I think DH may have had an affair (poss emotional) c. 15 years ago

[whatnxt]

We'd been married 5 years, no DCs when he announced he was leaving because he "wasn't in love with me anymore".

After lots of talking he admitted he "couldn't stand the deceit" and my heart sank. But, he went on to say he'd been secretly smoking. Now, I don't like him smoking, but it didn't seem like a good reason to end an otherwise (I thought) good marriage.

At the time I accepted it at face value, he gave up the cigs and life went on.

However, I think I've always had (mostly subconsciously) a nagging doubt that he was about to tell me something else and bottled out. We never quite seemed to get back the closeness we had before. Although I wondered what exactly went on, a part of me also preferred not to know. Doesn't help that he has periodically lasped on the smoking and always lied about it until faced with absolute proof, so could be the lying about smoking that's kept us apart, rather than anything more sinister iyswim

We're due to go away next week without Dcs for first time in 10 years (few days for my birthday) and I find I'm dreading it. I think I want to ask him straight and know the truth once and for all (although of course he could lie) but, I really don't know what I'd do if he admitted it. Have young children and one of the reasons for not wanting to know was that the family must be kept together at all costs, he's a great dad etc etc...

So, do I really want to know or are some things better left unsaid?

Anyone?

This is a tough one and really depends on why you want to know. What benefit is it going to be to you to know when you have acknowledged that you don't want the family to split.

I used to believe that I wanted to know everything about everything but have realised that some things are better left uncovered if there is only going to be heartache and suffering for one party. We must be prepared for the fallout of conversations like this I believe because they can often shake our foundations.

Not sure why he is lying about the smoking though? Surely he is an adult and should be allowed to smoke if he wants?

Well you can't go on with this elephant in the room so you will have to talk to him.

I think if it were my DH I would NOT want to know. Can you have a deep conversation about the lack of emotional closeness in your relationship without delving into that? More along the lines of "where are we going in the next 15 years" than dwelling on something that may or may not have happened 15 years ago?

It depends I think on how your relationship is NOW. iyswim.

There would be no impact worth a mention if you were really going along fine, now.

Sounds as though things are not great and that has caused you to look to the past for a possible reason?

Thank you all.

itsall - the smoking is a much bigger issue for us than it should be. He gave up so we could get married. I now realise it was incredibly controlling of me, but at the time seemed like a perfectly reasonable request - we could barely afford to set up home, without him literally burning a good proportion of our income.

The fact that he nearly left me because he was smoking means that it's very emotional for me and I do over-react. It's not the smoking itself that upsets me, it's what it meant in the past and also the lying. DH says he doesn't tell me, because he's ashamed to be so weak and to protect me, because it upsets me so much.

Flight, I'm not sure. We seem to have rubbed along alright for 15 years, it's a basically happy home, but I do feel some closeness/intimacy is missing. Probably always has been, but I didn't really notice while I have busy having babies and had small children at home. They're all at school now and I'm starting to get "my" life back. Also am about to hit a milestone birthday and (whispers) may be having a bit of a mid-life crisis.

I find it more worrying that you have been dwelling on this all that time. That must put some kind of barrier up? I would stop worrying about the smoking. If he WANTS to smoke let him. He is a grown up. Fair enough, not in the house, not near the DCs, but it IS controlling to insist he doesn't at all.

At the end of the day, I'd say he nearly left you because of the CONTROL thing rather than the fags. Also, you are carrying round a suspicion that he MIGHT have been about to own up to something more serious. Has he ever given you any reason to suspect anything? An emotional affair 15 years ago should not be giving you this much grief now - even if it actually happened.

Porto - yes, as I said I do suspect he was about to tell me something else.

He is free to smoke now if he wishes. I have never asked him to promise not to smoke (it is an addiction afterall) I have asked him to promise not to do it secretly (in view of what it did to him/us in the past) which he agreed to and he has broken his promise several times.

And I can guarantee that dragging this up whilst you are away for your special birthday will only end in tears - even if he is totally innocent. What are you hoping to achieve?

Fair enough, if you have ongoing suspicions that he is up to no good - that you should not put up with, but a 15 yo suspicion that he MIGHT have done something....???

Sorry - don't mean to sound harsh. You seem to be worrying up stuff with out any real reason for it. Closeness and intimacy can go out the window when dcs are little, and it is hard to resurrect that first flush in any relationship. I would consider that normal.

The fact that you don't trust him just because he has had a sneaky fag and lied about it because he knew you would give him a hard time...

OK my honest advice is NO don't talk to him about it.
No good can come of it, imo.
I think it IS likely that there was something, a long long time ago.
but it is in the past, and that's where it should stay.
it only has significance if you give it significance, if you make it an issue now.
If he was to "confess" then what? everyone feels shit, the relationship breaks down, and for what? old old history.
If he denies it, then you will STILL be suspicious.

Think about Pandora's box. once it's out, you can't get it back. It just isn't worth it.
If you want your relationship to work, to really work, then stop thinking about this ancient non-event and think about how much you love him, what a great dad he is, what a good time you have together.
enjoy NOW and forget the past. The truth, imo, is overrated.
enjoy your time away

ooh are you a smoker Porto?

Fwiw I think you're right, but there's a part of me that's felt ever so tense since I last found out he was lying about the smoking. (c. 1 month ago) And there is a big part of me that thinks if he can lie about one thing he can lie about others and what else don't I know about.

I also really hate the fact that his friends/colleagues know he's lying to me (even if it is about something stupid)

How can you not want to know?
you seem to have been living with this thing hanging over yyour marriage for too long now.
I dont think its the smoking as such...but...if he feels so controlled that he has to smoke in secret, maybe this has forced him to become repressed...he cant show you his emotions because you seem to be in complete charge of this relationship.
When one person is in charge of another, the one being, or feeling controlled, will withdraw into themselves...even over something as mundane as smoking.
He is basically scared of you, I think, scared of how you will react, etc.
If there is something else going on, he wont tell you...because hes too afraid of your reaction.

let it lie

Blimey itsallballs, I accept I was controlling in asking him to give up smoking before we marrried and that I over-react when he starts again because of the time he told me he didn't love me anymore (as that all seemed to be tied up with smoking) but I don't think I'm generally controlling. He's free to come and go as he pleases and do as he likes. e.g I have never said he shouldn't have a night out or stopped him spending money as he pleases, I don't buy his clothes or tell him what to eat/drink and I don't ask much from him in terms of what he does around the house.

Harpsicord - I have agreed with you for a long long time. It's all Mumsnets' fault actually! I have read on other threads about how secrets destroy intimacy and it set me thinking..

secrets destroy intimacy? might I respectfully suggest that is utter tosh
it is possible to be intimate with someone without knowing everything, absolutely everything about them. In fact I would say it is a prerequisite to intimacy, to understand that human beings are not perfect, make mistakes, may have secrets that they don't want to share with you.
And it is in the nature of love to let things lie and not pursue some reckless, self-destructive need for total, absolute "honesty" at the expense of happiness.
IMO

I agree with harpsi. You don't own your partner in the same way you don't own your children. I am a different person when I am at work, or out with my friends, than when I am home being wife and mum. Not THAT different but still....

I agree. I have stuff I don't tell my husband not because it's a "secret" (I find that a very childish word), but because getting married didn't involve surrenderring all my thought processes to another person and having no independance. My kids don't tell me everything why should my husband? What constitutes an emotional affair is quite subjective anyway, and if it was 15 years ago it should be irrelevent now, plus if he lied about it 15 years ago why would he not lie now? You're either happy in the relationship or you're not.

We all realise at some point that we can't force adults to do what they really don't want to do. They will always revert to that behaviour if their heart is not in the change.

If I was you I would forget about the smoking (it's his life) and enjoy the next years together.

Now that you are getting time back to yourself, concentrate on you and making you feel better and enjoy life. A more relaxed you will be very appealing to your OH.

As for the confession that you thought he was going to make, it seems that this was a hunch that you had which may or may not have been true. Even if he does tell you now what good will it do? It will just ruin your mood and will no doubt make you doubt him even more. Is that a good thing?

I am not sure that 100% honesty in relationships is entirely a good thing. By that I most definitely do not mean that it is ok to cheat but am talking about the smaller more trivial things.

So please enjoy your birthday and perhaps look to making it a fresh start with your relationship.

Totally agree with itallabout...

me too, especially

"We all realise at some point that we can't force adults to do what they really don't want to do."

although sadly some people never seem to realise it.