My mom, please help me help her

[Hadeda]

I rang my mom this morning and spoke to a very very unhappy lady. I really want to help her.
Sorry, this is long.

As background. We (DH, 2 DDs and I) and my brother are here in the UK. Mom and dad live in South Africa. We have no other family in SA. About 7 years ago everything went tits up with my dad's business. My brother (in SA at the time) managed to work a miracle and keep it going for a few years, and then sold it to another company but not for money, essentially just gave dad and the staff guaranteed jobs for 2 years. Dad stopped working last July - which was forced on him, was not a choice. As part of the business going bust all dad's pension plans had to be cashed in. So, to cut a very long and horrible story short, 7 years later DH and I and my brother are supporting my parents financially. They have no other income at all.

My mom has never been very well. She has had both hips replaced (second replacement done last August) and she has a scoliosis (sp?). She has very bad arthritis and asthma that makes her very short of breath in winter (i.e. now in SA).

My dad is a very difficult man. I love him, he is my father, but I know how difficult he is to live with and I can't imagine being married to him. He is a loner, he often says insensitive things without meaning them. He is 79 (there is a 25 year gap betwen my parents) and so very much a man of his generation.

Mom has not dealt with the whole business failure and us supporting her well. In SA you have to pay for medical treatment and she keeps not getting treatment or medication in a mistaken effort to save money. We have said over and over again that she must have whatever she needs but it doesn't sink in.

Today when I spoke to her she was so low. She tells me she is in pain (her back and hips are really sore and she can't walk properly, she has a stick but effectively walks sideways. She can't put weight on her right leg to e.g. climb stairs.) But she has stopped taking her medication and stopped going to the physio as "they don't work". And then she says she is so sore and she is scared, she doesn't know what will happen to her. She and dad don't seem to be getting along. Now this is probably a lot to do with him but I also know she gets short tempered when she's sore and, TBH, he is old and forgets things or doesn't quite listen in the way old people do. So sometimes she gets cross with him when he doesn't truly deserve it. Since he stopped work he hasn't taken on any interest outside of home and both of them in the house together all day is a toxic mix.

I am really worried my mom is getting depressed. She is of the old fashioned view that there is no such thing as depression and you just need to pull yourself together. As she said to me today "what have I got to be depressed about?". FGS, she has a lot to be depressed about!!! But talk of being scared, and some of the increase in pain and increase in her asthma, makes me thing she should talk to her GP about it.

How can I make her do it? I feel so powerless from here, I just want to get over there and talk some sense into both of them. I don't think mom would try to hurt herself or anything but I can see her getting lower and lower and sinking into a really awful place. It was so easy when I was little. I remember I made her a chocolate cake from scratch one Mother's Day when I was about 12 and she was so happy she cried and couldn't eat it for hours. Now she really needs me and no amount of chocolate cake is going to help and I feel so useless.
I don't know what any of you can do to help me, but I guess I just need to let this all out and see what happens. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

You and your brother are supporting your parents, and your own families?

Are your parents from the uk?

If they are not working, ill and their family is in the uk, it seems strange that they remain in SA?

Would it not help you all emotionally and medically never mind financially for your parents to return to the uk?

Does she have any friends or close neighbours that can pop in to see if everything is okay? Or could you talk to someone else out in SA and get them to check in on her?

Also, would they be able to come back to England? Other than that maybe you could go out and see her if it's possible. It does sound as if she needs extra support. I hope you and your family are able to work something out.

Hadeda I live in SA - whereabouts in SA do your parents stay? There is free health-care in SA. It is not perfect, but I have many friends (old and young) who have had pretty serious operations in our Government hospitals. Also, your parents are SA citizens and therefor qualify for a Government pension. I is not a lot, but it will pay for essentials. I'll be glad to point your parents in the right direction.

My mom isn't from the UK, and she doesn't have a UK passport so they can't move here. My dad is English, but moved over there in the 50s so it's more his home now than the UK would be. We looked at trying to get them over here where at least we would be close, but it's out from an immigration perspective and mom hated the idea of leaving her home country.

I looked at flights out there this morning - v expensive because of the World Cup starting imminently....

I thought of ringing on of her friends. It feels a bit like telling tales, but I think she puts on a brave face whenever she sees her friends so perhaps no one really knows what's going on. Certainly all the business and money stuff she regards as a Dirty Secret that No One Must Know, though I expect she talks to her friends about the health issues. Or perhaps I could ring the minister at her church? She's always really liked him. Maybe he could talk to her about seeing the GP.

Thanks so much for reading, I know that was a real essay.

NinaJane - if you knew how to get a pension I could kiss you!! Mom was telling me again today how she spent the whole of Tuesday on the phone and was finally passed back to the person she spoke to in the first place. She was saying she and dad will have to go to the actual office in central Jhb, but no one can tell them what papers to take so they're stuck having to guess what is needed.

I know you can get treatment in the govt hospitals, but mom and dad have operated through medical aid for so many years I don't think they know how. And anyway, the issue isn't really whether the treatment is there or free, we will HAPPILY pay for ANYTHING mom needs. She just doesn't seem to get this.

Hadeda, I will speak to my parents - they have both recently applied for a Gov pension. Will also see if the applications can be done on-line. Will get back to you when I have the info.

Tell your mom that your children are missing her and that they would love for her to come and visit them, but that she has to be well enough to travel, so she must look after her health.

You can actually get them into the UK under an 'elderly dependent visa', see link here. Sounds like you and they might qualify. They might not be willing just yet, but it's nice to know the option is there!

Hadeda, you seem to be trying so hard, sometimes people don't want to end the situation they are in even when there are ways out of the situation and they like to moan about it to make others feel for them, when if someone was in genuine difficulty and were genuinly unhappy with a situation they would do something about it and make life better for themselves, I hope that your parents have the life they want, best of luck x

Well, my brother came round last night and he, DH and I talked about it. We've decided to contact the GP, her minister and an old friend.

I'm going to try and talk mom into seeing the GP and ask her to raise her mental state with the GP. Then I'm going to speak to the GP to pre-warn her that is what we think mom needs to talk to her about, so the GP can hopefully steer the conversation that way if it starts becomming simply about her back or her leg.

Then we're hoping her minister can talk to her in a kind of counselling way. I know ministers are not counsellors but they do a lot of "pastoral care" so hopefully he could give her some guidance and maybe even say to her if he thinks she needs professional help.

Mummiehunnie - when I first read your post yesterday I thought "wow, that's harsh". But I've thought it over a lot since and I think you make a really good point about people having to want to get out of the situation they are in. DB, DH and I came up with a few other things we could do but I think all of them can only really work when mom starts to see the world as a brighter place. So for now we are focusing on trying to get her to see she needs to get help and that there is a problem but it CAN be solved.

As always, I feel so much better now we have a list of things we can do. But I also keep reminding myself that in the end I can only do so much and it's also up to her to take the help that is offered.

I am glad that you are feeling better now and that things are moving forward for you, I am most pleased that you are empowering your mother whilst helping her x you really can only do so much, you have a family of your own to care for, who are dependant children!

I suppose it has come across as harsh, remember that most people who respond do so from a good place to help, and I am glad you have given it through, as it was actually advice that sometimes you don't get, as some people like to keep coming up with solutions and some people really don't want the solutions and like to moan, it is not that they are bad people it is the way some people are for what ever reason, it is ok to be like that, it is just important to realise that and let it be and not knock yourself out when really they don't want things to get better!

You sound like you have done loads, and maybe it is time to sit back, wait and watch (which is really hard) and see what your parents do now, and see if they really want things to get better x

I think you can be a little bit more interventionist here. You can phone her GP, minister and friends. It appears (as MH implied) that they've become trapped in their own strange little world of suffering - which is painful to watch, and leaves you and your brother feeling like you're paying to watch a slow car crash.

If you can find the information about pensions and health care, then make this knowledge available to the GP and minister as well.

At least, if you push for some changes that would grant them a little more independence - and they reject those changes - you will have a clearer picture, allowing you to investigate whether you should ship them over here or leave them to live as they have chosen. If you see what I mean.

Hi Hadeda, sorry for taking so long to get back to you about this.

In regard to your parents' application for an Older person grant (state pension) from the Government.

To qualify for a grant they must meet the following criteria:

The applicant:

• Must be a South African citizen / permanent resident
• Must be resident in South Africa
• If a male, must be 63 years or older;
• If a female, must be 60 years or older;
• and spouse must comply with the means test;
• Must not be maintained or cared for in a State Institution;
• Must not be in receipt of another social grant for him or herself.

NB: All South African Males aged 61 and 62 years will qualify for Grant for Older Person from April 2009;
Males aged 60 years will qualify for Grant for Older Persons from April 2010; provided they meet the above criteria.

Here is the link to all the SASSA offices in the Gauteng region. www.sassa.gov.za/OFFICES/GAUTENG-660.aspx

Your parents need to go to the office nearest to them and take their Identity Documents with them. Once there, they will be given application forms to fill in. Once that is done, they will give your parents a date on which they must return. It is imperative that they go there very early in the morning (on the given date), as the the lines are very long. They may end up sitting there the whole day long, only to be given another date on which to return. Once that process is complete, it will take +- 3 months from date of application for their pension to be paid to them. The amount is not very much, only about R1 080,00 per month. It will be paid into their bank accounts every month.

Hope this helps.