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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriages without sex. My friend.

22 replies

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 15:37

This really is about a friend. I just want opinions. I have name changed in case anyone else recognises.

My friend is 50 but looks a lot younger- she is vibrant, full of life, loads of friends.

She and her DH of 20 years have not had sex for almost 10 years. Their relationship hit a very bad patch years back when lots of things happened. This was mainly down to his behaviour - emotional bullying, sapping her confidence and other stuff. She also became pregnant but had an early abortion as she wasn't convinced the relationship would last.

They started sleeping in separate rooms and have ever since, with no intimacy at all. She then went into counselling for 5 years and learned to change her behaviour in order to cope with him, and he has treated her better too. Gradually things have got a bit better but still separate rooms and no sex.

He works overseas and comes home roughly once a fortnight. She is absolutely certain ther is no one else, and he knows she would divorce him if there was.

I feel that they have half a marriage but she seems happy enough to live without any sexual contact. She also likes telling me that lots of her friends (2!!) have marriages with little sex after being together for 20+ years.

I know it's her life and you will tell me to mind my own business, and what suits her suits her....

but I suppose I just look at her and think she is wasting her life with this guy, when she could be so much happier- and having sex.

On the other hand, I think that if they could start being intimate again, it might build a better bond- but they both seem too proud- and inhibited she admits- to start again.

I'm really just doing a straw poll to see what others think of a sexless marriage and whether it will last- or he'll stray in the end.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/06/2010 15:40

It's her life and you should mind your own business.

She may well have a long-term lover who is also married.

Two dear friends of my mother's have.

Or have flings every now and again.

Or she may not care for sex.

Some don't.

cat64 · 02/06/2010 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 15:44

She is my BF- I know she doesn't have a lover, lol- I know what colour knickers she is wearing practically each day- we are very close friends.

I knew someone would say I should mind my own business! Hard to do so when she talks about it often and openly to me.

If you read again, you'll see I was asking a general point as well- as to whether marriages without sex can survive and if they are more common than we think.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/06/2010 15:47

Obviously marriages without sex can survive or she wouldn't still be married.

So again, mind your own business.

I have things I wouldn't tell a living soul, best friend or no.

AvadaKedavra · 02/06/2010 15:48

I think it is common, but not normal.

I have a (virtually) sexless marriage and it's not by my choice. Will let you know if it lasts much longer as right now I am very tempted to ditch it all as nothing is changing/helping

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/06/2010 15:49

i suppose the question is is she happy? if so then i suppose you should butt out.

if not then she has to change it, you cant do it for her. at 50 she is old enough to make her own mind up.

i think with sex its use it or lose it. the more you have the more you want. the less you have the less you think about it. maybe it just doesnt bother her?

AvadaKedavra · 02/06/2010 15:49

But yes, none of your business what your friends marriage is.

feedmenow · 02/06/2010 15:53

Mylovelyfriend, I think sexless marriages CAN work. I'm not speaking from personal experience, but I get the impression that as we age then sex can become less important (at least for some people!) and that if both parties are happy then obviously they can make it work.

But I think I know where you are coming from in as much as it seems very strange to you that a couple can be in a life-long partnership without any physical intimacy. It isn't my cup of tea, and I wouldn't be in a relationship like this, but I think it is probably a lot more common than people would think.

Original poster

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 16:02

I suppose I feel sad for her and that she has forgotten what she is missing. I have known her for 30 years and long before her DH was around- I knew her when she had other men friends.

I feel she has lost her sexuality as a reaction to him and his coldness.

Her counsellor advised her very strongly to leave him, but she never has, partly down to lifestyle etc.

I worry that one day she will "wake up" but it could be too late then for her to start again.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/06/2010 16:06

but does she feel sad for her? your sympathy could be misplaced if she is happy as she is.

if one day she "wakes up" then good for her.

a friend of mine is in her 60's, and is having the best sex of her life after living in a similar sexless marriage for over 20 years. she is now bedding a bloke 20 years her junior, its casual and she is having a ball!

its up to your friend, not you though!

HurleySatOnMe · 02/06/2010 16:10

Counselors don't advise anything. It's not their job believe it or not. And tbh, you sound overly involved, presumptuous and plain nosey.

Original poster

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 16:27

I think she does feel sad but she tries to defend her situation by saying no-sex marriages are common.

OP posts:

Original poster

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 16:29

Hurley- ouch- no need to be so nasty.

And believe me, her counsellor was very , very prescriptive. Not right, I know-but she was.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/06/2010 16:44

I love my best friend to bits, but if I found out she were as judgmental as you are, and felt sorry for me, I'd be pretty offended and upset.

'People do what works'. And, obviously, this is working for her.

And you honestly don't know what she's doing. She may well be getting satisfaction on the side (and please, if spouses can do this to each other undetected when they live together, don't tell me, 'Oh, she'd tell me,' 'I'd know, I'm her best friend . . .') because some people are, in some or many ways, an island.

Original poster

mylovelyfriend · 02/06/2010 17:21

expat- I am not saying anything here that I haven't said to her face, so if she does think I am judgmental she is not offended. Judgemental is often a word bandied about here when it's a synonym for having a view on something.

You are coming at this from your own perpective- you have said that there are things you would not share with anyone, well, I can tell you categorically that if my BF was seeing anyone, I would know.

Maybe me and all my friends are more open than some people, as we do discuss our sex lives in the way that lots of women do. (They certainly do on MN but maybe not in real life where they can't be anonymous!)

I would like to have had some responses that were less personal and judgemental of me ( oh the irony !) and more along the lines of yes, a marriage can work without sex, or not, in the longer term.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/06/2010 17:34

She should hire a detective if she's unhappy.

But maybe she likes the lifestyle and is so scared of change or rocking the boat, especially since he used to bully her, and maybe she doesn't want to go after or hear the truth about her H as a result -- she could be still very much under his thumb.

Some people are content if there's enough money, and some have had all the get-up-and-go sucked out of them by a run-in with someone abusive -- again money can be a factor in deciding to wrap yourself in cotton wool or strike out on your own.

She sounds rather beaten down. Maybe she believes she would end up sleeping in a shelter if she was to divorce. She has seen her H's nasty side after all.

mathanxiety · 02/06/2010 17:36

In the long run, she's a kept woman in reverse, in a way... She's 'paid' not to have sex, maybe not to confront.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 17:37

I don't really see the point of your post.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2010 18:10

You've had plenty of responses that they work, or that people do what works.

So I'm afraid I'm now with Fab, what's the point?

Some people think it's normal and others don't. It wouldn't work for me unless it was because he or I got injured to the point where sex wasn't possible again, or illness.

So she doesn't have sex. So she may or may not be happy with this. So the counsellor told her to leave. So she won't. And?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 18:23

You know Expat, I would love to have a proper chat with you one day. I am fascinated by you [shy]

Irishchic · 02/06/2010 21:32

I agree with Expat and Fab.

The fact that she has stayed in this marriage for so long, despite advice from a counsellor would indicate that she is accepting of, if not happy with, the status quo.

You asked for opinions and you got them, and yet you dont seem to be able to accept these opinions, just as you dont seem to be able to accept your friends life choices...

[wanders off baffled emoticon]

pranma · 02/06/2010 21:45

I have had a sexless marriage for about 11 years now-just drifted at first then realised how liberating we found it We are very loving towards each other,deeply in love in fact, but neither of us want full sex.We discussed it and promised that if either of us ever wanted to then no overtures would be rejected.I love my relationship.

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