurt if she had acted on what she had herself said about the relationship earlier. She had spent a year occasionally sleeping with a guy who she recognized was not giving her what she wanted in a relationship and she said several times that she should stop seeing him.

This is a pattern with her relationships. She picks guys with whom she cannot communicate spends ages guessing their intentions and whether they will give her what she wants in a relationship and then gets hurt when they do not. But she also describes guys who are available and really into her as soppy and boring. I would actually like to suggest that she has some counselling about her issues to relationships but I don't know how this would go down, especially at the moment.

What should I do?

OP posts:
celticfairy101 · 03/06/2010 14:33

I know this is harsh, but I would ignore her for a while, and let her fume in peace. I would leave the suggestions regarding her relationship issues also and it may come across as overload.

You're a good friend. Sometimes you need to back away and give the other person space and time.

Thistledew · 03/06/2010 16:04

Thank you Celticfairy. I think you are probably right but I am not the type to let things stew normally and would rather have it out with her now as I am feeling cross and hurt that she was so rude to DP.

I am feeling that if I leave it until she has sorted herself out then it will seem like raking up an old grudge if I say how hurt I was. Equally, I can see that she reacted in the way she did only because her perspective of men is really skewed at the moment, and don't think she would have said why she did normally.

OP posts:
Chandra · 03/06/2010 16:08

It is never good to "have it out now" when you are feeling cross. Give her some space, she will get the message. Besides, if she is so hurt and silly enough to take it out on other men, keeping your distance from her is actually a good thing.

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